Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: "Street fight for pop star (Russia)." Tonight's commentator: occasional Deadspin contributor Rodney Anonymous of the Dead Milkmen.
Admit it; when you read the title, your hopes soared in anticipation of an all-out, schoolgirl uniform ripping brawl between those two faux-Lesbians in t.A.T.u! Not so much because the majority of you have some serious, unresolved psychological issues (our marketing research has confirmed this), but because t.A.T.u! are the only Russian pop stars that anyone – including the entire population of Russia – are even remotely cognizant of.
No, what we have here is a mystery on par with the Tunguska Event of 1908: only with actual witnesses; no dead trees; and a greater likelihood of somehow being the result of years of exposure to high levels of radiation.
To paraphrase Komarovsky from Doctor Zhivago, "Shit is going down, and somebody needs to clean it up!" And that is just what we are going to try to do:
The first thing you probably noticed is that EVERYBODY in this video looks like Vladimir Putin. This isn't due to the application of some clever Roosky CGI developed during the Cold War; nearly every Russian under the age of twenty looks like Vladimir Putin because they are, indeed, the offspring of Vladimir Putin.
That's right; Russia is currently pretty much the play-at-home version of Village of the Damned, wherein all the children are creepy, indistinguishable, and indistinguishably creepy. In fact, the only people under twenty in all Russia who weren't father by Vladimir Putin-It-In are the girls in Pussy Riot; which is why they're making license plates in the hoosegow, while these borscht-fueled bozos are free to mix it up on the streets of The World's Grayest Town.
Speaking of pointless and depressing things, after giving up one minute and thirty-four seconds of our lives to watch Uri Sonofavich, attired for the Holidays in a lovely red and green ensemble, get a Germans at-Stalingrad-style beat-down from Jack Dempski, we are never rewarded with even the slightest clue as to which pop Tzar they were fighting about. It's like showing a Martian a clip from Eraserhead and
then saying "You'll figure the rest out".
Russia, you've given the world Tchaikovsky, Tolstoy, and t.A.T.u!. Would it be too much to ask for just a little context in your fight videos?
And now the rest of the Tuesday Night Fights:
• Two ladies are dancing on stage. One lady wants the stage to herself, so she starts a fight. Then, a dachshund appears. He is us. We are he. (Start of violence, 0:28)
• Then there was the time Jane Velez-Mitchell showcased a catfight outside an Orlando club in slo-mo because, as the guest maintains, it is something everyone in America needs to see. (SoV, 0:05)
• The Sino-Mexican Restodispute Intermission:
• A casual observer is left wondering whether this fracas is "West Side Story." No. It isn't. (SoV, instantly)
• When Mexican hoopsterbangers attack, they do not back down. And their perseverance prompts a wonderful cameo appearance two minutes and 28 seconds into this melee. (SoV, instantly)
• Shoulda walked away, "douche." Shoulda walked away. (SoV, 0:33)
• Your Fine Dining In North Carolina Commercial Break:
• Presenting "hot and fat best friends fight after school." You can decide which is which. Or if each is both. Or if both or neither. Project yourself unto one or both. (SoV, instantly) Bonus Coverage: "Big Girl vs Skinny Chick STREET FIGHT - EXTREME punches - Knockout Hunt." (SoV, 0:04)
• Barefoot Colombian lady in shorts vs. barefoot Colombian lady in long pants. Who ya got? (SoV, 0:17)
• Ownage. (SoV, instantly)
• This is what happens when bicyclists, rollerbladers and old folks collide in France. Not collide collide. Just, like, get all angry at the same time in the same place. (SoV, 0:02)
• The Keep-Ya-Head-On-A-Swivel Life Lesson:
• From the 215 area code: Ayo, in Philly, our Dunkin Donuts' folks fight back, yo (SoV, 1:28). Bonus Coverage: "Youngin" got himself some hands (SoV, instantly). Bonus Coverage II: "Watch A Young Man Learn That The Mayfair 7-Eleven Is Not Safe Harbor (With Bonus GW High And NE Philly Fights)."
• TNF tipster Sean shared "2 Women get they ass beat by McDonald's Employee! Over a Fake $50 bill -pt.1" with the rest of the class today. This is an old one, but it speaks to a TNF-submission interactivity that should always be honored. (SoV, 0:29)
• бойцовский клуб is Russian for Fight Club. I had to look it up. For accuracy's sake, this one should have been called волокнистая фасоль бойцовский клуб. You look it up. (Sov, 0:06)
• Your Newark, NJ Strip-Club Parking Lot Live Look-In:
• If only for 28 seconds, they were the center of attention in the parking lot. This battle was not one that words would decide. Called out for a fistfight. Yes! That was the predestined means through which a bloodlust could be sated. (SoV, 0:38)
• It is telling, the negative reaction to the gentleman who tries to pry these ladies apart receives. (SoV, instantly).
• Others: "Chick fight gets muddy." "Bad girlz street fight." "Yemeni Arabs Vs African Americans FIGHT! NY TRAIN." "BULLY GETS DESTROYED IN FIGHT." "Girls fighting in club Girl beefin fight brawl bar beef brauds gettin it in." "Bar Fight After Purgatory 10." "Street Fight in Chicago."
• It's Time For A Public Conversation About TCodett's Indecision Re: Smackin' Bitches Coda: