Dead Letters: "Do I Look Like A Fucking Hipster, You Dysfunctional Shit Noodle????"S

Welcome back to Dead Letters, the feature in which we reprint our favorite fan mail from throughout the week. It's like Deleted Scenes, but without all the scuzz money. We should take this moment to remind you that all emails to Deadspin and its editors are on the record unless otherwise specified. Now for your letters.

Subject: Full Disclousre:

From: James Olds
To: Sean Newell

I'm a Red Sox fan. You fucking suck at blog entries. Your smug attitude infuriates me. Nobody appreciates your endless Red Sox blogs. I hate Brooklyn. Intellectual internet arrogance is a fucking cancer. You know nothing about Boston sports media. You and Michael Felger are probably on the down low. Otherwise, keep up the horrific work.

Subject: Nice comments from your authors

From: Doug Martin
To: Tom Scocca, Tommy Craggs

Setting the bar for professionalism quite high:
http://deadspin.com/5942981/?post=52675356

Maybe someone needs a time out form interacting with commenters.

From: Tom Scocca
To: Doug Martin
Cc: Tommy Craggs

So you want us to discipline the writer for you? How would this timeout form work? Like a complaint form? Please write one up and we'll give it our full attention.

From: Doug Martin
To: Tom Scocca
Cc: Tommy Craggs

Ahh, so it starts at the top. Sorry to have bothered you.

From: Tom Scocca
To: Doug Martin
Cc: Tommy Craggs
Bcc: The Staff

The top is actually nick.denton@gmail.com. He likes knowing what his employees are doing.

Subject: Asshole

From: Eugene Slaven
To: Drew Magary

I was so angry, I nearly shit myself reading your belligerent diatribe against my beloved Seattle Seahawks.

FACT: The Seahawks are the best franchise in sport

FACT: You're a fat, dumb fuck

Listen up, you cackling turkey dick: our starting quarterback is the soon-to-be legendary Russell Wilson—who is easily the best rookie quarterback in the league—NOT Tarvaris Jackson!!!

DO YOU KNOW WHERE TARVARIS JACKSON IS??? In motherfucking Buffalo, where quarterbacks go to die.

We got rid of that bastard, because Pete Carroll is fucking BRILLIANT.

Do you really think the great Pete Carroll doesn't know what he is doing???? ARGHHHHH you make so fucking mad I want to defecate on your great grandfather's corpse. HAVE YOU HEARD OF A LITTLE PROGRAM KNOWN AS THE UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA FOOTBALL???

I know even a putrid pile of raccoon excrement like you understands how brilliant Pete Carroll had to be to build the greatest team in the history of sports.

HOW DARE YOU IMPUGN CARROLL???

Yeah, Kellen Winslow does suck. You know how I know he sucks, you walking bag of shit?? Because WE FUCKING CUT HIM NO DOUBT LIKE YOUR FAMILY CUT YOU OUT OF THEIR FUCKING WILL, THAT'S HOW!!!

That's right, he was a bitch and we cut him. That's how much we FUCKING RULE!!!

Finally, and this really got my blood boiling, you vile bowl of shit stew: SEATTLE FANS ARE THE GREATEST SPORTS FANS IN THE WORLD!

YOU THINK EVERYONE IN SEATTLE IS A LATTE-SIPPING HIPSTER??

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA. That's me laughing at how fucking dumb you are!!!

Do I look like a fucking hipster, you dysfunctional shit noodle????

I shit on hipsters, just like I am shitting on you right now. Seattle Seahawks fans are the most dedicated, knowledgeable, and passionate sports fans in the world. WE LIVE AND BREATHE FOOTBALL!!

I cannot wait until we win seven Super Bowls in the Carroll-Wilson era. Do you know why I cannot wait for that day? Because your fat disgusting head will fucking explode and you will die a miserable death knowing just how wrong you were about our great team and our great fans!!!

On one final note, FUCK YOU!!!

Seattle Super Fan

Subject: nick denton

From: Doug Fluenza
To: Jack Dickey

does your tax dodging, money laundering butt buddy nick denton let you tag along with him when he visits his cayman islands hideaway?

Subject: emmett c burns jr

From: Doug Fluenza
To: Dom Cosentino

leave emmett alone you racist pig

Subject: Please kill yourself

From: Mark Coleman (psumcoleman@[MAJOR WEBMAIL PROVIDER REDACTED].com)
To: Tim Burke

[Ed.: No text.]

Subject: Sean Newell: Butthurt

From: Christian Lobue
To: The Staff

Awww jets not getting the respect you think they deserve? The narratives too unfair for you? "the offense was clicking and the defense was stout"? Way to kneejerk buddy. The only way the jets season will end is with sweet, unmitigated failure.

Subject: Unsubscribe!!

From: Robert Hofmann
To: The Staff

UNSUBSCRIBE!

Sent from my iPad

[Ed.: If you would like to unsubscribe from the Deadspin newsletter—which brings pipin' fresh content from America's most popular sports blog to your inbox every day—you may click a link at the bottom of each message. To subscribe to the newsletter, click here!]

Subject: You fucking suck at predictions

From: Joe Ronaghy
To: Drew Magary

Drew,

I love your "Why your team sucks" series. But your predictions are horrible, which is why you have to resort to humor to get anything published. Picking your fucking Viqueens at 9-7 over the Bears and Lions is laughable. I'm surprised you didn't pick the fucking Packers to win it all like the rest of the fucking media. Terrible predictions... but I still love your work.

Subject: [no subject]

From: Peter Spencer
To: Drew Magary

I realize it's your job to be provocative, but is there any point to this nonsense? You put New York in your Top 5 racist cities in the United States. Really?

I am going to assume that's a joke. Or that you are as clueless and ignorant as you claim to be.

If New York is one of the most racist cities, then the rest of the country must lie somewhere between the Third Reich and Apartheid South Africa.

Subject: Fickle?!

From: Paul Stephens
To: John Koblin

Really, us Brits are fickle? You should look at our football (yeah,soccer) culture, years of supporting teams that won't win anything in our lifetimes. But US sports culture has franchises, where if you're a Sonics fans - oh, sorry, you know that team you had? Yeah well it's gone. But we're fickle, hm. Anyway, you're right, we're delighted over here :)

Subject: comment

From: Dan Baron
To: Dom Cosentino

Hi,

OK, I get it. This is the way sports fans are. After a bunch of Cub fans act foolishly and rip the Pirates, you take a cheap swipe at Cub fans. That reminds me of those dialogues fans have on baseball websites during games (i.e., sportsline.com). Let's just be more abusive than the last guy. Just for fun. It's like a fraternity.

Doesn't work. It brings down the game. You have some good and compelling comments in your piece…stay away from the cheap shots.

Oh yeah, I'm a Cub fan. I'm beyond having my feelings hurt by other fans……just waiting for the Cubs to get better. If things work out for them (and who knows), maybe they'll play the Pirates in the playoffs in about 2015 (OK, I know, could be many years later). Let's talk then.

Dan Baron