Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
A couple summers ago I was heading into my senior year of university and dating this girl I worked with named Chandra. One Friday night I was working at a shitty supermarket with a hot foods counter and on break my buddy and I got orders of hot wings that were worse than suicide. They were the hottest, grossest-to-eat wings I've ever had, our eyes were watering by the end. And because they were triple-sauced they were a complete mess to try and eat; spicy red crap got fucking everywhere. After suffering through that ordeal I washed up and headed back to work, knowing I was going to have ass-burning shits the next morning.
Once the store closed up I went over to Chandra's house, pre-drank really fast with her roommates and then headed out to the bars downtown. We drank a lot and danced around like idiots. We headed back to her place to fuck around a bit. I started to finger her and she just stopped and looked at me and said "It doesn't feel right, it hurts, it feels like it burns." I of course stopped to see if she was OK, and it dawned on me that I hadn't washed under my nails and that was apparently enough to burn her.
I explained what I thought happened, and she bolted downstairs to furiously wash the spice out of her vagina. I went to another bathroom and scrubbed under my nails, just to salvage any chance of getting some that night. She wasn't really amused when I tried to re-start things once we were back in bed.
We worked together the next day and I thought about ordering wings when we went for break just to be a dick, but I pussied out.
It was New Year's Eve 2009. My friends and I descended upon the Jersey Shore. The four of us got a room at a motor lodge and a foursome of girls we knew got a room at the same hotel. I had hooked up with one of those girls over the summer, we went on a few dates but it eventually ended at her request. We were friends with that entire crew so it wasn't weird that we'd all hang out on a NYE. The girl was a complete flake so I didn't have any expectations. My only goal was to get wasted.
We all pregame together in one of the rooms (so much so that one of the girls got so drunk that she passed out and slept the whole night). Midnight hits and nothing significant happens. Everyone in the group just continues drinking and carrying on. Then it happens, I end up one-on-one with the girl I hooked up with over the summer. Apparently alcohol opened her eyes to me again and we're talking a lot and being flirty. It's getting late and she says something about going back to the hotel. The girl and I get in a cab, leaving the rest of our friends behind. She checks in on her passed-out friend and then we head to my room.
It begins right away. We get on the bed and start making out, dry humping, the whole nine. I'm making my way "downtown" when she says "time out, I have to use the bathroom." I oblige. I must have gotten up too quickly because as soon as I stand, I feel the strongest urge to throw up. Typically one would run to the toilet or at worst the sink but that was taken. The vomit was coming and I needed an outlet. In an absolute clutch move, I grab the plastic garbage can and empty my stomach in there. She's still in the bathroom so I'm good. I grab the bucket and put it behind the table so she doesn't see it. She gets out of the bathroom and I go in right after to brush my teeth and make myself presentable. I get out, ready to rock and roll. I open the door and the first words out of her mouth were "I'm going to my room."
She had heard me vomiting and there was no going back. I'm still friends with that group and I haven't hooked up with her since.
I was in college many years ago and used to do and sell a lot of drugs. One night, my friends and I were at a bar and when it let out at 1:30, we were hanging outside waiting for the rest of our group. My one friend had found a tree branch and was swinging from it when two girls come out of the bar and yell, "Who's got drugs?!" My friend quickly replies in a drunken slur, "I've got drugs!!" He drops down from the branch and starts talking to them.
After we tell them about the X that we have back at our place, they agree to come back with us. Once back and drugs taken, the night is going great and we each have a girl (who may or may not be good-looking as I am drunk and high as shit). All of a sudden, there is a knock at the door and lo and behold it is a fellow dealer. She is yelling at my friend Mike, "What the fuck? I did not get woken up and dragged out of bed at 2:30 in the morning to not sell any acid!!! Somebody is taking this shit!"
Unbeknownst to anyone, my friend had ordered up some late night acid.
Everyone was shaking their head no when all eyes rested on me. I tried to refuse but was eventually talked into taking one drop. As I lean my head back, the last thing I hear before I take it is...."Well I didn't come over here to just sell one" and she proceeds to drop the hits of acid on my tongue from an eye dropper. Oh shit.
The night quickly goes from for-sure hookup to me crawling on the ground yelling "OOOPS!!!" over and over. The girls were understandably weirded out by my shenanigans and left without anyone getting any action. The night did not get better for me as my trip (which ended up being all by myself eventually) got really weird and to make matters worse, we were going to visit friends eight hours away the next morning. I was still tweaking in the car at 9 a.m., ended up with zero sleep for more than 48 hours, and peed all over my friend's apartment the following night.