Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: "Frankford Girl Fight" and "North Philly Fight So Slow." Tonight's commentator: A Philadelphia cop who sees shades of NatGeo porn.
This fight was tremendous, not because of the breast swinging, but because it looks like something out of National Geographic magazine. Where the fuck is it okay to just walk around with your rack out while screaming at the top of your lungs? The Frankford section of Philadelphia, apparently.
Right around the 20-second mark, a trash truck rides by and no one had the good sense to pick up both women and throw them in the back. Shame.
The fight was awful. The bodies were vile. The poor guy with the black Mercury Sable got his car fucked up then verbally berated by a peace-loving Muslim.
"Talk shit to the bitches."
Great quote from a man with a great beard. Not since Abraham Lincoln have we had such an eloquent bearded orator.
• Great siding on the corner property.
• An Ewok picks up the scattered clothing.
• Again, the fact that the one combatant is pretty pregnant.
• Random white guy on the corner. Why?
• Light-colored jeans are not fashionable.
• And finally, if this was in West or North Philadelphia, that ends in a murder.
This second fight was a pleasant surprise. So used to weave-grabbing and bullshitting that the toe-to-toe haymakers were refreshing. It wasn't Ali-Frazier, but it wasn't bad. At 0:23 we get a great wedgie view from the lady in the pink top. Hot. She also has tremendous tricep fat.
Okay, onto the fight.
At first it seemed like both pugilists wanted to establish their jab early on, but they ignored their corners and turned this into a brawl almost immediately. The fighter to the right has the obvious weight advantage. And hair advantage. It looks to be the same color and shape as the wig Lou Ferrigno wore as the Incredible Hulk. Round One to the Hulk. (Very minor weave grab by the Hulk. Not enough to warrant point deduction)
At 1:13, Round 2 begins and the action is fast and furious. The Hulk lands a few lefts and has skinny chick reeling. At this point she finds it helpful to removed her yellow shirt. No doubt purchased at H&M. When she engages the Hulk again, there is a quick flutter of punches with neither woman landing any solid shots. The fight ends uneventfully and this judge gives a decision to the Hulk.
Randoms: I need to invest in silk headscarves. No side view mirrors were harmed in the making of this video. Could you imagine living on this fucking block? I'm pretty sure this was in a ward that Romney got zero votes in.
And now, the rest of your Tuesday Night Fights:
• Remember Sams from "Lean On Me"? Yeah, this is what it would've looked like if Sams totally got dropped on a Detroit sidewalk looking all like a plump turkey being served to an excitable crowd. (Start of violence, 0:14)
• This is why Albertans can not be trusted to have American fast-food restaurants, what with their brawlin' at McDowell's. Side note: Keep an eye out for the early-seventies Gregg Allman cameo. (SoV, 0:08)
• Betcha can't guess who emerged victorious in a battle between "Dildo Pussbag" and "Some Guy That Handed Dildo His Arse." (SoV, 0:06)
• The Thonged Beach-Battle Intermission:
• On Nov. 10, the Cortland Red Dragons hosted the Ithaca Bombers at SUNY Cortland Stadium Complex for the world-renowned Cortaca Jug battle. This is what the Cortaca Juggalos were doing later that night. (SoV, instantly)
• This here video's called "drunk women in the street fight it's funny and action." All day. All day. (SoV, instantly)
• The Head-Stompingest Pink-Tightsenist Street Battle You'll See All Day:
• Chair-smashing-head brawl in the line to get Black Ops 2? Chair-smashing-head brawl in line to get Black Ops 2. (SoV, 0:08)
• The most offensive aspect of this fight between a pair of "chicken heads"? That Flavor Flav's name is misspelled in the title. (SoV, instantly)
• And now, your Black Friday preview clip ... (SoV, 0:29)
• Your Lady Bus Driver Lays A Smack Down On A Lady Passenger PSA:
• From TNF Beijing Correspondent Anthony Tao: "Two Wee-Hour Beatings This Past Week Prove There's Both Strength And Cowardice In Numbers" (SoV, instantly).
• Yep, another massive Russian gangbang brawl. (SoV, 1:00)
• The Vegas Street Brawl Featuring Bottle-Throwing Marksmanship Intermezzo:
• Topless dudes do battle in Moldova! (SoV, 0:40)
• Others: "Fight." "Security vs Visitor, street fight (Russia)." "FIGHT IN THE HOOD." "fight in fields after high school crazy kids and there face punching." "Marshall Street Fight (feat. Simba from Sliders)." "black lady punches and yells at Chinese lady till she gets beat up in Chinatown."
• The Baltimore vs. Philly Street Fight Of The Week (Or, Milla's Comin') Coda: