Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we're covering DVR prioritization, escaping from prison, blackout conspiracy theories, and more.
Before we get into this week's Funbag, a quick announcement: The last Jamboroo of the season posts on Thursday. So starting next week, there will be TWO Funbags a week. There will be the usual Tuesday Funbag. And then, every Thursday, there will be a LIVE Funbag. We'll do this all the way through to the beginning of the 2013 NFL season. Got that? Regular Funbag on Tuesday, Live Kinja Funbag on Thursday. Adjust your lives accordingly.
What would happen if 10 minutes before the start of halftime Beyonce developed a massive case of the runs and couldn't perform? Or if a future performer drops dead of a heart attack a few minutes before his performance? Would the rest of the band continue to play? Would they cancel the game? Or would we get 30 minutes of Shannon Sharpe attempting to speak coherently?
Given the sweat she worked up on stage, I think Beyonce still would have performed the halftime show even if she had come down with a nasty case of mud butt. You gotta play hurt sometimes. There was no way that lady was missing out on her chance to make your girlfriend weep in feminist solidarity. I was watching that halftime show with Sarah Kogod of the DC Sports Bog and when Beyonce came on, you would have thought Jesus arrived carrying a complimentary six-pack.
Death is another issue. In a way, dying right before the performance would be a relatively easy fix for the NFL. They could simply announce the halftime show is canceled, cut to CBS doing an extended, awful halftime show, and go from there. The bigger issue would be if Beyonce died DURING the performance. After all, the power went out that night. What if it had gone out while she was executing a dangerous slide and she fell to her death? It's hard to hide that shit. They would have to cut the sound and then everyone at the stadium would think that terrorists were trying to kill Beyonce. Women would scream. Children would cry. Grown men would have to stop masturbating. MASS CHAOS. Then the NFL would get the game restarted as quickly as possible (no way they cancel the game, even if Beyonce took a ninja star to the forehead while she was up there) and deal with the nation's collective grief after the game is over. Poor Bey. SHE WAS SO STRONG FOR US ALL.
During the show, the other two girls in Destiny's Child shot up from under the stage, "Lay Your Hands On Me"-style. They totally would have had their shit ruined if the power had gone out right then. Like being crushed in an elevator shaft. If that had happened, I bet Beyonce wouldn't have batted an eyelash. She woulda just stepped over Destiny's Child B and C to execute a perfect shimmy.
How awkward do you think the next Harbaugh family dinner will be? I'm sure at first everyone will be nice and cordial towards each other but at some point the game has to come up. Who do you think will bring it up first? Jim, John, good ole Dad? Will the end result be Jim walking around the dining room perpetually jerking his arm up and down yelling, "HE WAS HOLDING!!! HE WAS HOLDING!!!"
I think ALL Harbaugh family dinners are awkward. Jim Harbaugh is such an obsessive control freak that he probably commandeers the stove from his mom and tells her to get the fuck out so he can make a proper gravy. These are not mirthful people. One day, Jim Harbaugh will fling off his headset and it will decapitate a child, and then Jim Harbaugh will blame the child's death on the refs. It's gonna be awesome.
Seriously though, I find Jim Harbaugh fascinating. There's no way he lasts another decade, right? He's just gonna drop dead of eight simultaneous heart attacks. Even Urban Meyer is like, "Whoa hey, settle down there, amigo."
By the way, one of the lowlights of CBS' performance on Sunday night was when they showed John Harbaugh cursing the shit out of a stadium official and then James Brown said, without irony, that John Harbaugh is usually the calm Harbaugh brother. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A CALM HARBAUGH. They're all fucking lunatics.
We've seen our first actor president with Ronald Reagan, but when will we see our first sports star president? And what sport would they come from? Eisenhower played football for West Point but never played past that. And while Jack Kemp made a run for president, the closest he got was becoming Bob Dole's running mate.
I think that we'll probably see a celebrity become President sometime within the next three or four decades. Celebs like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jesse Ventura, and Al Franken run for office plenty. It's only logical that some famous actor or football player would try to take the next step. A celebrity already has brand-name recognition, which makes organizing a campaign for him that much easier (NOTE: You gotta be a real celebrity though. Fred Thompson doesn't count for shit). You don't have to worry about name awareness at all. And you don't have to worry about media coverage because the media would go batshit if George Clooney or Ben Affleck (both of whom cream their jeans any time people tell them they should run for office) ran for President.
This is why some people want Ashley Judd to run for Senate. Who cares whether or not she's qualified? It's possible that Ashley Judd can't even do multiplication tables.
Remember last year when those pictures of the sniper nests in Indy hit the web? Those guys must have been losing their shit when the lights went out, right?
Here are the pictures in question, if you need your memory refreshed. I assume the New Orleans snipers had kickass night vision goggles so that they could scan the crowd for potential threats. But yeah, a sudden power outage in the middle of the Super Bowl on a fine weather day? I would have been scanning the stadium floor for Manson family members as well.
I was amazed at how many people were allowed onto the field during the delay. There were THOUSANDS of people down there. Who's to say Carlos the Jackal wasn't among them? One flick of the switch and that field suddenly became Grand Central Station. It was something of a miracle that nothing crazy happened during that stretch. I figured at least one naked person would run up to Terrell Suggs and start dry-humping him. YOU LET ME DOWN, NEW ORLEANS. And here I thought you people were so spontaneous.
Am I the only one that feels superhuman when I flash my Costco badge as I go into the store? There's just something about saving $0.03 per egg (b/c I bought a case of 60 of them) that leaves me high on life at least for the next 2 hours.
There's a Costco about 15 miles from my house and I never joined because it's jussssst far away enough for me to know I'll never want to trudge out there (people who live right next to Costco and/or a Wegman's SUCK). And yet, I feel like I've clearly missed out on something significant in life. I think of all the money I've wasted by NOT going to Costco. Thousands? MILLIONS? I've bought formula and diapers at Target for seven years now. Would I have been able to retire by now if I had just bothered to plunk down $50 for a Costco card? Would I be dining on $5 tins of Iranian caviar every night? How fucking dumb am I to scoff at the idea of paying $50 upfront for that card when I KNOW the savings more than balance out the cost? I must be the stupidest asshole alive.
One time I went to a Costco with a friend using their card. I felt like such a freeloader. You feel like an idiot walking around that place as a non-member. HI EVERYONE! I'M THE GUY WHO HATES SAVING MONEY.
Watching the Super Bowl this past weekend, it occurred to me that the power outage could only be caused by one person, the Ginger Hammer. Who stood to benefit the most from a massive screw up in New Orleans? The Super Bowl will now be played in New Orleans exactly zero times in the rest of the Hammer's reign. New Orleans and all the smack talk about Bountygate has now been slapped silly by the night the lights went out in front of the entire USA. What a brilliant maneuver. It sends shivers up my spine.
DIABOLICAL. I put nothing past that man. Oh sure, he may SOUND like a brainless corporate drone, but underneath that plain ginger exterior lies a fiendish capacity for EVIL. It was all one big conspiracy, I tell you! I am now a blackout truther.
What would it take to start a new Civil War in America? It's safe to assume no matter the cause, it'd be North vs. South again, right?
Wayne LaPierre shooting the President. I think that would maybe do the trick. History shows that there's no such thing as stability and that, one day down the road, the United States as you know it will cease to exist. Probably long after you and I are dead, but still. There will always be something that comes up that you didn't account for: a water shortage, a domestic terrorist unleashing a dirty bomb, a rigged SportsNation poll... there's no telling what could cause the conflict. But there WILL be a time when the US breaks apart, either due to war or due to some sort of unknowable cultural evolution.
I think it would be a North vs. South conflict in spirit, but not in practice. There are too many rednecks up North and too many progressive types in the South now for it to be so cut and dried. A second Civil War would be a disorganized guerilla war, with riots in cities and militiamen holed up in rural compounds, throwing Molotov cocktails at Federal agents every two hours or so. There would be pockets of rebels committing acts of terrorism in virtually every state, with the government attempting desperately to quash every last one of them, only to have new rebel strongholds emerge in new places. Then you got China arming the rebels so that the US remains in a permanent domestic War on Terror that cripples its economy and allows THE GREAT RED DRAGON to take over the world. It could happen tomorrow, I tell you!
But take heart. Frankly, we should have had a second Civil War ages ago. I mean, look at us. We barely have anything in common. If Mississippi left the Union tomorrow, would you REALLY care? They don't even have any decent football teams. I'm not fighting to preserve a Mississippified union. I would just shrug and make a few jokes about it on Twitter. I think most of us now are far too lazy and self-centered to really invest that much in a cause. This is a good thing, frankly. All our pointless diversions serve to pacify us, which in turn limits conflict. The reason people fight all the time in Afghanistan is because there's nothing to fucking do there.
Imagine if the crazy secessionists in Texas get their way and Texas secedes from the Union. What do we do then with the Cowboys, the Texans, the Rangers, et. al? Do we have to kick them out of our professional sports leagues? Or do we create a special conference just for teams in the rebellious Texas nation?
See, this is why there won't be a Civil War anytime soon. No one wants to deal with this shit. Bad enough that we have a couple of sports teams in Canada.
Would we all stop eating meat if animals could literally talk? (Coherent sentences and thoughts) Would we all become vegans? Would a hierachy develop, like,
"pigs are stuck up pricks so lets eat them"? Or would we all just continue to operate like we do now?
I don't know that it would change much initially. Remember: most people never meet the animals they end up consuming. I have no idea which cow I'm eating. Frankly, I'm lucky if it's really cow and not assorted camel parts. So it's not like I'd have six talking cows in my backyard, all begging for mercy when I whip the shotgun out. Animals already make plenty of noise anyway, and it doesn't seem to deter us. A cow that cries out in pain right before having its throat slashed isn't THAT different from Mister Ed doing likewise.
Besides, people who REALLY love meat (like me!) will find any way to justify their habit, just as I routinely bullshit myself about my overeating, my drinking, my abominable behavior on the Internet, etc. I would probably keep eating bacon until I saw enough footage of talking pigs being put down (Wilbur!) that I finally decided to stop. That moment of clarity would happen 30 years later.
But don't think that would keep the execs at BIG MEAT from continuing the wholesale slaughter of animals. Who's to say that KFC wouldn't genetically engineer a chicken born without a tongue? You'd eat a mute chicken, wouldn't you? It's not one of those charming chickens that will end manning the SNL Weekend Update desk after Seth Meyers leaves to ruin movies. This would be an old-fashioned, dumbass silent chicken. Trust me: you'd find a way to justify eating the mute chicken. You would invent some kind of pretzel logic that allowed you to enjoy mutant KFC, much the same way you already do. We already see animals talk in movies and on TV. I watch "Olivia" with my kid all the time. Does that give me pause when eating half a pound of bacon? FUCK AND NO. You're cute, Olivia, but you ain't that cute.
Are you surprised that no college or pro team has told all their fans sitting behind the goalpost to wear the color yellow, so the uprights blend in with everyone else? Would this even work?
That wouldn't work. Except on David Akers. HEY-O!!!!!
What age is feeding a baby/child/toddler most difficult? Feeding a newborn was rough in terms of frequency, but newborns just sit there and drink. Around 5 months you start the Gerber food, and for a few months you just shovel that stuff in by the spoon full (it's quick too). Our daughter is now 11 months, we're starting to feed her table food. Not only is it a fucking mess, it takes about 4 times longer to feed her. Is it going to get worse or better from here on out?
Worse. The sweet spot for feeding a kid is right around six to eight months, when they take a lot of formula and they take it quickly, but night feedings are long past. That's when shit is easy. After that, you start with the baby food, which is mess because the baby just lets it all drool out of his mouth and right into the crack between his bib and his shirt. I try to make the bib tight enough to choke the baby but he'll still find a way to get a gallon of liquid apricot down his onesie. And once they get a taste for solid food, sometimes they don't want the bottle. Sometimes I'll try to feed the kid to calm him down and he'll bat the bottle away and I'll be left utterly helpless. THE FUCK DO I DO NOW?! Looks like a shot of brandy for you!
My son is 10 months old now and he's starting to grab the spoon as well when eating solids, which is real bitch. Not only do I have to get the food into his mouth without spilling it, but I have to navigate this gauntlet of flailing hands along the way. Sometimes I fail and the baby will grab an entire handful of yogurt, which is the WORST. Just one big yogurt bukkake all over the place. And crackers and cookies are worse because the baby will mash them up in his mouth and spit all back out everywhere.
Of course, the baby still means well. It can't help make a mess because it's a baby. It's a lot more irritating to watch a four-year-old throw his goddamn breakfast on the floor because he doesn't like it. HOW DARE YOU? HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE EGGS? THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? The amount of food my two older kids waste is just... it's so awful. Someone told me that they start eating like normal human beings at age 11. ELEVEN. Eleven goddamn years before these fuckers will actually eat a ham sandwich. Fucking kill me.
In December, two inmates escaped from a downtown Chicago prison by repelling down 15 stories with a rope made from bed sheets (straight from a movie, I know). This got me thinking, what would be your first moves if you were one of the escapees? For the sake of this question, let's say you escape without being spotted at 4 AM, are wearing an orange jumpsuit and have no cash or valuables on you. You have to immediately find or steal a change of clothes, right? Do you then attempt to contact a friend or family member for assistance or is that too obvious? What do you do for food? Do you attempt go stowaway on the next Greyhound to Mexico? SO many decisions!
First of all, I had no idea you could actually escape from prison using the bedsheet rope trick. A high-rise prison, no less! FUTURE PRISON. That's astonishing. Both men were eventually caught, of course. But the judge tossed out escape charges against one of them because he was already gonna go eighty years. I think that's real cool of the judge. You deserve to have the charges wiped away if you can pull that shit off.
Anyway, I have to think your priorities are as follows:
- Altering your appearance, including your clothing and possibly your facial hair if you have it. (I've watched The Fugitive enough times to know you gotta shave the prison beard, even though growing a prison beard is a great look.)
- Getting as far away from the prison as possible as quickly as possible.
- Finding a safe place to hide.
- Finding someone who might be willing to help. Your family and friends are a no good because the cops have their eyes on them. What about that down-on-her-luck waitress played by Halle Berry? She might just be crazy enough to take a chance on you.
- Figuring out a master plan. MEXICO. Always Mexico.
- Figuring out money/transportation.
- Getting that down on her luck waitress to quit her job once and for all and come with you. In the movies, any time a man says "Come away with me" to a woman, she always agrees and then they NEVER end up getting all the way away.
- Mexican plastic surgery.
- Finding work as a tourist-area busboy.
- Working your way all the way up to manager. Scrape together enough money to buy your own franchise.
- Acquire more franchises and become RICH, rich beyond your wildest dreams. Become so ensconced in your new life that you barely remember your fugitive past. Oh, but one dogged Chicago gumshoe still does. He saw you on TV and he ain't letting that shit go.
- Acapulco cocaine firefight.
That's the dream. Of course, I would be apprehended five seconds after escaping. Because honestly, where do you find clothes? You can't just walk into a Marshall Fields and steal a pack of underwear. And you can't knock a pedestrian unconscious and strip them naked. That only works in Leslie Nielsen movies. You'd have to steal them from a homeless guy, or sift through a dumpster to find a T-shirt (and maybe a decent meal while you were at it). It's an impossible task. One of the Chicago escapees ended up disguising himself "as an old man carrying a cane," which, again, is awesome. I bet that story will carry him through the next three decades of jail time, easy.
By the way, if you ever want to read the batshit craziest fugitive story ever, read this profile of George Wright for GQ. The man hijacked a fucking airplane and got away with it.
What do you think are the shows people most often record to their DVR and then never watch? I'm thinking series, not live events, since I'll often record a game but then watch it live and just delete the recording afterwards.
I have to think that procedurals are among the most recorded and least watched DVR shows, because there's no real urgency to watch the next episode of NCIS. Every episode is essentially the same, so you can just let those fuckers pile up for weeks (unless you're Gregg Easterbrook and must break down the plot holes NOW NOW NOW). If there are more topical programs in your list, you're gonna start with those first before they go bad. Same with any show that could be potentially spoiled by a bunch of fuckers on Twitter. When Mad Men premieres in April, I'm unfollowing all of you.
Lower-tier reality shows (including cooking shows) also get low priority, especially any show where people aren't eliminated on a weekly basis. Also: shows that are good for you, like 60 Minutes. I have to think that there are a lot of prestige programs that people throw on the DVR just to make themselves feel better. Then they skip that shit and head right for Duck Dynasty.
The one DVR show I have that I almost never watch is Portlandia, which I actually like. I just happen to have it as my lowest priority show. If there's NOTHING else to watch on the thing, I know that I've got a couple of Portlandia episodes set to go. It comforts me to know that, at the very worst, I'll be spending the evening watching Feminist Bookstore sketches.
Email of the week time.
This week I mistakenly received a package from Tiffany's intended for someone else. I contacted the store and was in the process of returning the package when I caught a glimpse of the personalized card. Immediately I thought to myself, "Holy shit, I'm aiding and abetting a child molester."
Should I be concerned that this is some pedophile preying on an unsuspecting child? Tiffany's seems like a stretch to buy a kid's silence. Still, I felt that it wasn't out of the realm of possibilities. Acting as a DCSF agent I googled the intended shipping address. Nothing out of the ordinary, the address turned out to be a small business of some kind. It seems most likely that it's just a regular guy buying something nice for his old lady. There is still hope that maybe he belongs to a kinky subculture. Note # 2 on Urban Dictionary. Should I just forget this ever happened?
Walk away. Nothing good can come from exploring shinies between lovers.