Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs. The since-removed "Crazy Girl Fight" and "Rowan Ice Hockey vs. Temple Fight - 10/13/12." Tonight's commentator: Sarah Baicker, who covers the Philadelphia Flyers for Comcast SportsNet and doesn't take kindly to being insulted on the ice.
First, an admission: Despite those perennial bruises on my arms and the fact that I've played ice hockey since I was 13 years old, I've never been in a fight. The closest I've ever come was a game against my high school travel team's rival – we were maybe 15 years old? – and a girl on the other team screamed "FAT BITCH!" at me after a whistle … so I punched her. Square in the facemask. I got taken out of the game and my uncle, who'd driven in from New Jersey to watch, went on to call me "The Hammer" for the next five years (not a nickname a slightly awkward adolescent girl wants to adopt). Lesson learned.
OK, with that out of the way, on to the video of a girl fight in a parking lot that's pretty much the girls-in-a-parking-lot equivalent of an actual hockey fight! Thanks, Hickey, for picking something for me to watch that's totally in my comfort zone; I may not have ever been in a hockey fight, but I've been watching and writing about hockey for a pretty long time, so I know how to judge a hockey fight when I see one. And this is totally a hockey fight. Don't let the absence of ice or sticks or pucks fool you.
So, how do we know these girls are hockey fighting? The signs are telltale. Barely two seconds into the clip, the girl in the black jersey – err, shirt reaches behind the girl in red to pull her top up and over her head, restraining her and throwing the two off balance. When they fall awkwardly to the ground, they continue wailing on each other – exactly what would happen if Girl in Red were on, say, the Penguins and Girl in Black on the Flyers. And while all this is going on, a group of people casually looks on, slightly less enthused than your average Florida Panthers fan.
More proof? When things cross a line (they move on to hair-pulling) a couple of guys move in to try and break up the fight. They're just like hockey refs! One is even wearing stripes! I feel like I should be drinking Molson Canadian while I'm watching this.
If you're still not buying it, Hickey kindly send me a second fight to watch: a hockey brawl between two local universities' club teams: Temple University and Rowan University. This fight is bigger and much slower to develop, and there aren't any girls trying to tear each other's clothes off, but the similarities are there.
Just under a minute into the clip, No. 9 in red and No. 8 in white skate into the center of the screen and fall to the ice in a similarly ungraceful manner to the girls in the parking lot. Just as Girl in Red and Girl in Black, they continue beating on each other, apparently immune to how much it fucking hurts to fall to the ground – whether or not you're wearing any hockey equipment. And then there's even a goalie fight! But guess what? The smallish crowd present to watch the game looks just as unimpressed as the group that had gathered for that parking lot fight – maybe even a little less energized.
Actually, now that I think about it, I'd probably be a whole lot more worked up by witnessing a street fight between two high-school aged girls than a line brawl between two D-II club ice hockey teams, too.
And now, the rest of your Tuesday Night Fights:
• October sixth. Phoenix, Arizona. "A vigilante armed with a samurai sword has been filmed coming to the rescue of a man being attacked by two other men in a light rail car." #SamuraiLifeSaver (SoV, 0:25)
• Breakfast with a side of grits and black thong. (SoV, instantly)
• It's funny because the old guy tried to hit another old guy but fell down went boom. It's not funny because he might've broken some shit when he fell down went boom. But whatever, old man on the ground. OTSS. (SoV, 0:05)
• Your "White Girls fighting Mexican Girls and then themselves at Red Goose Fort Worth Texas Gangnam Style" Intermezzo:
• You tell the guy who gets kicked In the head at the 2:36 mark that this is the "Funniest Fight of 2012." (SoV, instantly)
• In case you're in the mood to see an arm get broken ... (SoV, instantly)
• CANADIAN STREET FIGHT ALERT!!! Well, Toronto. Not real Canada. (SoV, instantly)
• A return to Bourbon Street. (SoV, 0:50)
• In which a Tempe, Arizona bouncer gets sucker punched. (SoV, 0:03)
• The Battlin' Bro Breaks Bottle Over Head Of Bro Foe Intermission Report:
• The weekly update from the 215: "‘Fatman' and ‘Crackhead' Brawl in Philly" (SoV, instantly).
• From Beijing correspondent Anthony Tao: "Wife And Son Of Famous Artist Li Laoshi Involved In Serious Brawl." (SoV, 0:25)
• Ain't it just like a ginger to pull the old "push a foe backwards so he trips over the bench behind him" trick. Pathetic, Jacob. Puh. Theh. Tick. (SoV, 0:35)
• Your Young Chloë Sevigny Vs. Roomy Friend On Russian Basketball Court Interlude:
• TRUCKER BRAWL! (SoV, 3:13)
• This thing of ours fails to intimidate when goodfellas get their shades knocked off with a simple lil bitchslap after kicking a car. (SoV, 0:13)
• Ground and pound. GROUND. AND. POUND! (SoV, instantly)
• The London Street Fight Intermission (Complete With Sequins!):
• PSA: Here's some street-fighting home training courtesy of some dude whose kitchen doubles as a dojo. (SoV, difficult to say)
• What we have here is a "crazy man." He's on the "Q Train." There, he "gets dropped For Dude The N Word!!!" (SoV, 0:55)
• Others: "B.A (Boyd Anderson) bus fight." "драка на свадьбе." " OLDHEAD GETS SUCKA PUNCHED." "BRUTAL HIGH SCHOOL FIGHT." "Crown Royal Madness 25th st. East Saint Louis." "Dash-Cam Street Fight Action." "Elgin Street Fight." "Fight in Horsham."
• The 2 Girls, 1 Bum Coda (Long Beach Remix):