Phil Simms Just Gets Worse And WorseS

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we're covering your friend's sex tapes, chemo poops, spider lungs and more.

Your letters:

Daniel:

Aside from Gary Danielson, is Phil Simms the worst color guy?

Simms gets worse every year. I don't even know if he's speaking English anymore. It takes him nine days just to say the word "outside." He doesn't even bother finishing sentences. "What did we sayeee before the gayme, Jeem? RUNNEENG, RUNNEENG, RUNNEENG THE BALL..." He's like a robot someone threw a glass of water on.

I think Simms represents a kind of perfected TV personality, some who has been so ingrained with football announcing cliches that he believes all of it. It's like listening to someone who's been brainwashed but has also been allowed to retain his horrible, horrible Kentucky accent.

Andy:

So everyone wakes up one day and finds out that the human body is no longer capable of self-healing and that medicine has also become completely ineffective in helping a person recover from a physical injury. Sprain your ankle—deal with it for life. Break your leg in the nastiest way imaginable (e.g., your bone is now on the outside of your skin)—enjoy getting dirty looks at the mall.

Do people stop playing sports recreationally? Do they avoid all fitness activity for fear of injury? Do professional sports cease to exist in any form?

Well, if the body were incapable of self-healing than we'd all probably die within a month due to our inability to fight infectious diseases. But if we're talking strictly about outward physical injury, then I think pro sports would keep going. MARK SCHLERETH SAYS RG3 IS SUCH A WARRIOR AND HAS A WARRIOR'S HEART FOR PLAYING WITH NO LEGS. Or, at least, pro sports would TRY to keep going. You would see leagues desperately changing rules and equipment to keep players healthy and keep the money rolling in: no more tackling in football, face masks for baseball batters (which they probably should be wearing anyway), lower rims in basketball to prevent nasty falls after dunking, etc. Turnover would be constant. Play would be unimaginably sloppy. You wouldn't even know what you were watching. Kind of like the NFL right now!

Drew Magary writes for Deadspin and Gawker. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at drew@deadspin.com.

Outside of sports, we'd have an even bigger adjustment. The people at BIG BAND AID would become the most powerful people on Earth. The people at the National Knife Association would lobby to keep the government from taking away their precious blades. The national gun conversation would be ten times more annoying, which is amazing because I thought it was already at its most annoying. Everyone's knees and elbows would bleed all the time. Tylenol would become even more useless than it already is. You and I would be in constant pain due to long-standing injuries. Everyone would be in a terrible mood and then we'd all nuke each other just to get it over with. Sounds fun!

Matt:

My friend's sister died 3 or 4 years ago, but her Facebook is still up and the site keeps telling me to add her because she's someone I may know due to our whopping 9 mutual friends.

I know that Facebook turning into a condolence book is part of the modern death. But this makes me wonder, should it be mandatory to keep your social networking passwords on file so that your loved ones can pull your accounts down after a suitable online grieving period, or should friends forever have to suffer through a permanent online reminder of your passing?

Facebook should pull the account once they know you're dead. And they KNOW. Thanks to their abysmal privacy settings and advanced consumer-tracking algorithms, they know exactly when you died, and that autoerotic asphyxia was the cause. Even if you aren't dead, Facebook knows WHEN you will die. It will be in 2035, and it will be because someone from Facebook had you killed because you tried to delete your profile. But Facebook won't delete any of those dead-person profiles because deleting them means eliminating one more place for people to visit within Facebook, which represents one trillionth of an extra second for you to hang around and click on a political ad that's two years out of date.

In the long run, nothing will be done about this. The online graveyard will just build up more and more and more until there are more dead people within your social network than live ones. And that will be uplifting.

Joel:

I was in a hospital today when I had to urinate so I jumped into a public washroom and saw the enclosed pic. What are the possible consequences?

Phil Simms Just Gets Worse And WorseS

Here's an explanation from a medical website:

The chemotherapy drugs are strong. They can still be toxic and dangerous to others even as they are being removed from your body. For example, they can cause abnormal changes in DNA, they can alter the development of an unborn baby, they may be able to cause other kinds of cancer and some may cause localized skin irritation or damage... No one should come into contact with your urine or your feces (stool). You must flush the toilet twice after each use. If possible use a separate toilet from others in your home.

So if you piss chemo drugs into the toilet, the peepee spray could get onto the rim and infect the next person who brushes against it. This is why, if I get cancer, I'm going to pee into plastic bags and then foil criminals by threatening to coat them in my poisoned discharge. Those bank robbers thought they had it made... but they didn't count on PISSMAN foiling their best-laid plans!

Mike:

Awhile back my friend and I at work captured a spider in an airtight container to suffocate it. However, two weeks later that eight-legged fuck was still alive and mocking us. I did some research and discovered spiders have a specific type of lungs and can last several weeks without a significant source of oxygen. If this is true, why are we not adapting spider lung technology for humans?

First of all, I did not know that spiders had superlungs. I don't know why they were gifted with superlungs while I need five hours of rest after retrieving something from the bottom of a pool. That's crap. Spiders already have plenty going for them: eight legs, web powers, terrifying eyes. They don't deserve superlungs. They only reason they have them is so that can stay in your basement for longer, waiting to jump on you and eat your face while you change the laundry.

My guess is that scientists are working secretly on superlung power for the US government, only you don't know about it. It makes all the sense in the world to dump billions and billions of dollars into research to give our Navy SEALS spider lungs. We'd save at least $400 a year on SCUBA equipment if we could pull it off. I bet one SEAL already volunteered to be the guinea pig for the technology, died, and then was replaced with a second guinea pig. If I were terrorist, I wouldn't go night swimming any time soon. SPIDER-LUNGED CHRIS PRATT GONNA GITCHA.

Sarah:

I took this at work today. These are the treadmill desks that precisely zero people use. I understand the one on the left, but the one on the right...

Phil Simms Just Gets Worse And Worse

I guess that's for people who would like to work and crawl at the same time. Or maybe your office has a dwarf and no one wants to offend him by putting the tread-desk up at normal heights.

I can understand why no one would be caught dead using those at work. I work at home standing up because I have a shitty back and my doctor told me to. It's easy enough to do at home because no one can see me doing it. But in an office? With co-workers watching? God, that would be awful. It would be like working naked. Everyone would stare. And everyone would be uncomfortable because you aren't sitting. Ever watch TV with a person who won't sit down? It's horribly nerve-racking. Are you leaving or not, asshole?

RT:

Let's say you take a HUGE shit. Like, world record shit. Like, length of your forearm (I'm dead fucking serious). Is it weird to photograph it?

Just asking for a friend.

I think poop Instagramming is relatively widespread at this point, even though I can't get on board with it. I have a friend who takes pictures of his dumps all the time. And he assumes I like seeing the pictures because I write about shitting a lot. But that's not the case. I don't want to see your poop. I only like MY poop. My poop is strange and mysterious and beautiful. Your poop is a horrifying blight upon the world. I don't like poop instagramming. Take a photo for posterity and keep it to yourself to treasure forever, but don't go showing everyone at ratemypoo.com. NOT FUNNY, BRO!

John:

What would happen if one of two astronauts going aboard the space station for a year killed the other in the first month? Would he be brought back to face justice or would the authorities let him finish his mission?

Given the difficulty in extricating someone from outer space, I bet NASA would do their best to retrieve the murderer from the ISS in a timely manner, but within their annual budget of four dollars. The problem is that the murderer might then refuse to go back, knowing it's better to hang out in space playing gravity pong with his colleague's corpse than going home and being sent to jail. And then NASA would have to consider a bunch of lousy options:

• Work with other countries to cut off power to the station, starving him of oxygen and perhaps killing him.
• Shooting down the station, killing him but in a cooler way.
• Sending a team of armed SPACE SEALS (with spider lungs) to forcibly remove the murderer. I obviously support the SPACE SEALS initiative.
• Cover up the murder. "Your husband died of, like, dysentery, ma'am"

I bet NASA would go with option #4 every time.

Sam:

What is the success rate of non-pro skateboarders, in terms of tricks landed vs tricks botched? It can't be more than five percent.

I hope it isn't, because I want those kids to hurt themselves badly. By the way, half those fuckers outside your local multiplex don't even TRY to do tricks. They just stare at nearby railings and consider grinding them, only to do circles in the parking lot one more time. SACK UP AND HURT YOURSELVES, you little shits. Mike Shanahan says you're good to go.

Zach:

How sexy would a two-headed woman have to be for single you to date? I mean, if it's Kate Upton, but with a second head? You gotta do that, right?

Of course. The only problem is if you date her for a long time and then she breaks your heart... How are you gonna go back to dating one-headed women? You're gonna be ruined. You're be dating some other girl months later and you're gonna think to yourself, "Well, she's nice. But she's only got one head." Once you go two heads...

HALFTIME!

Shawn:

What if the NFL had best-of-three playoff series? It would be incredible. Name five people who don't want this. You can't.

If we kept the current number of playoff contestants, that would extend the playoffs by... (does hard math)... another eight weeks, which is roughly same amount of time it takes the NBA to complete all of its first round playoff series. Players would never support this. Playoff bonuses for NFL players range from $20,000 to $88,000 (not counting individual contract bonus clauses). No team is gonna play potentially twelve extra games for that. I'm sure there are lots of NFL players who are more than happy to NOT make the playoffs and get extra time off work. Even if you cut down the number of playoff teams to eight, that's still a potential nine-game mini-season ruining your team. By the third game of the Super Bowl, both teams would be starting 50% practice squadders and everyone would just want to go home. I mean, you saw last weekend's games. They sucked. This was just bad luck, but all those extra playoff games mean more chances for Mike Shanahan to murder RG3's leg again.

So while I like the idea as a pipe dream, in reality it would be unwatchable. I would really like more football in my life without destroying the quality of play, but it's just about impossible. This is why we need a fifth major team sport, something for me to watch during the spring and summer that's better than watching baseball. DO NOT SUGGEST LACROSSE OR I WILL HURT YOU. I would like to take some of the government's spider-lung money and funnel it into New Violent Sport R&D.

Pete:

I am told a human and orangutan could mate and have a child. Sort of like a mule or liger. Do you think this has ever happened? Would the child be allowed to play for the NFL?

According to Slate, "Rumored animal-human crosses from the past few hundred years have included a man-pig, a monkey-girl, and a porcupine man." I think we can all agree that Porcupine Man would have a devastating impact on NFL defenses. Who's gonna want to tackle THAT guy? I think that plenty of men have had sex with apes because horny men will do ANYTHING. I also think that the resulting offspring from such unholy alliances would probably be a barely functional animal, not the super-powered Silverback we'd all like it to be. So sure, Monkey Girl can play in the NFL if she's good enough. But she won't be. She'll be too busy eating her own shit.

David:

Instead of arbitrary roughing penalties, what if the NFL put in a rule that said your team loses its starting QB for the rest of the game if you injure the other team's starting QB?

CHAOS. Mass fucking chaos. Remember: RG3 went down late on Sunday night without even being touched. You can't penalize the Seahawks for that. That would be dickish. You'd have to have an arbitrary panel deciding if one team was truly responsible for another team's injury. By now, I think we all know that the NFL handles subjective judgments poorly. Plus, any team with a good QB would be so scared of losing that QB that it would let the other team score 7,000 points.

Plus, the rule could actually incentivize teams that already have shitty QBs. If Mark Sanchez is your starting QB, there's no reason not to give him up for the sake of crippling the fuck out of Tom Brady. Again, this rule should be tried out during the Pro Bowl, if only so I can watch it fail miserably. The Pro Bowl needs to be the NFL's rules lab.

Tom:

You have the power to go back and time and prevent one musician from ever getting in front of microphone or picking up a guitar or whatever. We're not murders; they'll lead a normal life, but their music will never exist. Who do you choose? I say Elton John, because fuck "Benny and the Jets."

If their music never exists, that also means the culture of their music never exists, which means I have to choose the Grateful Dead, even though I want to pick REM so very, very badly. You could also experiment and take away The Beatles, just to see if music ends up being awesome without them. Then you could be that one asshole at every party who says the Beatles are overrated, only you'd be right.

Andrew:

What if there's a crazed person who's demanding to chop off your dick, but they let you make a substitution? I could see trading one hand for your wang definitely.

You wouldn't want a hand down there. You'd want some reasonable facsimile of a penis: a dildo, a vibrator, a big hose, etc. You'd want it to be as close to you old penis as possible. I know the idea of a pizza cutter down there sounds wild, but trust me: the novelty would wear off and you'd really regret not taking the dildo.

Austin:

I recently took a dump, a dump that was perfectly shaped like the number 2. Like, look down at your keyboard. It looks just like that, except made of poop.

So meta. Well done.

Dylan:

Girl across the street was an escort until they got evicted. Her REAL name is Fantasia. When your real name is Fantasia, what the hell do you use for a working name? Maude? Ethel?

I'll go with Kaytlynn. I can't imagine how hard it is to live somewhere knowing there was an escort living next door. Every time you took out the trash, you'd think to yourself, Is she working right now? Then you'd steal a glance at her window and then feel like a pervert for trying to sneak a look. And what if you literally needed a cup of sugar from her? She's not buying that shit. She knows why you showed up at her door. BUT I JUST WANTED TO MAKE A BUNDT CAKE I SWEAR.

Jay:

90% chance he is a teacher. 100% chance he touches kids. Am I right?
Phil Simms Just Gets Worse And WorseS


[Click to enlarge.]

I'd say you have a 95 percent chance of being right. LEGIT 95 percent.

Mark:

I would say if you are the scorer of a touchdown, you have to kick the extra point.

Doug Flutie would give anything for this rule to be legitimized. I don't support the idea because quarterbacks would probably excel at kicking the extra point as opposed to backs and wideouts. So you'd have a lot more QB sneaks at the goal line, and there's no bigger letdown than a touchdown scored on a QB sneak. The QB sneak TD ruins fantasy games all the time. And then you'd have announcers bursting into orgasmic praise every time Tom Brady splits the uprights, just like when he throws a block. LOOGIT HIM GO ABOVE AND BEYOND THE CALL OF DUTY. WHAT A MAN.

Tim:

NFL players should have to pay fines for dirty hits or extracurricular contact directly to the victim of said hit. This payment should be done in person and with an apology. Imagine Ndamukong Suh forking over $30k to a smirking Matt Schaub and stumbling through an apology that Goodell then makes him repeat more sincerely like your dad always did whenever you gave some mumbled apology you didn't mean. This could be broadcast every Wednesday on the NFL Network and I would not miss an episode.

They would have also present the injured party with an oversized novelty check for the fine amount, signed in ink. This would probably cause defensive players to loathe quarterbacks even more than they already do. Eventually, someone like Suh would snap for real and choke a player to death on the field as retribution for his public shaming. I think I'd be okay with that.

Cam:

My friend since grade school and his wife (two years married, no kids) were enjoying a few drinks this weekend when the subject turned to sex tapes. The wife kinda let it slip (thinking about it now, it may have been on purpose) that they have made a sex tape. After some pressuring my buddy confirms this but goes on to say that he's embarrassed of the tape because, according to him it's boring. Now, I have experience with cameras and how to use them, so they asked me to help them film a proper sex tape. I have never seen his wife naked, but deep down I really do want to.

Do I take them up on their offer?

Maybe if there were a way to set up the camera for them and then leave the room so that they can take it from there. But otherwise, FUCK AND NO. I can't imagine how awkward it would be to stand in a room with your friend and film him having intercourse with his wife. Are you supposed to direct them during the shoot? What if you get a boner? What if this is all a subtle way of pulling you into a twisted three-way relationship that can only end in wrecked lives? Don't do it. This is the kind of activity that only Tennessee swingers engage in.

Talking about sex with your friends is fun when you're all single. Once people get married, it turns weird and horrible. I'd rather cut myself with a can lid than hear a friend talk about his sex life. Watching it would be that much worse. Every time you see them, from that point forward, you would be thinking I'VE SEEN YOU DO IT. The only way I'd say yes was if the friend in question was AJ McCarron.

Jonathan:

Who would be the worst person(s) to win a huge Powerball lottery in regards to public reaction? A Kardashian? A Westboro Baptist? A tourist?

Hard to argue with a Kardashian, although I think John Edwards would also work. If you're someone who has had a remarkable amount of good fortune in life and done virtually nothing to earn it (as Kim Kardashian has), and then you go and win $500 million, that's the kind of thing that makes people want to burn down cities. Why does everything good happen to that ingrown pussy hair and not you? How is that fair, God? YOU DICK.

Ryan:

If you could choose one bodily fluid to not have to worry about anymore, which would it be? Not having snot would save you-according to my calculations-$38.39 in Kleenex per year, or the $26.93 in paper towels per year (I'm a paper towel man myself).

It has to be between snot and piss, right? If you have a weak bladder as I do, pissing causes all sorts of awkward problems: dribbling in your undies, getting up just as the movie is getting good, stopping on road trips, waiting in endless stadium lines, getting up in the middle of the night... It's awful. To be free of that forever... to drink oceans of beer without ever having to break the seal? Fucking awesome. I know it feels good to piss, but I promise you, you wouldn't miss it if never happened again.

Email of the week time:

Chris:

Last night, I was in class and while the professor was conversing with us about leadership, I noticed a cockroach the length of my middle finger crawling along the top of the wall opposite of where I was sitting. That fucker was huge but I didn't want to interrupt the class with my disgust of what I was seeing. Apparently, I was the only person in the class to notice too, because even when the roach made its way to the white board, and was slipping across the board, NO ONE SAW IT BUT ME. It fell on the dry erase markers and before I could say anything, my prof went to pick up the marker the roach was chilling on and freaked the fuck out. Then the rest of the class freaked out.

I still don't know what the most appropriate way of warning my prof (or the rest of the class) could have been. Am I a bad person?

No. You were under duress. The roach put you in a state of mortal terror so severe that could barely react. That's no crime. At some point, the federal government needs to get our spider-lunged SEALS to round up all the roaches and shoot them into space, where the SPACE SEALS can then neutralize them.