Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
My girlfriend and I went up to my buddy's cabin, where his parents were also going for a weekend getaway (they're cool parents, that actually make it better). Anyway, as soon as I walk in, his parents and my buddy look right at me and say "Is this your bottle of lube?" while holding a small KY warming sensation bottle. Well, of course it's not my lube, I take pride in my ability to get my girlfriend wet without lube. We decide it was one of his uncles who had probably come up since the last time we were there.
Well anyway, we all get drunk later that night and decide to go to bed. It's an A-frame cabin, with no real doors, so there were no plans of boning that night. But the girl wanted it. And she was pretty sure she had seen my friend throw the lube into the room we were staying in, so she could warm up on that and we could just hook up quietly, literally maybe 20 feet from the others. So I reach around in the dark, finally find the little bottle, and hand it to her. She starts applying and immediately starts complaining that it hurts. I tell her she's being a baby, of course. I'm thinking it's the warming sensation shit she's not used to and if she wants to have sex so bad she'll just have to put up with it. We end up having sex and falling asleep.
The next morning we all wake up pretty much at the same time. My buddy goes outside to pee and comes back in looking to clean his hands. Since there is no running water (it's a really wood-sy cabin) we rely on hand sanitizer. So he asks where it is. To reverse-psychology-throw-them-off what happened the night before, I say "Well I don't know but somehow the lube is right here!" Confused, he says, "Noooo, the lube is right here...." as he holds it up for all to see. Needless to say, after a few panicked seconds we realize to our horror that it was hand sanitizer that had been up in my girls vagina and that burn? Yeah that was rubbing alcohol. It may actually hurt when applied. Of course my friend, his girl and his parents all see us exchanging looks and realize what happened. We still talk about it, two years later. Bright side: I don't really worry about accidentally getting her pregnant.
I worked as a lifeguard one summer and all my co-workers were ladies so needless to say, I did a lot of flirting. One day I invited a fellow lifeguard, Amanda, to the bars with me and my buddies. She had been going through an on-again-off-again relationship with a real douche and the sexual tension between her and I was high so I figured: easy pickings. This strip of bars was located on a beach and is notorious for its debauchery; so bad that the cops just park the paddy wagon there around 11 and it never goes back empty.
So being young and testosterone-filled, my friends and I all begin binge drinking to the best of our abilities. Amanda must have felt pressure to keep up because by 1:30 a.m. we were all sloshed. Amanda and I are dancing close and some heavy petting is going on so I ask her if she wants to take a walk down the beach with me. She agrees and we leave the bar, telling my friends that we'll meet up in the parking lot after the bars close.
Before we even get out the door we're playing tonsil hockey and the heavy petting has now progressed into heavy groping. We stumble down the beach and…the next thing I know my friends are kicking sand on us laughing while I pull my flaccid penis out of her. Turns out we had both passed out mid-bang, under the lights, maybe 50 feet from the parking lot. To this day, I still have no idea how long I was out for nor how many people were witness to me with my pants around my ankles and Amanda with her skirt around her chin sleeping in the sand. I'm just glad it was my friends kicking sand on us and not the authorities, and that the season didn't last much longer. The ride home and subsequent shifts with Amanda were beyond awkward.
My friends and I were looking for a Friday night party and one of our buddies had some girls coming to visit from the neighboring college that we all hate (UC and Xavier). Well, the girls met us at the party that we ended up at and they were the only girls there. As we were chugging 40s of Olde English we vowed to have sex with any of them with no future repercussions.
Somehow in this drunken state I ended up with a girl. I ended up taking her back to my dorm and trying to seal the deal. Each time I got a little closer until she dropped the gauntlet on me, "what's my name?" I knew her name started with a S and that it was some sort of liquor but my drunken brain couldn't complete the puzzle. "Sheila" and "Shelly" both got me shot down and I had to start all over each time I messed it up. Finally the last time she asked my roommate who was sleeping in the bunk above me shouted down, "Sherry, Jeff her name is Sherry." Unfortunately that didn't seal the deal and she decided to roll over and end the night.
The next morning she woke me up saying that her friends had abandoned her. I told her to head down to my buddy's dorm room and I would meet up with her. As soon as she walked out the door I closed it, locked it and went back to bed. Screw Xavier.