Dear Fireman Ed: F-U-C-K Off! Off! Off!S

In case you missed it, unofficial Jets mascot Fireman Ed, whose claim to fame is going to Jets games and spelling one word very loudly, "retired" yesterday. And the best part is that he retired because people at the stadium were just too darn mean to him:

On Thanksgiving night, I left the Jets game before halftime. This was the second time in a row I left before there were four zeroes on the clock. We have had much worse teams than this and I never left before. I pride myself in that, because I am not a quitter.

But you are. You're quitting right now, if you can call "deciding to not be a jackass in public" a kind of quitting. Do you want me to pat you on the back for not leaving a Jets game before? This isn't Afghanistan. You don't get extra credit for sticking around.

I decided to leave Thursday because the confrontations with other Jets fans have become more common, even though most Jets fans are fantastic. This is an indication of how society has lost and is continuing to lose respect for one another.

Gee, funny how the decline of civilization became too much for you to stand at the exact moment your team was falling behind 35-0, and while the guy whose jersey you wear was perpetrating the single most clownish fumble in the history of football. Quitter.

But yes, golly, what's the world coming to when a grown man can't ruin everyone else's good time by sitting on another guy's shoulders and blocking everyone's view? I FEAR FOR OUR CHILDREN'S FUTURES. Dude, YOU are the guy who goes to games and spends three goddamn hours drawing attention to yourself. Look at this idiot:

Is it any wonder that every drunken asshole on the concourse steps to you? What did you expect? It's not a sign of societal decay that you can't feel free to boss around every other fan in the stadium. You are Robin Ficker with a hat.

I do not want to lose my temper and make a stupid mistake.

TOO LATE!

I have a responsibility to the families and kids that enjoy the game and Fireman Ed.

THE KIDS DID NOT COME TO SEE FIREMAN ED. You're not Santa Claus. Are you Santa Claus? No, you can't possibly be, because Santa is awesome and you're terrible. You're a guy who yells. You know what I do if my kid wants to hang around a grown man wearing a fireman costume? I NOTIFY THE AREA PAROLE BOARD.

I have enjoyed my time in chanting the greatest chant in all of sports.

It's not a great chant. It's a STUPID chant. You're just spelling out the name JETS again and again. You are the reason soccer fans feel so superior. At a soccer game, people sing all kinds of crazy songs and wear matching scarves and shit. Meanwhile, you wear a hat and scream out JETS three times in a row. We football people must suck at fandom.

So please, Fireman Ed, don't go nailing yourself to a green cross. Your retirement isn't a sign that Western Civilization is in decline. It's more a sign that perhaps people don't go to Jets games to watch YOU. Maybe your retirement will finally help cure you of Chris Berman Syndrome. No child's innocence is now forever lost just because you won't be acting like a dipshit at a football game. When we were previewing the Jets before this season began, I got a lot of emails from Jets fans complaining about how annoying Fireman Ed is.

Chris:

Fireman Ed. Fuck you. I see you in the endzone with your cock and balls firmly placed against your gargantuan tard friend who hoists you up. I see you lead the most annoying cheer this side of "fly eagles fly." Stop at all costs.

Matt:

The jack-ass who sits on another man's shoulders and leads the "J-E-T-S" chant that was obviously created after a night of acid trips and watching the Electric Company? His favorite player growing up was Paul Warfield, who just happened to play for the Miami Dolphins.

Tom:

Most readers probably only watch the Jets maybe 6 times a year (I can't imagine too many people with NFL cable packages are singling out a Jets game over any other, unless you have Shonn Greene on your fantasy team, in which case god help you) and yet I'm sure they're all utterly sick of seeing that jackass get on his buddy's shoulders and do the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets! thing.

Andy:

Our fan mascot is Fireman Ed, who nobody likes, especially Jets fans. I remember my Dad trying to explain to me who that assclown in the helmet was and it made us sound like the most pathetic fanbase of all time. Oh, and he's not a real fireman.

Justin:

The only reason Jets fans need "Fireman Ed" is because they are too stupid to spell J-E-T-S without a chorus leader.

Amen.