Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: "NEW 2013 Hardcore Nuts Crazy Drunk Polish Guys Fight on the Street Wrestling." Tonight's commentator: Deadspin's Dead Wrestler of the Week Associate The Masked Man (with an afterthought from Chikara Wrestling's "Director of Fun"). Coming next week: A stripper reviews a stripper brawl.
This video fills me with so many questions.
Who, for example, is that woman? Why is she looking at the camera instead of the fight? Are fights so much more common than cameras in this Polish backwater? Are pipes rarer than either one? If not, why on earth is the pipe here so important to this young man — we'll call him Piotr — so important that he risks life and limb repeatedly? Am I crazy or was that a textbook triangle choke out of a side headlock? Where does the pipe go after the guy in camo hoodie takes it? What affliction does young Piotr have that his mouth foams so? Why, for the love of Dażbóg, does the pipe mean so much to him that he attacks the bicycle? How does he miss that coke bottle? Does the Coke bottle have magical properties? Why is nothing open? Seriously, can you explain to me why the bakery is closed, or the bank? Is this a Polish national holiday? Is this how Poles celebrate? By getting drunk and leaning against closed shops and watching idiots fight terribly? Is this any way to express your national pride?
Is Piotr tightening his Tevas because he thinks it will help him fight better or just for comfort's sake? Is spitting at someone the most universal symbol of disdain? Did Piotr target that guy that he punched because he was the only other guy out there in sandals? Is the guy in the camo hoodie actually drinking the same Coke bottle that Piotr winged across the street? Wait, was that him at 1:40 crossing in front of the camera specifically to pick it up and drink it? Was this always about the soda for him?
Wait, is the crotch grab the most universal symbol of disdain? Just how drunk is Piotr? Why is this no big deal to anybody there? Why must one be in a headlock to give a single fuck about anything? Is this a commentary on the human condition? Are we all doomed to face the perils of isolation? Wait, wait, is this Polish Independence Day? Is that the metaphor? Am I close at all? Oh well, happy Dzień Niepodległości everybody.
Well, the bike had it coming, didn't it? This drew the 2nd biggest crowd in the history of Polish MMA.
Interesting to see the placement of the headscissors here, and the grapevine, and then the patented hold-them-immobile-and-pinch-their-windpipe, which was popularized by The Undertaker during that Leslie Nielsen business years back.
The work is more miss than hit, and the booking is puzzling. Even without having been there or speaking Polish or finishing out the exhausting 2:34 playing time, we feel pretty certain this can only be awarded 1 and 2/3 stars.
And now the rest of the Tuesday Night Fights:
• Without fail, a cinematographer often seems to be on the scene to provide nearly 10 minutes of footage when "crazy drunk girls" fight in backyards. (Start of Violence, 1:05, and intermittent throughout)
• What I don't get is why the Lady in Red fled the scene after pulling the whole high-low trick on her tiring flow. The flight was unnecessary. The judges' scorecards undoubtedly reflected this. (SoV, instantly)
• White Boy Day in Danbury, Ct. Yes! (SoV, instantly)
• This is called "Sexy Lady Fight Guys in Store." In it, oh, just watch (SoV, 0:14).
• Time for the Scantily Clad Ladies Working Out Their Differences With Pushing And Shoving On The Beach Intermission Report:
• It's all fun and games until someone decides the time is right to trash the pastry rack in a supermarket. Then, it's all vengeance. Tasty Klairs 4 Lyfe. (SoV, 0:20)
• OMG, she's going to be soooooo embarrassed her dad got in the middle of her street fight. (SoV, instantly)
• Girl meets boy. Girl rough-houses boy. Girl wins. (SoV, 0:05)
• This one feels familiar, but not so familiar that I recall seeing that lady in yellow in such HD clarity. So here it is (possibly again). There's a lot of win here. (SoV, 0:03)
• The Crazy Fight Between "Hippy Punks and Thugs" Live Look-In:
• Fox Hills Mall, represent (SoV, instantly).
• Long Beach, represent (SoV, instantly).
• Turkish street warriors, represent. (SoV, instantly)
• Here's a shanty fight in Jamaica involving a machine, a board, a rock, a shovel and a Nissan with some rope in the flatbed. (SoV, 0:08)
• The East St. Louis Food-Stamp Office Brawl That's Somehow Obama's Fault Because It Contradicts The Very Essence That Made 'Merica Exceptional Commercial Break:
• Your weekly update from tha 215 includes "This Week In North Philly Street Fights From YouTube" (SoV, 0:21). Bonus Coverage: "Two females fighting and the guy pushes the side jawn down hard as hell" (SoV, instantly). Bonus Coverage II: "Some Cheerleaders Got Into A Street Fight Outside A Philly McDonald's" (SoV, instantly). Bonus Coverage III: "this is a black girl fight a white girl" (SoV, 0:30).
• From TNF's Beijing correspondent Anthony Tao: "Cops Petition Against Charge Of Police Brutality, Get Beaten Up" (Sov, 1:02).
• And now, a trio of fights from TNF tipsters: Adam H. shared "Tuesday Night Fights: High School Mascot Edition" (SoV, 0:05). Meanwhile, John F-D presents oldie-but-goodie "Fat Guy in Tapout Shirt Loses Worst Fight Ever at Whataburger" (SoV, 1:56). Finally, Steve I. came correct with "BACK IT UP BACK IT UP BACK IT UP BACK IT UP BACK IT UP BACK IT UP — Trashy Mom Gets Tased (SoV, the buildup warrants attention).
• This is no way to get an education, especially in the classroom. (SoV, instantly)
• Tipster "East Side Jayhawk" Dave Hoff Presents An "I tell these youngest all the time, I DIDNT GET THIS OLD FRIM BEI" Intermezzo:
• Camera-Chuckin' Nupitualmania! (SoV, 0:12)
• This one is called "Girl Fight knockout." Girls aren't involved. But a guy wearing dark socks and sneakers is. Thus, the fight was warranted. (SoV, instantly)
• 'Twas a quiet night at the Queen Mary. 'Twas. (SoV, 0:05)
• Others: "'The Best Street Knockout Ever' ;P" "Girl brawl after Toc Bar in Houston, Tx." "Pelea en la playa 2013." "Wedding Dress Fight Caught On Tape." "STREET BRAWL, PROBABLY DRUNK." "Girls Fighting In After School Street Fight 2013." "white girl street fight." "Tel Aviv Parking Lot Brawl." "The guy stole from grandmothers of a bag." "street fight sat 26 jan 2013 George Godley London U.K." "fight xD" "Bellflower fight behind church."
• And, finally, the "Honolulu Chinatown Tranny Happy New Year Fight" Coda: