Tony From Dallas Will Hang Up And Listen: Your NFL Early Games Viewing GuideS

There are a several weirdly intriguing games this week. Cowboys-Ravens seems like to could be interesting. Why, I don't know. It just does. Same for the Lions and Eagles. And who could forget Kansas City and Tampa Ba—false alarm on that one. Sorry, guys.

Oakland at Atlanta (CBS): Dan Dierdorf and Greg Gumbel will be calling this one and I can't help but feel that no man in the history of mankind has had a more onomatopoetically apt name than Dan Dierdorf. The networks really need to step up their game in the on-air talent department. Say what you will about the A-Teams of each, but they are not, like, terrible, terrible. But there is a huge drop off from Nantz and Simms to the CBS B-Team. Same goes for Fox. How are Greg Gumbel and Dan Dierdorf the next best CBS has got? What does that say for the Ian Eagles of the world? Get your shit together football announcers.

Cincinnati at Cleveland (CBS): Putting the Bengals and the Browns together in the same division was a master stroke in trolling the rest of the country. Two games, every year, these two teams have to play. And! And, we already have Ohio in the Union so, it's a double whammy. Or a triple whammy. If you thought this was a worthless capsule for the game, well, do I have news for you. Here's this. Let me recap this four pack of overflowing analysis for you:
1. Best player on team coming back could be good.
2. Brandon Weeden looks like a rookie, because he is a rookie, and he is playing inconsistently. Like a rookie.
3. Dictate tempo = good.
4. Turnovers = bad.

St. Louis at Miami (FOX): The Rams have their first winning record since 2006. If they win and the Cardinals and 49ers both lose, there would be a three-way tie for first in the NFC west. That's the most I've thought about the Rams in probably a decade.

Indianapolis at New York Jets (CBS): I always wonder what it would be like to be a fan of a team that has a quarterback like Tom Brady or the Colts version of Peyton Manning. And it seems like those assholes in Indianapolis will have two generations of quarterbacks like that. Obviously Andrew Luck has a long way to go, but everyone who seems to know about these things thinks its an inevitability. And that is some shit. Take the Jets for instance. The Jets actually had a shot at Manning, but he stayed for his senior season. Chad Pennington, Vinny Testaverde, Browning Nagle, Glen Foley, Ken O'Brien, Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow. And there are teams who have had it worse! And the Colts. The fucking Indianapolis Colts get these guys. This game may even show us the cycle of ineptitude that leads to such terrible quarterbacking: Sanchez gets yanked after the offense continues to struggle. He is now toast. Tebow comes in. Sparks a win and then the Jets tank the rest of the season. Sparano gets fired. Rex gets fired. Tanebaum gets fired. Repeat.

Detroit at Philadelphia (FOX): Calvin Johnson only has one touchdown this season and that came from Shaun Hill, not Matthew Stafford. The Lions and Packers are at the bottom of the NFC north and the Vikings and Bears are at the top. This is a weird year. Meanwhile Michael Vick has accounted for 11 turnovers so far this year. Six of which were interceptions-all in the first two games. But he also keeps dropping the ball. He's got eight fumbles, five of which were not recovered. That is not so weird. Vick is so streaky it seems, that he is the perfect quarterback for Philadelphia fans, if you are the kind of person who likes to watch Philadelphia fans slowly go insane. Hot and so exciting one minute and the absolute worst person to ever throw a football for money the next.

Dallas at Baltimore (FOX): [Burst of carbonation from an ice cold and refreshing light beer can being opened.]
Disembodied voice of movie trailer guy: Team That Merely Looks Like A Good Team/Team That Actually Is a Good Team

Tony From Dallas Will Hang Up And Listen: Your NFL Early Games Viewing Guide

Trey Wingo: Welcome back and, guys, we could probably do a segment every week on the Dallas Cowboys who always seem to be right there in the discussion and then fizzle away. We know they've got the talent, because everyone says they have the talent. Maybe if they weren't in Dallas and played in, say, Tampa Bay, we'd all feel differently about their talent level. I don't know, maybe it's just me. Maybe we'd think twice before talking about Tony Romo in the same breath as some of these other great quarterbacks. Did you realize Tony Romo played just over a half-season his first year in 2006 and he wound up playing in the Pro Bowl. Does that not seem insane to anyone else? I feel like that is the fucking craziest thing I have ever heard in my fucking life. And why do I wear Columbia suede shoes with a suit? ALMOST as crazy as Tony Romo playing in the Pro Bowl after a 10-game season.
Mark Schlereth: [slack-jawed, leaning back]
Herm Edwards: [admiringly shaking head] Hoo! Trey Wingo!
[Burst of carbonation from an ice cold and refreshing light beer can being opened.]
Disembodied voice of movie trailer guy: Team That Merely Looks Like A Good Team/Team That Actually Is a Good Team

Kansas City at Tampa Bay (CBS): Look out for that NFC South, boy. Jesus. there is a logjam of one-win teams behind Atlanta, including the play-to-the-whistle Bucs. At this point, Schiano will have worked a miracle if he can prove that his players have not just totally given up on the season right after the bye week.

What You're Watching

Via The 506. CBS:

Tony From Dallas Will Hang Up And Listen: Your NFL Early Games Viewing Guide

FOX:

Tony From Dallas Will Hang Up And Listen: Your NFL Early Games Viewing Guide

Top image by Jim Cooke