Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
So about two months ago, I went on a date with "Mary" in Central Park. Mary and I had met each other via OKCupid, and both of us were relatively new to the site, so it was all awkward and adorable and stuff. Anyway, we end up going to Central Park after I get off work, bout 6:30, and walk around for awhile. She told me she'd brought a bottle of wine and a blanket, so we should find a nice quiet spot. Around sunset, we end up climbing up on top of this rock, relatively secluded. We set up the blanket and she takes out the bottle.
Now, let me mention that I've gotten open container tickets in NYC before, so I know (oh god do I know) that it's illegal to drink in public ANYWHERE in NYC. I assume Mary knows this as well (foreshadowing motherfucker). So we get to drinking, polish off nearly the whole bottle, and start hooking up. It starts to get pretty R-Rated for public outdoors locale. And it goes on for a long fucking time, past sunset, and definitely past the point in hooking up where one wants to be even relatively close to the theoretical hobos/junkies/murderapists that inhabit Central Park at night.
Anyway, Mary asks if I want to go back to her place, and I say that I can't, because I've got to get up shitty early the next day. I ask if she wants to come to mine, but I live in Queens which is basically Siberia to Manhattan people. Keep in mind, at this point I'm knuckles deep in the vaginal area (we're still clothed, but she was wearing a dress), with a raging hard-on. Any common-sense faculties are totally in hibernation. So, like a couple of retards, we keep it going. It's dark out. But the little guy is getting some attention, so whatever, right?
Suddenly, Mary goes stiff as a board and says "There's someone coming!" Shit. Hobos? No such luck. I turn around to two Maglights in the eyes. Central park precinct.
Mary FREAKS the fuck out. She says she's a teacher, she's going to lose her job (never mind that an open container is like a parking ticket). Verge of tears. Thankfully, the cops turned out to be pretty nice and ended up helping me calm her down.
Two open container tickets and an admonition that we were lucky not to have been charged for "the other thing" (which is a sex-offense, remember) kind of killed the mood. Went home and sad-bated :(
I had just gotten out of college and locked up a bar-tending gig on the upper west side of Manhattan. A girl that I had been into for many years had just moved in across the street from me, The Devil. Now, despite the fact that I had been through college, I was still nearly a virgin and lethally insecure. The Devil was really, really hot, and a stoner (so am I), so basically it was love at first sight. Despite my awkwardness, she still seemed to be into me. Two major issues, though...1) She was a fucking lunatic and 2) she also happened to be my step-cousin. I didn't grow up with her or anything (we met in our 20s when my dad remarried), but obviously, this presented kind of a roadblock. That being said, we'd nurtured this miasmic thing for like four years, and when she moved into my block, I think we both knew it was only a matter of time.
We started hanging out together like every night and drinking whiskey and doing coke (did I mention she had a penchant for drugs?). Great start, I know. Anyway, one night, she comes over and the tension is just ridiculous. We get to talking and kill a bottle of Corner Creek bourbon in the process, getting virtually blacked out. At some point, we started talking about her non-existent childhood and absentee dad (going great!) and, what do you know, she starts sobbing. At this point, I'm no longer thinking about hooking up. I just want her to stop that godawful blubbering, so I start saying whatever-the-fuck I can conjure up to make her feel better. It works. She goes in for the kiss (you never forget your first tear-soaked, psycho kiss). So we start furiously making out, years of tension just blowing up all over our stupid faces. We move to the bed and it becomes immediately clear to me that she's WAY more experienced than I am, and has no idea that the disparity exists. She wants to fuck like a porn star. She asks me if she can do a line of coke off my dick (why not?!) and then she takes a shot and starts blowing me. Holy shit. I've had sex literally twice before this, and I'm in WAY over my head. Due to my nerves and the numbing action of the cocaine, there's just nothing doing down there. Fuck. Then The Devil asks if I want to fuck her face (why not?) and we try that, but at this point it just becomes this macabre charade. I'm pushing rope, my limp noodle a testament to the fact that I will never properly have sex with anyone, ever. I don't even remember if I finished—we were so hammered and it was so awkward. So I just go to bed.
NOW HERE'S WHERE THE HUMILIATION COMES: Next morning, I get up, ashamed of my inability to perform, but The Devil is undeterred. She pushes her butt into me and grabs my hand, practically jamming it up her cooch. She's soaking wet. This drives me absolutely crazy. She asks me if I have a condom (OF COURSE NOT!) and I say I don't. Neither of us care at this point. I'm in. The Devil tells me that I just have to pull out, but my sex-sodden, near-virgin brain immediately elects to forget this information. And then....of course...one pump, two pumps...whoops. She screams like I just shot a 100% pure sriracha load, punching me in the chest and shoulders, telling me what a piece of shit I am (probably not wrong). That morning trip to Walgreens to get The Pill was no fun, especially under the disapproving eyes of the 75 year old female pharmacist.
Believe it or not, we dated for like three months after that, until it all came crashing down during our families' annual Hannukah dinner. Yeah. We're still buds, though.
The story takes place at one of those stay up all night, drink as much as you can, do as many drugs as you can music festivals.
After a long night, into the early morning of debauchery, I ended up passing out in my tent at 6:30am after the sun came up.
Fast forward to 10am - The heat was so extreme, I had to leave my tent and go outside in the shade to lie down in my underwear and get some fresh air to cool off.
At this point I am totally hungover, exhausted, dehydrated, I've gotten little sleep, all I want to do is close my eyes and pass out until my hangover goes away.
As I'm lying down, a girl who I had just started to work with runs frantically into our camp site and begins shouting my name looking for me "Where's Bryan? Where's Bryan?" At first, my friends in the area have no idea who she is talking about, because everyone I know calls me by my last name, but eventually one of my buddies realizes that she is looking for me and points me out to her.
The girl sees me, starts shaking me, telling me to wake up and go back with her to her tent so she can change into her bikini (which really means some type of fooling around).
My brain should have been telling me to get up and go with her, but after being up all night getting completely obliterated drinking and combining many different drugs, all I really wanted to do was lie down and sleep.
In the middle of our campsite in front of all of my buddies she continues asking me to leave with her, and I am totally non responsive and unable to move. I had just spent all night partying, and really just wanted to close my eyes and nod off into dreamland, where was this girl hours before when I was still going?
My friends tried their best to guide my cock by telling her that I was just joking around and really wanted to go with her.
She continues to try and convince me to leave with her, but after a few minutes it becomes apparent that I'm not going anywhere.
She stands up and begins to walk away, as she walks away she says to me out loud so everyone could hear, "good luck finding tasty tits like these somewhere else".
I tried hooking up with her back in the city, but had clearly ruined any chance of that happening. After that incident she was referred to as "tasty tits". Man, am I an idiot.