The B.S. Report Report: A Lobster That Had A Lot Of Poop Inside

Julia Alvidrez, Gawker Media's operations manager, is an unabashed fan of Bill Simmons and everything Grantland. She is also an occasional reader of Deadspin. Every week, she will recap Simmons's podcast, The B.S. Report, for us.

It's about to happen. On Sunday night, I'm going to watch the final minutes of the Super Bowl. I'll definitely cry when the winners storm the field. Then it will be over. I'll go home, fall asleep on top of the covers, lights on, and when I wake on Monday morning, football will be gone. I know it will come back. I know this. But I can't think that far ahead. All I can think about is next Sunday. It's winter. What else am I supposed to do on a Sunday, indoors, for six-plus hours? I guess I could go to church. That's the only other thing that I know happens on a Sunday. HELP! I'm open to suggestions and I'm free every Sunday from now until… Well, you know. Let's sit back and savor these last few bits of football while we still can.

On Monday's podcast, Sean Grande and Zach Lowe join Sports Guy to make get well soon cards for Rajon Rondo, on a special all-Celtics-panic edition of the B.S. Report. They aren't as sad as I expected, though. I was ready to hear Bill sob for an hour and pull out his hair over hypothetical trade scenarios, and, to be honest, I was looking forward to it. I don't have anything against the Celtics, Boston, or Bill—there's just something satisfying in knowing that everyone else is sad while you're perfectly fine. So, confused and disappointed, I turned to another Celtics fan for insight. He immediately told me that he didn't want to talk about it, and that he felt like he just got dumped. Ah, that's much better! Later in the hour, Bill crowns Barbosa and Jason Terry the worst defensive guards in the league and rubs it in by saying that even he could score against them. Can someone set that up?

Enough basketball: the Super Bowl is finally here. It's here! Bill's down south with Cousin Sal and Rembert Browne to cover all the happenings. Part one of this podcast is a solid 40 minutes of chatter, but be warned that there is a remarkable amount of background noise. Not good for headphones. There's beeping, muffled megaphone talking, and a low-flying plane. Aside from that, there's loads of laughs. First, BIll has food poisoning. He ate a lobster that had a lot of poop inside. Second, Sal is for once in the same place as Bill and so his voice is his in-person voice, and not his over-the-phone voice. And, boy, is it weird! I kept forgetting who I was listening to. Next Rembert says he was named after his dad's doctor, and he doesn't like being called Bert. Bill thinks the name "Sal" will make a comeback in 2013 for baby names. Seems unlikely to me.

In part two, special guest Tracy Morgan says stuff Tracy Morgan says like "Buford," "ut oh," and "I'm the only man on the planet who booed Michael Jackson." Sports Guy Moment of the week is this entire podcast. You are an idiot if you don't listen to this.

Still reading, idiot?