We at Deadspin can't bear the thought of hardworking, important, tell-it-like-it-is writers being denied the pleasure of winning major awards. That's why we were so heartbroken this morning for Fox Sports columnist and nascent dwarf planet Jason Whitlock, who took to his alma mater's daily newspaper to pour out his grief over not being eligible to win a Pulitzer. The result is a column that should ITSELF win a Pulitzer, for never has a sportswriter had the bravery and testicular fortitude to write a piece that includes the following:
- A heartbreaking form rejection letter from the Pulitzer committee, reprinted in full
- "When I showed up at the Kansas City Star in 1994, I shook the entire Midwest and eventually the country."
- Lots of references to Mike Royko
- "Last year, it's my belief, I had my best year as a columnist. It all came together. I perfected my column style. For years, I've tried to take sports headlines and transform them into lessons about American society at large. Royko's columns helped shape my view of America. In 2012, I was like Mike."
- Mr. Whitlock admitting that he willingly chose to work in a medium that isn't eligible for the Pulitzers, yet still claims his dream was "stolen"
- Mr. Whitlock subliminally congratulating himself for being enough of a rebel to endanger his chances of winning a Pulitzer. Which, again he is not eligible to win.
- The Herculean restraint to not make a Scott Templeton reference
- A list of links to 10 columns Mr. Whitlock wrote that he thought were Pulitzer-worthy
Well, the staff of Deadspin cannot sit idly by and watch this man suffer for one second longer. TO HELL WITH THE PULITZERS, MR. WHITLOCK. You don't need them. They cannot handle your truth. You've been doing the damn thang (and damning the do thang) for far too long to not get proper recognition, which is why we are introducing the Deadspin Good Writering Prize, the most prestigious award in the whole of journalism. Now, every writer who writes in longhand on yellow legal pads while staring at a framed picture of Ralph Wiley will finally get his just reward. And today, we bestow this remarkable honor—for the very first time—upon Mr. Jason Whitlock. It's a long-overdue honor for a man who has spent far too long downplaying his own importance, a man whose subtle writing style and passive nature have kept America from recognizing his otherworldly talents:
The '72 Dolphins can't touch Pussy Galore.
So true, Mr. Whitlock. So very true. And now, the '72 Dolphins cannot touch YOU. For you are, at last, a Deadspin Good Writering Prize winner. Mike Royko smiles upon you from the heavens.
Certificate by Jim Cooke.