Fat Chipper Jones Is Throwing A Horrible Super Bowl PartyS

You will recall that a grown man who called himself "Chipper" used to play third base for the Atlanta Braves. You will recall, too, that he is fat and dates a Playboy model. He also has a Twitter feed. And an upcoming Super Bowl party. What a Super Bowl party it is.

It's THE CHIPPER JONES VIP EXCLUSIVE TAILGATE PARTY. (Check his webpage for some delicious typeface soup.)

What does THE CHIPPER JONES VIP EXCLUSIVE TAILGATE PARTY offer that I cannot find elsewhere?

This will be the premier pre-game party and will provide an electric vibe that will enhance your Super Bowl experience. Live DJ entertainment along with 5 star New Orleans cuisine and a super premium open bar is included with all of our packages. It will be an exclusive opportunity to meet future Hall of Famer Chipper Jones in person along with other sports celebrities.

Other sports celebrities? Like who?

Matt Harvey
Matt Harvey is a current pitcher for the New York Mets. Matt is an alumnus of the University of North Carolina.

Brad Clontz
Brad Clontz began pitching in the Major Leagues on April 26th, 1995. During his career he pitched for the Atlanta Braves, Pittsburgh Pirates, Los Angeles Dodgers, New York Mets, and Colorado Rockies. Brad was inducted into the Virginia Tech Hall of Fame in 2009.

Oh. Oh dear. Maybe the food will be good, at least?

Menu For The V.I.P. Party
Passed Items

Filet w/Brie & Caramelized Onions

Petite Crab & Crawfish Cakes

Mini Muffaluttas

Boursin Stuffed Mushrooms

Turducken Meat Pies

Artichoke Balls

Hey, everybody. Eat Chipper Jones's Turducken Meat Pie. But it'll be a fun atmosphere, maybe?

New Orleans offers visitors an authenic experience unlike anywhere else. Bleacher Report recently named New Orleans "Best NFL city to Party in". The food, music and culture are known around the globe.

Oh. Go to hell. What does it cost to get into one of these things, anyway?

V.I.P. Elite Package - $2,500
The V.I.P. Elite Package includes the following:
Autographed Chipper Jones jersey
Reserved Seating with Table Service
Super Premium Open Bar
Food Stations with 5 star New Orleans Cuisine
Heated VIP Outdoor Patio Access
Private Photo Opportunity with Chipper Jones

V.I.P. Package - $1,000
The V.I.P. Package includes the following:
Super Premium Open Bar
Food Stations with 5 star New Orleans Cuisine
Heated VIP Outdoor Patio Access

Everything sucks. Don't go to this thing.

[CHIPPER JONES VIP EXCLUSIVE TAILGATE PARTY]