Paris Saint-Germain acquired the services of Zlatan Ibrahimovic from AC Milan over the summer, and since his old team confirmed that he'd be heading to the Paris club, "Ibrahimovic," reports UK's Metro, has been "rumoured to be looking to strengthen his marketing ties in France." That could conceivably mean buying a French domain name, and, like so many rich people that have been haunted by their failure to own the best possible domain name and taunted by the people that do, Zlatan will face a problem should he try to acquire Zlantan.fr. Someone already did, and is holding it ransom.
The English version of the site offers exactly the sort of pretty friendly, sort of threatening introduction you might expect from someone who squats on a URL as a way of meeting their favorite soccer player. All sic'd:
When you signed in my beloved soccer club, I got the hudge surprise to see that the domain name "Zlatan.fr" was available… do you believe that ?! So, I rushed to book it… you know, I really didn't want anyone wicked to take advantage of your name and image.
By the way, as you can see, I didn't put any commercial link on that website… you can admit that I am a nice buddy. I could have made a fortune with such a domain name !
So now, I give you the opportunity to have it back. And for that, as you can imagine, we won't bother with lawyers and endless procedures.
He said, as he locked the door behind Zlatan Ibrahimovic and reached for the candlestick. These are the 12 "challenges" Ibrahimovic can complete, any one of which will get him the domain name:
1. Offer me a dedicated PSG jersey, with my name on it and the following quote: "After Zlatan, you really are the best !"
2. Stay at my place for a month. This way, all my life, I could say "Ibra? Sure, he used to sleep on my couch for a while."
3. Offer me 3 lifetime season tickets, for two of my friends and I. Obviously, I'm talking about Official tribune tickets… don't try to fool me with your crappy H Blue tribune tickets… [Ed. Note: Yikes]
4. Win penalty kicks against me, at the Parc des Princes of course, so that you're at home and have no excuse in case I win.
5. Beat me at taekwondo. I've heard you're not too bad at it. As I've never practiced that sport myself, I recommend you to choose this challenge.
6. Give me one of your locks of hair as a gift. Samson's strength came from his long hair. I think it works the same way with you. Then, I can make a key ring with it, which will bring me power for the rest of my life. [Ed. note: Double yikes]
7. Beat me at FIFA13. You can choose the teams but, anyway trust me, there is no way you can make it.
8. Score a more-than-30-meter-backflip-goal in an official game. Just kidding… this is not realistic.
9. Let me slap you in the face, without saying a word… and in public obviously.
10. Offer a bare-chested dedicated photo of you to my girlfriend. Frankly, among all of those challenges, I have to confess it's not my favorite. I'm getting fed up to see twinkles in her eyes when you take off your jersey at the end of a game.
11. Manage to have Neymar sign at PSG during the 2013 summer transfer market.
12. Simply ask me to let you have this domain name for free… but face to face and – as a tribute to Guillaume – in French obviously.
Easiest—penalty kicks, though the picture to his girlfriend might be equally easy. Hardest—staying at the guy's place for a month, or letting him slap you without killing him in return. Taekwando would probably be the most fun.
Of course, Ibrahimovic.fr is available, so if Ibrahimovic really wants to stick it to his fans—and who wouldn't, with this guy?—he'll just opt for that.