Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs. The since-removed "Street Fight Over A Girl On Twitter (SMH)" between @MonopolyGee and @Rozayyy_. Tonight's commentator: Deadspin commenter Iron Mike Gallego.
Yo Hickey. So, after going to 1980s wrestling icons, Twitter superstars, and even porn stars, I see you've finally decided to bring in a real heavyweight. And then whoever that was obviously rejected you, so you had to turn to me. But I promise you won't regret it, because if there's one thing I know, it's street fights.
[furtively Googles "street fights"]
Okay, let's do this.
So, this fight apparently started off as a twitter beef over some dude's girlfriend that moved into the streets. Let's all draw two lessons from this: (1) I should probably stop sending unrequested DMs to @RachaelCordingley because Carl Froch is a bad man, and (2) if you are going to chase a dude's lady online, make it one of these two guys, because they are, shall we say, sub-Tysonian in terms of their ability to bring the pain.
Oh, and one other thing: just … just never beef on twitter. Please. No one has ever successfully intimidated an opponent while being forced to use the same sort of cute shorthand a 14-year-old girl uses to write fan letters to Carly Rae Jepsen because you've got to make your threat fit into a 140-character limit – im gonna kick ur ass, lol J.
Let's turn to the action.
The guy who posted the video – King Ray Solomon – helpfully broke the fight up into four rounds, which in some ways only serves to make this whole thing an even sadder commentary about where we are as a society. Like, even when engaged in the basest exercise of pure animal instinct, we still want to dress it up so it seems like a low rent version of Boxing After Dark.
Round One: The bell rings, and the fighters meet in the middle of the street. Immediately, it becomes clear that both men have once seen a fight on TV and are desperately trying to emulate actual boxing technique, but that neither has ever tried this before. The result is that both guys instantly remind you of the parade of chubby turn-of-the-century Irishmen who got stomped by Tom Cruise in Far and Away. And, yes, the skintight jorts on the one guy do nothing to change this impression. We see there's some good enthusiasm by both guys, but neither has any idea whatsoever how to fight, and consequently, nothing of note lands clean, other than a few open hand slaps. This footage could have been lifted directly from a rough day on the set of America's Next Top Model. Then, like most professional prize fights, the action ends due to a passing car. O, Fan Man, where are ye?
Round Two: Round two picks up where the first one left off. Both men are swinging wildly from way too far away and missing. The crowd oohs and ahs when the fighters' arms collide, making a sound something like a punch actually landing. Skintight jorts wrestles wife beater guy to the ground, and round two comes to an abrupt halt.
Round Three: You know round three is important because it begins with subtitles. Remember, this isn't just a street fight, there are real production values involved here. And, finally, we have our first cleanly landed shot of the night, a sloppy looping right from wife beater that catch skin tight jorts on the chin and sends him scurrying away with his back turned. The two men tie up and fall to the ground in a move that looks sort of like a pile driver being attempted by conjoined twins. They get up, and jorts still looks a little shaken. He backs away as another car threatens to break up the action, but this doesn't deter wife beater, who pins jorts up against a van (the high budget subtitle special effects make a second appearance here, just in case you didn't already realize this was a James Cameron production).
And, then, it happens: Jorts goes for the ear bite. Oh yes, the most infamous moment in boxing history being recreated here on the streets between two guys who look less like Mike Tyson than, say, two guys who work at Tyson chicken. The editor goes all out: breaking out the slow motion and superimposing #miketyson on the screen. Two special effects at once? Your move, Industrial Light & Magic.
Round Four: The fight picks up at some point in the future. It's now dark outside. Wife beater has shed his top and is now just khaki shorts guy. Khaki shorts guy lands a few good shots and has jorts in a prone position leaning up against a car, he's ready to deliver a knockout blow, and …
SMASH CUT TO: A special message from our host this evening, King Ray Solomon. His name of course harkens back to the legendary King Solomon, which seems oddly fitting, since that Solomon is best known for the Judgment of Solomon.
In that famous example, two women each claimed to be the mother of a baby, and since Maury Povich was busy covering a locust outbreak in Mesopotamia, there was no good way to figure out who was telling the truth. Solomon proposed cutting the baby in half, and giving half to each, reasoning that the real mother would object (why the fake mother was down for half a baby is one of those biblical mysteries that you just take on faith, okay?). This fight is sort of a modern version of this parable.
You see, lots of women stand outside cheering this fight, and none seem terribly moved by the violence. That's how you know that none of them are the woman who is at the center of this beef. You can safely assume that lady is somewhere else, not watching, and silently wishing that both of these dudes would get cut in half somehow.
And now, the rest of your Tuesday Night Fights:
• When San Francisco Giants fans brawl and kick one another while they're down outside a World Series game, they kind of cede the moral high ground over Dodgers fans, do they not? (SoV, 0:14)
• Speaking of the Giants, at the 0:44 point of this sunset street brawl between a gaggle o' ladies, you will see a combatant pay homage to Marco Scutaro. (SoV, 0:06)
• Bro fights a pumpkin with his head. Bros loses. (KO, 0:55 of the first round)
• SpongeBob SquarePants and Hello Kitty Street-Fight Intermezzo:
• Do a shot every time you hear the word "faggot" in this video titled "NYC street fight in Brooklyn at the Barclays nets stadium first night beatdown!!!" (SoV, 0:10 and 1:45)
• In which a "Fat Home-boy" swings, misses and "Gets Beaten Like A Little Girl." (SoV, 0:06)
• So, they talk either Michael or Saso into letting either Michael or Saso get up after a playground knock-down and wouldn't you know it, Y Yay or whatever standing in front of the damn camera for the knockout blow. Stupid friggin Y Yay, man. ALWAYS getting in the way. And this goes back even to nursery school. No remedial action worked. He STILL doing it. (SoV, 0:16)
• This is a one-sided affair outside an H&M in Oslo. All scorecards have "Hippie Ninja" well ahead of "image only he can see." (SoV, 0:08)
• Your "Obnoxious Gril" Takes, Like, 47 Punches to the Head Inside 7-Eleven Interlude:
• In Bath, England, head stompings are called "stampings." Silly foreigners. Merica rules. (SoV, 0:19)
• Definite: Purse to the head. Possible: Michael Vick references? (SoV, 0:08)
• One participant maintains that "this is not a show," and as such wonders why everybody's watching. The other is concerned with her "titties" being pulled out. So, basically, it IS a show and she's just all sour 'cause she done got schooled by a lady foe who had to worry about both fisticuffs and bare exposure. (SoV, instantly)
• The Cleaners Gone Wild Infomercial:
• The commentary in this "brutal street fight" among "Cazy drunk people" is insightful. The commentatress clearly has a future in the biz. (SoV, eh, watch the whole thing)
• 2 Girls, 2 Guys, 1 Parking Lot Fight Card. (SoV, 0:20)
• Man purse strap fits snugly over his shoulder. Intervention in street fight 'a Vicenza' proves unsuccessful. (SoV, 0:06)
• Afterparty Bro Battle Live Look-In (Tape Delayed):
• In the weekly update from Philly, "Blunt Man" captured a beef about an apparent hit-and-run at 50th and Race, yo (SoV, 2:40). Watch A West Philly High School 'Beatdown' Which Was Caught On Tape (SoV, 0:14).
• TNF's Beijing Correspondent Anthony Tao checks in with "The Worst Bullies You'll Find Anywhere" (SoV, 0:13). Bonus Coverage: "Illegal Taxi Driver In Shanghai Runs Over German, Breaking His Leg… THEN Nearly Kills Him."Bonus Coverage II: "The Saddest Fight: Beggars Tussle Over Territory."
• It's poppin off in Australia, yo, with a pack of dingoladies on the streets of Sydney. (SoV, 0:08)
• Ladies scrapping in a convenience store parking lot. (SoV, 0:15)
• The BOSTON BRUHS Intermission Report:
• "Racial school fight"? "Racial school fight." (SoV, instantly)
• The Halloween Fight Round-Up: Libation, NYC (SoV, 1:01)
• Upon seeing this "Awesome street fight downtown," an observer points out that he'll call 911, gets mocked. Sad. (SoV, 0:30)
• Vegas street fight? Vegas street fight. (SoV, instantly)
• The One-Punch Intervention Showcase Showdown:
• Soccer kid vs. cross county kid. WHO YA GOT? (SoV, 0:40)
• Yooooo, Nicky and Pete done started scrapping in the nightclub parking lot n'shit. (SoV, 0:27)
• Others: "Ghetto Street Fights 9 - Hot Skank Edition." " Girl Dance Knock Out Gold (FAIL)." " Homeless Man Saves Police Officer." "street fight at caltrain." " I'm a brawler grrrr." "Union County High School Fight." "Brawl at Rival High School Football Game." "pelea callejera por diversion, se pelea hasta que haya algo de sangre." "Fight In NY McDonalds + Waffle House Security Guard Gets Jumped By 3 Girls." "Bully figth a little kid and get KO (WATCH THIS)." "Elijah vs. Christan NHS BeatDown." "Ass stomped." "2 hot blonde girls -street fight." "street fight SATX." "BEST Lesbian Street Fight In ATL! (MUST SEE)." "90 vs 90 street fight." "Street fight + 'Kim Kardashian' woman moons 'charlie bit my finger.'" "Shirtless Guy Starts A Brawl Over Ex-Girlfriend." "White girl Vs. Black - Fight video." "street fight in park."
• And Now, The Long-Awaited Obama/Romney WWE '13 Title Match Coda: