College ShameDay: Who Embarrassed Themselves On Saturday (Besides Cal's Quarterback)?

Our weekly college football shame index.

The Weekend in Shame

Arizona State 27, Cal 17: Sacked eight times! Nine completions in 28 pass attempts! Take away one 44-yarder, and no play he was a part of went farther than 17 yards! These are but a few of the adventures you'll find in ZACH MAYNARD: THE QUARTERBACK WHO JUST WANTED TO GO HOME. That 32 percent completion number is almost amazing in its incompetence, and it happens to be the worst by a Cal quarterback since Aaron Rodgers went nine for 34 against Oregon State in 2003. You're totally Super Bowl bound, Maynard!

Cal is now three games under .500 for the first time since 2001, the year before they hired Jeff Tedford away from Oregon. It really is the circle of life, and it ends with the Bears hiring Houston Nutt. (Don't hesitate on this hire, Cal. It will totally be worth it for the one time he coaches in a bearskin and no other clothing.)

Nebraska 30, Wisconsin 27: The second-half meltdown is always painful, especially when it seems to come out of nowhere. There were no monster special teams plays, no killer turnovers (mostly); there wasn't any sudden pass or run that cracked open the floodgates. Nebraska and Wisconsin simply seemed to switch positions at halftime. While the Huskers went one for five on third down in the first half, they converted four of eight in the second. Wisconsin? Went from converting three of eight chances in the first two quarters to only one of seven in the final two. Nebraska had one drive over 40 yards before halftime and four of them after it. The Badgers, on the other hand, went from three to zero.

There was at least some consistency in the loss, however: Montee Ball continues to struggle. That's not fair, actually, because struggle is a word you use for someone drowning who might survive, and Montee Ball is already at the bottom of the lake. Coming into 2012, Ball had 25 games with at least 10 carries. In only five of those did he average under five yards a run. This year? He's been held below five yards a carry in every game, and Saturday's 2.8 yards per rush was his lowest in any of his 10-carries-or-more outings.

Even better news! It probably won't be any better soon, as three of the next four defenses Wisconsin faces are ranked in the top 30 in yards per carry allowed. The lesson here is simple: Don't listen to Bret Bielema when he asks you to come back to him. Not even a college degree is worth it.

Missouri 21, UCF 16: "One out of 11" is typically a phrase you hear before something dire, as in "one out of 11 children in Country A will die of malnutrition this week" or "one out of 11 lunches in the school cafeteria contained a used hypodermic needle." In Missouri's case, the full sentence is "only one out of 11 Missouri third-down opportunities were converted." But the Tigers still won, and there are three reasons why.

First, Missouri's defense clamped down in the second half, when the first six UCF drives all ended in punts and gained only 39 yards in all. Second, two big punts sank the Knights—the first was returned 66 yards by Marcus Murphy for the touchdown that gave Mizzou the lead, and the second was a 19-yard shank that set up the third Tiger score. Third, GARY PINKEL GAVE THE REF A BRIEFCASE FULL OF EMERALDS I SAW IT CAUSE ALL THESE SEC TEAMS CHEAT GO BLUE.

To paraphrase Wesley Snipes's accountant, this is not a good longterm plan. One of the biggest problems is the passing game on third down, where Mizzou is only completing 41.9 percent of its attempts. That number dips to 20 percent on third-and 10-or-more; in those situations, Missouri is one of only five teams in the nation that doesn't have a first-down conversion, and they've tried 15 times.

Get this fixed, Dave Yost. You can't keep coasting on playing three different roles in Point Break.

College ShameDay: Who Embarrassed Themselves On Saturday (Besides Cal's Quarterback)?

Elsewhere in Shame

Illinois special teams knows that the only bad news is no news, which is why they muffed a punt return, extended a drive by running into a kicker, had two punts go less than 40 yards, and biffed a 26-yard field goal. Theory: they may have been trying to cheer up Penn State kicker Sam Ficken, who is now two for eight on the year after missing from 47 and 18 yards. Sam Ficken will end up being the first person to get negative yardage on a field-goal attempt, mark my words.

QUESTION: How many teams from Automatic Qualifier conferences have given up more points toMiddle Tennessee State than Georgia Tech did in its 49-28 loss? ANSWER: None no teams zero nobody they all did better yes even Vanderbilt and Maryland.

Baylor and West Virginia combined for nine plays of 40 or more yards. The longest Utah play so far this year went 39.

The Week Ahead in Shame

Arkansas takes its defense that hasn't held any team under 34 points to face an Auburn offense averaging 17.5 points a game. This will be like watching a Wimbledon final where instead of tennis balls they use bricks.

Oklahoma hasn't lost back-to-back games at home since 1998, which is going to make it EXTREMELY hilarious if Texas Tech manages to break that streak. (I just ruined Bob Stoops's sleep patterns for the whole week.)

College ShameDay: Who Embarrassed Themselves On Saturday (Besides Cal's Quarterback)?

Mississippi has a pass defense that allows opposing quarterbacks to complete 68 percent of their attempts. Texas A&M has freshman Johnny Manziel, who's connected on 70 percent of his throws. Johnny Manziel also has a shirtless mug shot. Johnny Manziel's birth certificate is made of snakeskin. From a snake he killed. In utero.

1-4 Rice against 0-4 Memphis is the lorem ipsum PowerPoint slide of games, but, if it helps, think of it as The Shitty FBS Team That Beat Kansas vs. The One Shitty FBS Team Kansas Might Be Able To Beat. Somehow neither of these teams is mathematically eliminated from participating in a bowl, so remember that next time someone tells you how special the bowl experience is.

Celebrity Hot Tub is a college football fan who lost the ability to truly love thanks to three years of Florida head coach Ron Zook. He writes for Every Day Should Be Saturday. Follow him on Twitter @celebrityhottub.