A Semi-Comprehensive List Of Everything Tyler Perry Pretends To Do In Alex CrossS

Tyler Perry, tired (temporarily) of wearing dresses in his own movies, stars tomorrow in Alex Cross, playing the titular character of James Patterson's series of novels. Here is a semi-comprehensive list of everything Tyler Perry pretends to do in Alex Cross, in order. Spoilers abound.

  • Runs.
  • Holds a gun.
  • Punches a man.
  • Is surprised his wife is pregnant.
  • Wears a tie.
  • Untucks his shirt.
  • Kisses his wife.
  • Answers phone.
  • Opens door.
  • Calls his partner (Edward Burns) on the phone.
  • Puts on another shirt.
  • Drives a car.
  • Tells Edward Burns he loves him.
  • Inspects a crime scene.
  • Looks concerned.
  • Sees a dead body and looks sad.
  • Narrates a torture scene from looking at the evidence.
  • Praises a psychotic's charcoal painting technique.
  • Uses a woman's severed thumb to open a safe.
  • Slices open an envelope.
  • Takes an assault rifle away from a German guy.
  • Rides an elevator.
  • Snarls.
  • Points a rifle at psychotic Matthew Fox.
  • Jumps out of the way of a grenade.
  • Crawls out from under a table.
  • Staggers.
  • Glowers.
  • Explains what Matthew Fox's nose looks like to a sketch artist.
  • Describes Matthew Fox as a "stimulus-seeking sociopathic narcissist."
  • Tells a coked-up secretary he just ate at McDonald's.
  • Comforts a scared Jean Reno.
  • Refuses Cognac.
  • Looks annoyed by Jean Reno.
  • Has a drink with his wife.
  • Makes a joke.
  • Looks at a disgusting picture on his phone.
  • Calls Matthew Fox "one sick twisted son of a bitch."
  • Asks Matthew Fox if he "zaps his testicles with a stun gun."
  • Runs to save his wife from Matthew Fox.
  • Fails.
  • Holds his dying wife's head.
  • Cries.
  • Cries.
  • Cries.
  • Says "no, no, you're OK."
  • Cries.
  • Cries.
  • Sits in a church pew.
  • Cries.
  • Attends funeral.
  • Gets a drawing of Matthew Fox.
  • Calms down Edward Burns.
  • Comforts daughter.
  • Tells daughter about his dad dying.
  • Answers phone.
  • Tells Matthew Fox, "I'm gonna watch your soul come oozing out of your body, you maggot."
  • Shows regret.
  • Bulges eyes.
  • Crushes phone.
  • Takes shirt off.
  • Saws off shotgun.
  • Holsters handgun.
  • Sasses his mother.
  • Vows revenge.
  • Holds flashlight in mouth.
  • Watches Edward Burns weld.
  • Wears do-rag.
  • Asks Giancarlo Esposito if he knows a chemist.
  • Breaks into a warehouse.
  • Punches chemist.
  • Throws chemist into a table.
  • Hits chemist with golf club.
  • Rocks back and forth in anguish.
  • Weaves in and out of traffic.
  • Yells at motorist to "move!"
  • Argues with his superior officer.
  • Furrows brow in frustration.
  • Looks furtively in several directions while a camera circles him.
  • Runs away from an explosion.
  • Rams Matthew Fox's car with his truck.
  • Chases Matthew Fox into the Michigan Theater.
  • Shouts at Matthew Fox.
  • Gets hit by Matthew Fox with a wrench.
  • Punches Matthew Fox.
  • Karate chops Matthew Fox.
  • Bangs Matthew Fox's head against a pipe.
  • Kicks Matthew Fox in the groin.
  • Screams as Matthew Fox breaks his arm.
  • Throws Matthew Fox down a staircase.
  • Hangs from a pipe.
  • Drops Matthew Fox to his death.
  • Drinks coffee.
  • Tells Edward Burns, "This ain't over."
  • Skypes with Jean Reno.
  • Figures out Jean Reno's grand plan.
  • Listens on Skype as Jean Reno explains his grand plan.
  • Smirks as Jean Reno realizes Alex Cross has framed him for a crime.
  • Nods as Edward Burns says, "We got him."
  • Says, "Yep, we got him good."
  • Laughs.
  • Laughs.
  • Shakes Edward Burns's hand. "Thank you, brother."
  • Goes back home.
  • Looks at daughter.
  • Smiles.

Fin.

You think that's crazy? You should see Matthew Fox.

Grierson & Leitch is a regular column about the movies. Follow us on Twitter, @griersonleitch.