Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs "Philly Fight! 2012 Crackheads Going N Downtown Philly!" Tonight's commentator: occasional Deadspin contributor Rodney Anonymous of The Dead Milkmen.
"Altman-esque" is a term film students often use to describe a movie that breaks all the rules of a particular genre, in honor of the late director Robert Altman whose film classic "M*A*S*H" redefined the war movie and whose groundbreaking "Billy the Kid vs. Santa Claus" forever transformed both the Western and Gay Porn. "Ass-turkeys" is a term the public often uses to describe film students. With that in mind, let's check out this genre-busting chunk of art.
While your average street fight video runs about two minutes in length and contains, at best, three slaps and a shove, this footage is ten minutes of pure crazy. The action kicks off immediately as what is either a very short, very round woman or a beach ball that's come to life tosses some bottled water upon the runner-up in Philly's annual Captain Ahab look-a-like contest. Next, Ahab instantly – and inexplicably – strips off his shirt.
So, at less than 40 seconds into the clip, we're treated to Ahab versus the White Whale. Sadly, all we get to witness is Mobile Dick shoving Ahab to starboard before the action is interrupted by a dude in a wife-beater whose skill at handling large mammals clearly points to an earlier career at Sea World.
At this point, with Shamu safely wrangled back into her tank, 99.9% of all Fisticuffs Al Fresco clips would come to an abrupt close; however, what we have here is the gift that keeps on giving, as the action evolves into the greatest tag-team match of all time. Both WWFs – The World Wrestling Federation and World Wildlife Fund – need to take notice that this sort of action is how you put asses in seats. It's also at this point that Ahab does his part to beautify Philadelphia by putting his shirt back on.
And then, the magic happens!
Suddenly, the videographer breaks down the Fourth Wall of Cinema by turning the camera upon herself and informing us that "it's going the fuck down." If you've ever wondered what sort of person would stop to film a bushel of America's lowest hanging fruit duking it out on Chestnut Street, your question has just been answered.
Young lady, if you're reading this, or – most likely - having someone else read it to you, thank you for providing us with the catch phrase "Y'all need to stop; IT'S KIDS OUT HERE!" It's as if Abraham Zapruder, standing in Dealey Plaza, had trained the camera upon Lee Harvey Oswald and begun shouting "Y'all can't be shootin' no Presidents; IT'S KIDS OUT HERE!"
While Ms. David Lynch interjects the occasional bon mot, Ahab proceeds to flip off whatever invisible spirits have been taunting him since the day someone first turned to him and said "Here; smoke this" before loosening his belt because hey, why the hell not? And who is the guy in the shorts and sandals? You know; the dude with that bewildered German tourist look about him.
The next four minutes are a riotous cornucopia of finger-pointing, ethnic slurs, and implied violence. A few blocks away, the Rizzo statue was no doubt shedding tears of nostalgic joy. Meanwhile, the Leni Riefenstahl of the iPhone continues to direct. Only, instead of yelling "Action!", she's decided to go with the more inspirational "Knock him the fuck out!"; just like Robert Altman did on the set of "Nashville", only this is better because now, IT'S KIDS OUT HERE!
And now, the rest of your Tuesday Night Fights:
• It goes without saying that if the young women of Winnipeg continue to turn on one another in such fashions, Gary Bettman's Lockout will be tainted and stained with the blood of hungry hockey fans. (Start of Violence, 0:08)
• SKINNY WHITE BOY FTW!!! (SoV, 0:22)
• Let this be screamed from high atop the mountain: Philadelphia is not the only place on earth at which fights break out in hotels. It happens in Punta Cana too. See? (SoV, 0:28)
• Your St. Louis Twista Show Musical Break:
• Four on four. Shirts vs. skins. Hear. Them. Roarrrrrr! (SoV, 0:13)
• In a very special two-part episode from Daytona Beach, a gentleman starts by yelling — pleading? wailing? — to be left alone, that he can not see his country or self degraded by the punks of the world. Then, they move down the street to Molly Brown's, outside of which words turn to punches and whatnot. (Part I, then SoV, 0:56)
• Our narrator is quite impressed by this street brawl from down in D.C. (SoV, instantly)
• Your Street Fight That Sank A Boat Intermission:
• From the 215 comes this bit of scored youth battlin' from Edison High. (SoV, 0:06) Bonus Coverage: "Presenting 'Philly Girl Fight,' In Which Jasmine And Krystal Work Out Their Differences The 215 Way." (SoV, instantly) Bonus Coverage II: "GIRL GETS KNOCKED OUT" (SoV, 0:12). Bonus Coverage III: "Another Day, Another Philly Street Fight Goes Viral. Yawn," or this is what happens when South Street Oktoberfest muscles convince you to slap a Philly cop in the face (SoV, 0:10).
• TNF Beijing correspondent Anthony Tao shares a video in which "the story is probably more interesting than the fight" (SoV, instantly). Bonus Coverage: "A College Campus Playground Fight Ends With Old Man Getting Beaten By A Rod" (SoV, 0:19). Bonus Coverage II: "And Now For Something Different: A High-Definition Video Of Van Assault"(SoV, instantly).
• Ahoy, Polloi! (In which TNF fans send in fights that they've found): Eric was first to share the Cleveland Bus Brawl (SoV, 0:35) [See her response]. Richard rode the way back machine to 2008 to share this trackside spectacle between a gaggle of 'Mericans (SoV, instantly). Derek from Dublin says this has become all the viral rage in Ireland (SoV, 0:06). Jim was all about the time shit got real at Subway (SoV, 1:00)
• Your Vietnamese Ladies Turned Feral Intermezzo:
• Explains YouTuber MrsJadedkitty420, "Awesome fight between 2 drunk mexican guys in front of a Colton jr high school and this guy got some good hits in, got to watch..." So did a chihuahua. (SoV, instantly)
• When White Boy Day goes awry. (SoV, instantly)
• LET MAH HAIR GO LET MAH HAIR GO LET MAH HAIR GO (SoV, 0:01)
• This one's called "Old Bitches Fight," and that's not only profane and sexist, but it's aygess, too. Still fun as all hell, though. (SoV, instantly)
• Your Lady Alley Fight Which Ends In Face Blood Second Intermission:
• It was with a stealth nature that Hippie Ninja arrived on the street of battle, outside Mr. Mike's Pizza in Burlington, Vt., to deliver a kick to the back of one combatant before receding into the darkness awaiting his next mission, meditating for ultimate preparedness. (SoV, 0:06)
• Sactown, represent. (SoV, 0:41)
• Others: "Mother and Daughter brawl." "Leon vs tomy street fight." "Fake Blood Threatens To Kill White Boy For Grabbing Him Instead Of Fighting." "Insane Fight." "Asain Street Fight." "CCTV - Fight At A Nightclub. Man Knocked Out Cold." "Street Fight! Total War Unleashed. Military Drunkard Vs. Random People." "FIGHT." "Jc fights Homie."
• Your Total Badass Coda:
• And, An Unprecedented, Late-Edition Moment Of Zen: