Jay Mariotti Is Maxin' And Relaxin' And Writing Shitty-Ass Columns Again

Look at that picture! Just look at it! That's a picture of Jay Mariotti, taken right after he polished off his second craft beer of the afternoon, no doubt, and right before he started talking about how he's always "really appreciated" Tom Waits, and that most people don't know that about him.

It is also the picture that rests above Mariotti's new column at Chicagosidesports.com. Mariotti hasn't had a writing gig since the bottom fell out of his life two years ago, so I guess you could call this a triumphant return of sorts.

The column is nothing special. It's just Mariotti going through the motions of being an "edgy" columnist (he uses the word "batshit" now) while calling Jay Cutler a petulant loser and enumerating all the things that make the Chicago Bears so pathetic. You can find that kind of shtick anywhere, though, and it's not the real reason that this column exists. The real reason this column exists is so that Jay Mariotti can show all of us losers how great he's doing out in L.A.

This is the first paragraph:

Maybe I've been tamed by a sky that is unfailingly blue, or a breeze that cools the burn on my face while biking along the ocean, or the Negra Modelos at the boardwalk bar as the sun drops over a backdrop of Santa Monica mountains and Malibu surf. But here in Southern California, I don't understand Chicago's batshit-apoplectic-crazy reaction to last week's debacle in Green Bay.

Got it, nerds? Jay Mariotti is currently living it the fuck up in sunny Southern California. He's got blue skies to raise his spirits, cool breezes to delight his skin, and plenty of Negra Modelos to crush while he chills on the boardwalk. The only thing that could make that opening paragraph more perfectly contemptible would be if it ended with #winning. Actually, let's just assume that it did and was edited before publication.

So, there you go, world. Get ready to have Jay Mariotti's gross face back in your lives, telling you all about how awesome he's doing. It's sure to garner Chicagosportside.com plenty of "page hits."