I don't think I'm alone in having a love-hate relationship with donuts. In a perfect world, I would be able to eat all the donuts I like. In this one, I have to wrestle with the fact that donuts are among the worst things I could ever ingest, somewhere between baby back ribs and C-4. A box of donuts in a conference room is a deadly siren that will seduce you and then leave you fat and dead. It's not fair. I should be able to eat donuts freely without turning into a panel from a Cathy comic. When I walk into a donut shop, all I want to do is leap behind the counter and grab everything on the racks. And yet, I can usually choose only one. Which one? WHICH, I ASK YOU? Reader Andrew knows what I'm talking about:
Tuesday was my last day at my internship, so my manager got a box on donuts as a nice little send off. It was a variety box of donuts and I obviously had first overall pick in the donut draft and picked the only Jelly.
Other donuts included red velvet (disgusting) three plain, blue berry, two chocolate frosted, strawberry frosted, glazed, marble, and the vanilla frosted shown. My other coworkers picked, talked around desk for five minutes, thanked me for my job, and went back to work.
There were four donuts left: the glazed, two plain, and the vanilla frosted, I took the glazed donut for my second donut because well fuck everyone it's my last day.
Then in a stunning turn of events, the two plain donuts were taken before the Vanilla frosted. I looked at each person who took the plain donut like they were fucking crazy. The vanilla donut was still there when I left at 4 o'clock. Such a bizarre ending. What would be your picks in the donut draft, and would you condemn those who left the vanilla frosted to death? I sure would.
I have to think the plain donut eaters were people who liked dunking their donuts into their coffee or something. That's the only decent explanation, and even then it's inexcusable because a frosted donut beats a coffee-soaked donut any day of the week. Or maybe two people took the plain donuts under the reasoning that a plain donut would be healthier than a normal, frosted donut. That's a fat person's logic. I assure you that I've used similar logic to justify numerous poor eating decisions.
Anyway, there's no way to rank donuts without starting a bench-clearing brawl, especially since the quality of donut types varies depending upon which store you go to. Some people like Krispy Kreme better than Dunkin' Donuts. But other people like Dunkin' because OW-AH FACKIN' DONUTS AHHH BETTAH THAN YOUR-AH FACKIN' DONUTS. Anyway, this is my best stab at donut rankings (setting aside matters of caloric intake), Please note that I'm not gonna include any of the crazy boutique flavors available at hipster donut shops. I'm just going with the standard offerings, so don't bitch about Maple Fried Chicken Strawberry not being on here:
1. Jelly. Preferably glazed.
2. Chocolate frosted. Again, preferably glazed as well. All donuts should be glazed before having other thing done to them.
3. Glazed. You should be able to order extra glaze. I like glaze.
4. Apple fritter. Especially if it has that apple-pie shit in the middle. When I was in dipshit prep school, one of the seniors ran a "grill" in the dorm basement that sold chips, candy, and soda. He would buy extra apple fritters at the store because he knew I would buy them all because I was a big, fat kid.
5. Cruller. So pretty!
6. Maple Long John. For people who prefer their donuts in raft form.
7. Boston cream. OW-AH CREAM IS BETTAH THAN YOUR-AH CREAM!
8. Vanilla frosted (or any fruit flavor). It's like a glazed donut, only frosted! One frosted glazed donut for me with extra icing, please.
9. Chocolate or vanilla sour-cream donut. When you put these in the microwave you can actually see the layer of fat on the outer edge of the cake. That's important.
10. Frosted with sprinkles. Kids always ask for this one because kids are dumb.
11. Crumb. I'd like a donut that is ALL crumb.
12. Cinnamon. Pointless.
13. Toasted coconut. Stupid.
14. Powdered sugar. I don't get powdered sugar donuts at all. You're basically ordering a mess. "I'd like white dust all over my body and the floor, please. Mmmmm ... this donut sure tastes dry!"
15. Pumpkin. Isn't it bad enough that it's invaded beer?
16. Lemon. For the people who eat all your discarded lemon Starbursts.
17. Red velvet. Which should taste way better than it actually does. Without cream-cheese frosting, red velvet cake is nothing.
18. Plain. Norv Turner's favorite!
Feel free to start a donut flame war in comments. Let's all be fat and angry together.