Christmas Came Early: Your NFL Early Games Viewing GuideS

We've got a busy start to the day in NFL-land where every game is a gift, with varying degrees of usefulness and did-I-even-ask-for-this-piece-of-junk?-ness.

New Orleans at Dallas (FOX): If you do an extended family, or in-laws Secret Santa, this is your gift. A $30 gift certificate to Best Buy or something. Useful, but you have to go out of your way to get something. And it's not, like, a whole lot of money where you could be excited about what to get. On the other hand, you don't get stuck with shitty socks and, still, $30 is $30. Most likely, you'll use it to buy some DVDs. All in all, it could be much, much worse.

Buffalo at Miami (CBS): Oranges from your parents' neighbors. You don't feel bad forgetting them when you leave.

Tennessee at Green Bay (CBS): Another useful gift, but not all that interesting to you. A new collar for your dog, say. Sure, the dog could use a new collar, but it's not really for you. It's the kind of gift that, looking back, becomes more valuable when your dog chews through the old collar next week and you magically get the second seed in the NFC.

Indianapolis at Kansas City (CBS): Oh you got me a satellite radio! That is so cool. I'm so interested in this. All these special channels—there's a Jimmy Buffett channel?! Radio Margaritaville, No shit? Let's fire this bad boy up. Oh, wha...I have to what? Oh. I have to sign up for a service. And you...you didn—what? No, yeah of course, I'm gonna set it up after I shower. Thanks so much.

Washington at Philadelphia (FOX): This is the enormous gift under the tree. You look at it and it immediately is more interesting than anything else. You quickly go for it and realize that it is kind of light. Disconcerting. It is in a used box. Another red flag. So much tissue paper. It's a fra-gee-lay leg lamp. Someone gave you a gag from a movie scene about a tacky gift. It's still kind of sexy, though, to the 13-year-old boy in us all.

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh (CBS): This is your iPhone, iPad, big ticket item. Or maybe you are in your early 30's with a beard and 47 different gingham shirts, in which case this is every single episode of every series ever made by AMC. This game will go a long way in deciding the final AFC playoff spot and is just about a playoff game itself. If the Bengals win, the Steelers are out. If the Bengals lose, they have to beat Baltimore and hope the Steelers lose to the Browns next week. Best game of the afternoon.

St. Louis at Tampa Bay (FOX): A gray shirt. Probably from your father-in-law. Maybe it has sleeves, maybe it's short-sleeved. It doesn't really matter, though, because it's a gray shirt that was folded, covered in tissue paper, placed in a box, wrapped and presented to you as though it was something worth going through and undoing all those steps.

Oakland at Carolina (FOX):

Christmas Came Early: Your NFL Early Games Viewing Guide

New England at Jacksonville (CBS): This is a CD (Or, whatever, someone specifically bought you an album on iTunes because who the hell buys CDs anymore? Just go with it). It's not a CD of your favorite band or anything, it's just a CD with one song on it that you mentioned in passing that you kind of liked. The rest of the songs are pure garbage. Like, someone actually recorded some egg cartons, bits of wax paper from the butter that you always cut off in one tablespoon increments and maybe a soda bottle because you don't recycle, rolling around in a plastic bag and looped it for three minutes while an auto-tuned girl with pink and black hair warbled some double entendre about her clitoris. You'll add the song you like to a playlist and throw out the CD.

Minnesota at Houston (FOX): Another solid gift, but a sneaky-solid gift. It is an objectively good gift, but it's not something you ever thought to ask for. I recently got one of those little Bose stereos. It's fantastic. Never in a million years would I have ever thought to get that for myself or even thought "You know, those Bose things sure are sweet." Yet here I am listening to dogs barking Jingle Bells through it.

San Diego at New York Jets (CBS):
You: [fake smile, holds up novelty sweater] Oh, I looove this!
Your Aunt: It's a Rudolph sweater!
You: Yeah. [looks for receipt]

What You're Watching

Via The 506.
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CBS:

Christmas Came Early: Your NFL Early Games Viewing Guide

FOX:

Christmas Came Early: Your NFL Early Games Viewing Guide