Ohio Is For Non-Football Lovers: Your NFL Early Games Viewing GuideS

On paper this is kind of a rough first act for week two, but who cares? It's still football and usually it's these god-awful looking games that become the most compelling. So trust me when I tell you, this Browns-Bengals game is going to be one for the ages.

Cleveland at Cincinnati (CBS): [Safety bites on pump fake.] This game will blow.

Kansas City at Buffalo (CBS): Bill's defensive end Marcel Dareus returned to practice this week after the shooting death of his younger brother.

Dareus' brother, Simeon Gilmore, was one of three people killed Sunday during a burglary in the Birmingham, Ala., suburb of Pelham. Authorities said 20-year-old Jon Staggs Jr. has been charged with capital murder and burglary.

Dareus missed only one practice while returning home to grieve with his family in Alabama.

New Orleans at Carolina (FOX): I wonder if we'll hear anything about this guy?

Minnesota at Indianapolis (FOX): No spin move in this one, guys, which is a real blow. While Moss and Johnson are facing off later this afternoon, we could have had a Dwight Freeney-Jared Allen match up for the ages. A slick, athletic and powerful game changer against a devastating red neck. Unfortunately Freeney is out with a sprained ankle. Too bad, woulda been a good one. We'll just have to settle for Christian Ponder and Andrew Luck.

Houston at Jacksonville (CBS): The Jaguars are looking to bounce back from that brutal loss to the Vikings in the last 20 seconds, but everyone remains impressed by Blaine Gabbert. Take this quote, from one of his lineman Eugene Monroe, which might be the most antiseptic quote I've ever read:

"He operated as a quarterback and a leader of a team should operate," left tackle Eugene Monroe told the Jaguars' official website. "He was poised and confident."

Arizona at New England (FOX): The spirit of John Skelton will carry the Cardinals today. Tom Brady may have a two foot long cock, but John Skelton's heart is the Dirk Diggler of penis analogies. It's not necessarily huge, it just gets all banged up and hangs around being awesome with Todd Parker all day. I wouldn't be surprised if he comes back for this game and wins it all. He's a star.

Oakland at Miami (CBS): Time and time again I am amazed to learn people actually live in Oakland and do normal things like support professional sports organizations. When I think of the city of Oakland, I think of a post-apocalyptic world not unlike the one in Mad Max or Escape From L.A., with Al Davis playing the part of Snake Plissken. But now he's dead and the Raiders are playing Ryan Tannehill and the Fergie and Gloria Estefan-owned Miami Dolphins in LandShark Stadium. What a country.

Baltimore at Philadelphia (FOX): Joe Flacco and the Ravens are now the hottest story in the league. The "Will The Baltimore Offense Carry the Ravens???" stories have already written themselves a million times over, so look for Flacco to throw about six interceptions. What this game really comes down to, though, is whose fanbase can fit more "o"'s into "hoooooome" when speaking.

Tampa Bay at New York (CBS):


Enjoy that little factoid New Yorkers and New Yorkers Tampa Bay-ers.

What You're Watching

Via The 506. CBS:

Ohio Is For Non-Football Lovers: Your NFL Early Games Viewing Guide

Fox:

Ohio Is For Non-Football Lovers: Your NFL Early Games Viewing Guide