Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go.
Elizabeth invited me on an overnight Phi Mu sorority party in NOLA a few weeks after my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me. My roommate's girlfriend was in the same sorority and friends with Elizabeth so I figured it was going to be me and Matt (my roommate) plus the girls splitting the hotel room. Matt was all about getting me "back on the horse" after my break up and told me that he and his girlfriend would go elsewhere so that me and Elizabeth could do the no pants dance after the party. What the girls (who booked the room) had failed to tell us was that we were actually splitting the room with a third couple that I didn't really know. That was annoying but the third couple got the short end of the stick and had to sleep on an air mattress so whatever. When we got to NOLA the third couple was with another guy, Chris, but he assured us that he was going to sleep somewhere else and was just there to hang out before the party.
Fast-forward through several hours of drinking on Bourbon St. and Elizabeth and I are making out in a corner table at the piano bar at Pat O's. Classy I know, but this was the first action that I had gotten from anyone besides my ex in 3 years, and while I am normally very anti-PDA, I really, really didn't care. While this is going on, Chris was busy getting shitfaced sucking down 3 or 4 Hurricanes. Shitfaced Chris announced that he was leaving and stumbled out of the bar by himself. (We go to LSU and spend a lot of time in the Quarter so we really weren't worried about a friend wandering around by himself.) Me, Elizabeth, Matt, and his girlfriend left Pat O's and Matt told me that he and his girlfriend were going to go to Harrah's so that Elizabeth and I could go hook up in the hotel room.
After some more making out in the street and in the elevator we busted into the hotel room ready to get naked. That plan came to a screeching halt as soon as I opened the door and saw Chris curled up on one of those hotel room chairs crying like a little drunk bitch. Apparently Shitfaced Chris had wandered off the main streets in the Quarter and was robbed at gunpoint. One of New Orleans' finest gang-bangers, I'm sure. The third couple was there trying to console him to get him settle down but that wasn't working. He would just switch from crying and hysteria to staring at the wall with a blank look on his face refusing to respond to anyone. It got so bad that even the girls in the room were making fun of him about how he was handling the situation.
Chris sat there weeping for an hour and a half waiting on his mommy to come from Baton Rouge to pick him up at 3:30 in the morning. By the time Chris was out of the picture everyone was back in the room and what at one time appeared to be a sure thing ended up just being a case of blue balls. Elizabeth moved away not long after that party and I never got to hook up with her. I will forever blame that misfortune on fucking Chris.
GUMBO GUMBO GUMBO COCKLEVEE GUMBO
It was syllabus week of my junior year of college, and my buddies and I were pregaming at my apartment before heading out to the bars. One of my friends, Joe, had misread a text I sent him about which beer to buy and he brought a bunch of Keystone over (I actually told him to get anything except Keystone). Most of us preferred Natty Light. Anyway, we got over it and later went out to a local bar.
We get inside, order drinks, and hit the dance floor. After dancing with a few random gals I spotted this beautiful brunette who shot me a 'come hither' look. So I made my way across the dance floor to her, and before long we were messily making out in front of everybody. This went on for a while (with pauses to get more drinks) and eventually she says "Let's get outta here", and I agreed without hesitation.
On the way back to my apartment, for reasons unbeknownst to me, we were talking about shitty kinds of beer. She mentioned how much better Natty was than Keystone and I readily agreed. Anyway, we make our way back to my apartment (it was around 2 AM) and as soon as I open the door we are all over each other again. Clothes were quickly coming off and being thrown about the living room. At some point one of us mentions going to my room, so we do.
Before we get there she asks for a glass of water, and I tell her there's some bottled water in the fridge. She opens the fridge and notices a few Keystones were still in there. Half naked, she turns to me and says, "You told me you preferred Natty over Keystone. What else have you lied to me about?" At this point I was 100% sure I had secured an evening of sex and was banking on it happening. I tried desperately to convince her that I hadn't lied about anything and that the Keystone was in there because my friends are idiots. Alas, to no avail. She picked up her clothes and left. I never saw her again, and I made Joe buy me beer and condoms for the next three months.
I did a year at college where I met a lot of chicks. One night me and my buddy/roommate Mark were partying at a frat and there was this girl I knew from one of my classes that I had been flirting with some. She wasn't very hot but had a nice ass and huge tits I wanted to touch so bad. I grabbed a beer and went up to her and started making small talk. I don't think she knew anyone at the party, she was really happy to see me and we talked and she kept touching my shoulder and arm. Mark came over eventually and I was confused because she was flirting with both of us, had her hands all over both of us. We drank more and all got real drunk. The frat party was getting lame so I invited her back to our place to smoke with us. At this point we're all three sloppy drunk and she's giving us both kisses on the cheeks keeps rubbing my back and mark's shoulders and is hanging off both of us. At this point I figured one of us was going to get laid and even if it's Mark, maybe I'd get to watch.
We got back to the room and packed a bowl. She was sitting on Mark's lap at this point and stroking his hair while I took the first hit. We passed the bowl back and forth and she was telling us about how she's never done it with two guys at once. Feeling horny, drunk and stoned, I told her I was game for trying this. Mark was a little hesitant and said he didn't know. She took off his shirt and started sucking on his neck while she straddled him. I came up behind her and reached up her shirt and finally got to grab her nice tits. We moved it to the bed as she took turns making out with each of us while the other felt her tits up. Mark loosened up a bit and was getting into it, he pulled her pants down and started to finger her. She undid my pants and started to give me a handjob, and then Mark's pants with the other hand. My handjob led to a blowjob. As I laid back and started to really enjoy it, I noticed Mark sitting there alone, and he was a little bit out of it.
Here's where it got weird. I ain't gay, but I like giving blowjobs. I felt bad for Mark, so I turned myself around so I could reach over and blow him. I started to suck on it and he seemed to go with it for a little bit. Then, all the sudden he pulled his dick out of my mouth and punched me in the face. I was bleeding out my nose and she stopped blowing me. Mark was yelling like a lunatic and I was bleeding pretty heavy from my nose. She grabbed her shirt and left pretty quick. I got dressed and went to the bathroom to get some tissue for my nose while Mark kept yelling at me.
Things were awkward the next day, but we're cool now. I saw that girl twice afterwards, and she avoided me each time. I think Mark and I turned her off to group sex.
Gotta love the "I ain't gay, but I like giving blowjobs" line.