Tyler Perry, tired (temporarily) of wearing dresses in his own movies, stars tomorrow in Alex Cross, playing the titular character of James Patterson's series of novels. Here is a semi-comprehensive list of everything Tyler Perry pretends to do in Alex Cross, in order. Spoilers abound.

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  • Runs.
  • Holds a gun.
  • Punches a man.
  • Is surprised his wife is pregnant.
  • Wears a tie.
  • Untucks his shirt.
  • Kisses his wife.
  • Answers phone.
  • Opens door.
  • Calls his partner (Edward Burns) on the phone.
  • Puts on another shirt.
  • Drives a car.
  • Tells Edward Burns he loves him.
  • Inspects a crime scene.
  • Looks concerned.
  • Sees a dead body and looks sad.
  • Narrates a torture scene from looking at the evidence.
  • Praises a psychotic's charcoal painting technique.
  • Uses a woman's severed thumb to open a safe.
  • Slices open an envelope.
  • Takes an assault rifle away from a German guy.
  • Rides an elevator.
  • Snarls.
  • Points a rifle at psychotic Matthew Fox.
  • Jumps out of the way of a grenade.
  • Crawls out from under a table.
  • Staggers.
  • Glowers.
  • Explains what Matthew Fox's nose looks like to a sketch artist.
  • Describes Matthew Fox as a "stimulus-seeking sociopathic narcissist."
  • Tells a coked-up secretary he just ate at McDonald's.
  • Comforts a scared Jean Reno.
  • Refuses Cognac.
  • Looks annoyed by Jean Reno.
  • Has a drink with his wife.
  • Makes a joke.
  • Looks at a disgusting picture on his phone.
  • Calls Matthew Fox "one sick twisted son of a bitch."
  • Asks Matthew Fox if he "zaps his testicles with a stun gun."
  • Runs to save his wife from Matthew Fox.
  • Fails.
  • Holds his dying wife's head.
  • Cries.
  • Cries.
  • Cries.
  • Says "no, no, you're OK."
  • Cries.
  • Cries.
  • Sits in a church pew.
  • Cries.
  • Attends funeral.
  • Gets a drawing of Matthew Fox.
  • Calms down Edward Burns.
  • Comforts daughter.
  • Tells daughter about his dad dying.
  • Answers phone.
  • Tells Matthew Fox, "I'm gonna watch your soul come oozing out of your body, you maggot."
  • Shows regret.
  • Bulges eyes.
  • Crushes phone.
  • Takes shirt off.
  • Saws off shotgun.
  • Holsters handgun.
  • Sasses his mother.
  • Vows revenge.
  • Holds flashlight in mouth.
  • Watches Edward Burns weld.
  • Wears do-rag.
  • Asks Giancarlo Esposito if he knows a chemist.
  • Breaks into a warehouse.
  • Punches chemist.
  • Throws chemist into a table.
  • Hits chemist with golf club.
  • Rocks back and forth in anguish.
  • Weaves in and out of traffic.
  • Yells at motorist to "move!"
  • Argues with his superior officer.
  • Furrows brow in frustration.
  • Looks furtively in several directions while a camera circles him.
  • Runs away from an explosion.
  • Rams Matthew Fox's car with his truck.
  • Chases Matthew Fox into the Michigan Theater.
  • Shouts at Matthew Fox.
  • Gets hit by Matthew Fox with a wrench.
  • Punches Matthew Fox.
  • Karate chops Matthew Fox.
  • Bangs Matthew Fox's head against a pipe.
  • Kicks Matthew Fox in the groin.
  • Screams as Matthew Fox breaks his arm.
  • Throws Matthew Fox down a staircase.
  • Hangs from a pipe.
  • Drops Matthew Fox to his death.
  • Drinks coffee.
  • Tells Edward Burns, "This ain't over."
  • Skypes with Jean Reno.
  • Figures out Jean Reno's grand plan.
  • Listens on Skype as Jean Reno explains his grand plan.
  • Smirks as Jean Reno realizes Alex Cross has framed him for a crime.
  • Nods as Edward Burns says, "We got him."
  • Says, "Yep, we got him good."
  • Laughs.
  • Laughs.
  • Shakes Edward Burns's hand. "Thank you, brother."
  • Goes back home.
  • Looks at daughter.
  • Smiles.

Fin.

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You think that's crazy? You should see Matthew Fox.

Grierson & Leitch is a regular column about the movies. Follow us on Twitter, @griersonleitch.