Mitch Albom Is The Meat In Baseball's Dumbfuck Stew

I'm gonna preface all this by telling you that I don't really watch baseball, nor do I particularly care who won the AL MVP award. But the beauty of reading a terrible Mitch Albom column is that you don't HAVE to know much about anything, because Mitch will always deliberately know less than you. Mitch writes for a very specific niche of people, the kind of people who peruse through bible crossword books while waiting in line at CVS. These are not people who care for things like the internet, or numbers, or Fifty Shades of Grey. These are the magic people. The good people. The last breed of downhome folks who would defend the honor of the cherished ABAB statistic. This already legendary puddle of mystery Albom ear fluid today is for THEM. Not for you corrupted youths out there. You don't need to know anything about WARP to understand where Mitch is coming from, gang. Let's dive in now.

In a battle of computer analysis versus people who still watch baseball as, you know, a sport, what we saw with our Detroit vision was what most voters saw as well:
Miguel Cabrera is the Most Valuable Player in the American League this year.

Unlike those NERDY computer nerds, folks in Detroit rely on a little something that I like to call DETROIT VISION, a supernatural power that allows city residents to ascertain proper MVP candidates AND to see through buildings, mostly because those buildings no longer have any exterior structure to them.

It reinforced what Tigers fans have been saying all season: This guy is a monster.

He led the league in monsterism! Honestly, what more do you need to know? If Tigers fans have used their Detroit Vision to confirm a diagnosis of monstrousness, what possible counter argument could some Zork-playing nerdlinger have against it?

It also answered the kind of frenzied cyberspace argument ...

NOOOOO NOT CYBERSPACE! Where people cybertalk and cyberchat with their spacephones and their starpads!

... that never shadowed baseball 20 years ago but may never stop shadowing it now.

That's the scary thing. The scary thing is that this whole Internet phenomenon might be here to STAY. I never thought it would last this long. I thought it was a fad. Like Uggs, or outdoor fireplaces, or the color fuchsia.

Statistics geeks insisted Cabrera was less worthy than Angels rookie centerfielder Mike Trout.

Please note the firm use of GEEKS here. Geeks, nerds, dweebs, dorks, spazzes, and poindexters ... this math shit is their sad little hobby. I think we should yank up on their briefs until they experience rectal bleeding. THAT'S WHAT GOOD MONSTERS DO.

Trout excelled in the kind of numbers that a few years ago weren't even considered, mostly because A) They were impossible to measure, and B) Nobody gave a hoot.

And if no one didn't care about something years ago, then it should have NO credibility when used in the future. I didn't care about the Internet back in 1986. Why should I care about it now? TOTAL WASTE OF TIME.

And what business do these geeky nerd geekazoids have taking time out from popping pimples to measure stats that I have already deemed impossible to measure? You want to actually try to quantify "walks and hits per innings pitched"? GOOD LUCK WITH THAT, SONNY BOY! Let's see your fancy Tandy calculator try and figure that one out. I don't think I'll be trusting your algorithms, thank you very much.

Today, every stat matters. There is no end to the appetite for categories — from OBP to OPS to WAR. I mean, OMG!

LOL! ROFL! GTFO! REO SPEEDWAGON!

I mean, did you do the math? I didn't. I like to actually see the sun once in a while.

Yeah! Unlike these dinkaroons, I like to walk out of my basement and CRUSH some pussy! Besides, we all know math can't be done outside. That's witch talk.

Besides, if you live in Detroit, you didn't need a slide rule.

People with computers TOTALLY use those!

This was an easy choice. People here watched Cabrera, 29, tower above the game in 2012.

Whoa hey, you mean to tell me that fans of the Detroit Tigers believe a Detroit Tiger should win the MVP? OMG! OMFG! OMD! ESPN!

Yes, it's true, Trout is faster, Trout is a better defensive player, Trout is a leadoff hitter, and Trout edged Cabrera in several of those made-for-Microsoft categories.

Yeah yeah, Trout is "better" when you look at it from several different angles. That's what the Compuservazis will tell you, with all their fancy Netscape formulas. Well, you know who could net-scape from anything? HOUDINI.

But if you are going to go molten deep into intangibles, why stop at things like "which guy hit more homers into the power alleys?"

That's not intangible. That's actually a measurable statistic.

(A real statistic, I am sorry to say.)

I'm so sorry to tell you that these America Onlinowinos have actually created a new category of statistical measurement. What does that say about our society? What comes next? Demon orgies? Buildings made of gum? Books on tape? I have looked into the future, and it is glum indeed. I don't see why that stat should mean anything if no one gave a hoot about it 50 years ago. I don't need a slide rule to know that.

Why not also consider such intangibles as locker-room presence? Teammates love playing around — and around with — Miggy. He helps the room.

What about the fabulous chicken parm he makes at home? And have you seen him grout a bathroom floor? A MONSTER.

How about the fact that Cabrera's team made the playoffs and Trout's did not? ("Yes," countered Team Trout, "but the Angels actually won more games.")

That's actually a pretty solid counterargument. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY?!

How about this? How about that?

How about you? How about me? How about us? How 'bout getting off these antibiotics? How 'bout stopping eating when I'm full up? How 'bout them transparent dangling carrots? How 'bout that ever elusive kudos? THANK YOU INDIAAAAAA...

The fact is, voters are not instructed to give more credence to any one category than another.

"Here voters, make up whatever reasons you want! EVIDENCE IS FOR GAYS."

Twenty-eight sportswriters, two from each AL city, decide, in their own minds, what is "valuable" and who displayed it the most.

And to me, "valuable" is all about who the most popular Detroit Tiger is.

They chose Cabrera.

By an overwhelming majority.

In the end, memories were more powerful than microchips.

BOOM ROASTED. You sabervirgins just got served. MONEYBALL IS THE ONLY BALLS YOU GOT. In the end, homers were more powerful than Hewlett-Packard. Teammates were more powerful that TI-81s. Translation: MATH FAGS LOSE.

What other sport keeps coming up with new categories to watch the same game?

All of them.

And this WAR statistic — which measures the number of wins a player gives his team versus a replacement player of minor league/bench talent (honestly, who comes up with this stuff?)

Heavens to Steven! What kind of loathsome creature actually took time out from THE SUN to devise such a pointless formula? How about RBIs? How about runs? How about smiling children discovering the wonders of baseball for the first time? How about this? How about that? How about a baseball bat?

— is another way of declaring, "Nerds win!"

So true. It's just another way of telling the world WE HATE PUSSY! Might as well fold up the tent and move on, folks. Looks like we're in for a long cold winter under the rule of these four-eyed fudgecompaqers.

(Cabrera) was the meat in the stew that became the American League champions, and while it is possible to argue the other way, it's undeniable to argue this one.

So true. It is possible to argue against Miggy's meatiness, but you cannot DENY that meatiness all the same. Meat isn't something that nerds understand. They don't SEE things like beef and protein unless you come up with some krayzee nerdarithm to help quantify Wins Over Dinty Moore. Cabrera's win was a triumphant blow for America's silent, retarded majority. It was a win for Detroit Vision. A win for meat. A win for sunlight. MORE POTATO CHIPS LESS MICROCHIPS.