The Grammys are usually more entertaining than the Oscars. They're shorter. People aren't afraid to dress poorly. There are fewer tradesman awards that no one gives a shit about. There are few, if any, montages. The music is better. And people don't spend months and months analyzing the choice of host (for the second straight year, it's LL Cool J hosting the ceremony, because fuck it). So hopefully, that means you'll be getting a little bit more for your live-blogging dollar this evening.
Your performances tonight include Travis Barker, Chuck D, LL Cool J, Tom Morello, and DJ Z-Trip (wait, what?); Dierks Bentley and Miranda Lambert (tardbilly music people); The Black Keys (nice!); Kelly Clarkson; Fun. (the period alone makes me hate them); Kelly Clarkson; Elton John and Ed Sheeran "performing together live for the first time" (I do not know who Ed Sheeran is); Alicia Keys and Maroon 5; Justin Timberlake; Frank Ocean; Taylor Swift (you guys!); Carrie Underwood; Jack White (although you can only listen to his performance through a Victrola, I'm told); Rihanna, Bruno Mars, and Sting (will Sting be presenting Bruno with a summons for ripping off The Police for "Locked Out of Heaven"?); and plenty more. Join me, won't you? Football's over, so it ain't like you have anything better to do. I may be running a touch late due to family issues. Those kids don't chloroform themselves, alas. Refresh the page for updates and play along down in the discussion.
7:59pm: CBS's website is currently streaming in footage of John Norris interviewing Gotye. Poor Gotye is forced to hold his own microphone. Whenever a famous person actually has to hold their own mic during an interview, they look like they've been handed a rod of pure uranium.
8:09pm: And we begin with a handicapped carny shooting fire out of what appears to be Depression-Era recumbent bike and saying... things. That all leads to Taylor Swift dressed as Tom Petty in the "Don't Come Around Here No More" video. The chorus is clearly lip-synched. But the "like, EVER"s are pure live Taylor.
8:13pm: Taylor dropped a "I'm busy opening up the Grammys" right in the middle of that assy song of hers. She looks REAL pleased with herself. No more phony humble Taylor Swift. You get the Evil Prom Queen Taylor this evening. I feel awful for the carny she dumped. I bet she dated him as a prank.
8:16pm: LL is wearing the same hat from last year. He also just called Taylor Swift "T-Swizzle". They need to make sure a famous singer dies right before the ceremony EVERY year. Really helps the telecast.
8:18pm: Here's Elton John with Random British Troubadour. I think it may be the guy who got turned down for the lead role in Once. Goddamn, British people have terrible skin. It's like I'm looking at a pair of salamanders.
8:20pm: J-Lo sees your leg and raises you a hip, Angelina.
8:21pm: Seriously, I can see a labia. It's been spray-tanned.
8:23pm: Adele is charming as ever in winning her 9,000th Grammy. Someone should have told her not to leave the house wearing a Pottery Barn chaise, though.
8:24pm: The fun. guy is wearing meggings. The wife says this band sounds like "fast Coldplay," which is damning to both parties.
8:26pm: The fun. guitarist was dressed just like Poindexter during the Nerd Rap in Revenge of the Nerds. No Booger Presley on the mean guitar, though. Fun. closes out their set being rained on, and yet Adele fails to do us all a favor and set fire to it.
8:32pm: Miranda Lambert is coming. She's the lady I always see in People magazine wearing cowboys boots at her own wedding and being like ME AND BLAKE WE JUST STAY HOME AND RASSLE ALL NIGHT CAUSE WE'RE COUNTRY.
8:33pm: John Mayer is wearing a royal blue velvet suit. He looks like the world's worst magician. Bonnie Raitt is his co-presenter. He fucked her, but he's not gonna talk about it. He learned his lesson.
8:34pm: Miranda Lambert is singing now into a pink vibrator and I swear to you, this is exactly what it would look like if Brooke Hogan had a singing career.
8:36pm: Dierks Bentley (horrible child name alert) comes out dressed like a guy in a Chevy ad. Seriously, this performance is lifeless. At least the guys in fun. actually bothered to move. Someone must have nailed Lambert to the goddamn stage.
8:39pm: LL is back, dressed like Murph from Murph & the Magictones. He's introducing Miguel and Whiz Khalifa. Whiz's outfit reminds me of Barry Pepper's money quote in 25th Hour. "Did anyone tell you that you look like an optical fucking illusion?"
8:44pm: Carrie Underwood won something. She gave praise to the Lord a lot, which means she probably stabbed two people ten years ago and is trying to make up for it. We're at the break now, which means every hip hop artist is now free to head to the shitter to fap to Miranda Lambert's thighs. That gal had just the right amount of thickness in the britches for Whiz Khalifa. I bet guys ask her to put them in leglocks a lot.
8:50pm: Faith Hill is coming out, and I barely recognize her in actual live motion. I'm used to seeing her at 4x speed so that I can get to the goddamn game already.
8:52pm: Your Song of the Year is "We Are Young." Meggings is overjoyed. Taylor Swift overclaps. ALWAYS ABOUT YOU, ISN'T IT? YOU EVIL CARNY HAG.
8:53pm: Jay-Z has a brandy snifter. Important.
8:55pm: You know, dressing like a rock star doesn't make you one, Johnny Depp. I bet he buys all his fingerscarves at the same place Russell Brand does.
8:56pm: Mumford & Sons (aka Bluegrass Dave Matthews Band) are here to strum a few banjos and provide the soundtrack to your niece's first-ever fingerblasting.
8:59pm: And there's Taylor Swift trying to sing over the head Mumford guy. She's also raising her hands way high because she wants TO STEAL YOU ALL AND FEED HER DEMON SOUL WITH YOUR HEARTS.
9:01pm Apologies for the new entries showing up at the bottom of the post instead of the top. I did that way by accident and now I'm too lazy to switch it all up. To make it up to you, I give you Natalie Portman doing sexy things in a perfume ad. Totally my idea.
9:03pm: At long last, Chi McBride is back on network TV! He'll always be the chief from Undercover Brother to me. "It's a great day for black people of all races!"
9:05pm: Brownie batter donut? I'm listening. Also, Chevron has a farmer in their ad. Lotta farmer dicksucking in the ad game these days.
9:06pm: Jay-Z takes a congratulatory high five from a colleague after Beyonce takes the stage. "I'M FUCKING HER! NICE!"
9:07pm: Justin Timberlake gets his own sepia filter for his live set. He also gets a cameo from Jay-Z. I'm not sure America's vaginas can take much more. We're gonna have to build some kind of protective cotton maxipad dyke.
9:10pm: No old timey radio microphone for JT's retro performance? You gotta have the old timey mic for this kind of thing. Otherwise I won't feel like I'm in the middle of a scene from The Aviator.
9:12pm: Kelly Rowland could eat dinner off of Nas's head.
9:13pm: Frank Ocean gets a standing O for his first Grammy win. Who the fuck stationed Kathy Griffin behind him? How did she even get a ticket? Ocean won over Chris Brown, who is in attendance tonight. I hope he beats Brown to death with his trophy and then pisses in his eye.
9:19pm: JT is in the new Bud Light Platinum ad. No farmers though. GET WITH IT, PLATINUM.
9:20pm: Dave Grohl came out with the goth chick from NCIS. No word on if she drinks Bud Goth, though I'm certain her studio contract encourages it.
9:23pm: It's Maroon 5! It's like fun., minus the rain!
9:25pm: Alicia Keys is pulling a Sheila E. by drumming standing up. All we need is for Magic Johnson to start interviewing celebrities.
9:27pm: And the SwiftCam heats up again to show Taylor LEAPING to her feet to applaud Alicia Keys. Taylor started that standing O, y'all! It's on tape!
9:30pm: Nicole Kidman is terrifying to behold. Someone sent me a link this weekend of World War I-era plastic surgery done on a man who had his jaw shot off. She looks like that. DO NOT GOOGLE WAR WORLD I PLASTIC SURGERY.
9:31pm: Kelly Clarkson takes ten years to get up to the stage. This isn't a goddamn receiving line, lady.
9:36pm: "Is TO the new BO?" Well now, that cheap shot at Terrell Owens came out of nowhere. Although, to be fair, TO is still a piece of shit.
9:37pm: HONDA HOVERBIKE FOOTAGE DON'T TEASE ME LIKE THAT YOU BASTARDS MAKE IT NOW.
9:39pm: Rihanna is here rocking mighty hair extensions. Her backdrop looks like the set of "Medea". I fully expect her to murder two children at the end of the song. Chris Brown drove her to it.
9:40pm: Who is this Mickey Echo person? He looks like a dipshit.
9:42pm: Ne-Yo, dressed like a saxophone player, presents a Grammy to Jay-Z and a bunch of other people including Frank Ocean. Jay lets the other people talk because Jay-Z clearly doesn't give a shit about any of this because he could buy the Grammys tomorrow if he wanted to. When Jay starts talking, the wrap-it-up music STOPS. That's how powerful Jay-Z is. He can cut off the cut-off music. I wonder how many men he's had killed.
9:45pm: AARP ad. CBS knows its money demographic, for certain.
9:49pm: Kat Dennings' massive breasts are here to introduce the Black Keys, who are playing with the bear man from True Grit..
9:53pm: Kelly Clarkson is singing songs by dead people. TAYLOR SWIFT SAYS THAT IS A FINE IDEA, INDEED (rubs her hands in a sinister fashion).
9:58pm: You might wonder why Taylor is wearing a white dress tonight. It's because she'll be marrying herself at the end of the show. I think this might finally be the one, you guys! Someone with a beard won a pointless country award.
10:07pm: Jay-Z still clutching that brandy snifter. It's like a prosthesis at this point.
10:08pm: Sting takes the stage with Bruno Mars. Poor move, Bruno. Sting will take your song and demand you play a slowed-down Chilean sea shanty version of it live.
10:09pm: And here comes Rihanna and her underboob tattoo onto the stage for a Bob Marley tribute. Every time they cut to Chris Brown in the audience while Rihanna's singing, a puppy dies.
10:12pm: It's always awkward to see other musicians and industry execs in the audience politely dance along to the performances. They're never ALL THE WAY into it. You're not gonna catch someone starting a mosh pit and overturning Jay-Z's brandy snifter. People would be dealt with if that ever happened.
10:14pm: I was really hoping for a P!nk-free evening, and then Target had to go and ruin it. YOU GOTTA GET UP AND TRY AND TRY AND TRY AND TRY AND TRY AND TRY AND TRY AND TRY AND TRY AND TRY AND TRY AND TRY AND TRY...
10:18pm: LL Cool J: "You know what the best thing about tonight is? The introductions to our performances can be performances!" That's not a selling point, man. People have lives to lead, you know.
10:20pm: Holy shit, the Lumineers look like a Michael Stipe wardrobe retrospective.
10:22pm: And here's famed albino Jack White making everyone lay weird instruments and forcing his entire band to play within two inches of the piano to achieve the exact kind of 1952 Sun Records rockabilly sound he's going for. This is why I listen to the Black Keys.
10:24pm: Okay, the man does know his way around a guitar. He leaves the stage a smoldering ruin after KILLCRUSHING his set. Still, I wanna know why he bleaches his skin.
10:27pm: Katy Perry's cleavage is devastating. All dresses should have that big cleavage hole. It works wonders.
10:28pm: And fun. wins another award. OH HEY THERE'S LENA DUNHAM! Thank God she's finally getting some exposure. I feel like she's really been under the radar lately. Her tattoo looks like a spilled Slush Puppy.
10:34pm: Hunter Hayes is performing. I have no idea. He looks like a failed "The Voice" contestant. There's shit written all over his piano. He's here to introduce Christian puck bunnybot Carrie Underwood.
10:37pm: I think the lighting crew just drew ovaries on Carrie's dress.
10:38pm And now Carrie's entire lower body is a screen. There are rose petals falling from her vagina. I AM CONCERNED FOR HER.
10:39pm: AND NOW THERE ARE BUTTERFLIES COMING OUT OF IT. SHIELD YOURSELF FROM CARRIE'S CURSED VULVA CAVE!
10:41pm Prince is here! Someone get that man a brandy snifter.
10:42pm: Prince is dressed in an avant garde hoodie, like he's about to go train to box a mime. He gives Gotye the Record of the Year Grammy in the most "No fucks left to give" voice humanly possible. Clearly, it's between him and Jay-Z for the "you're lucky I bothered to show up" title.
10:43pm: And Gotye is compelled to spend his entire acceptance speech groveling before Prince. He should just hand Prince the trophy and take a cane to the backside.
10:44pm: Taylor Swift gives Gotye her best, "Awww, so nice to see a nerd finally get a pity trophy" look. Later on, she will rake her nails across his face and laugh for days.
10:48pm: I'm still terrified for Carrie Underwood's reproductive organs. She could end up giving birth to a dragon one day.
10:52pm: JT and Ryan Seacrest are here to salute music teachers. All six of them. Appreciate them now before they're forced to accept a shitty retirement package from the county due to yet another round of school budget cuts.
10:54pm: Time for the montage of dead musicians. No applause-o-meter, which means Donna Summer won't get the official win.
10:56pm: No, wait! There IS audible applause. And
MCA just broke it. Even Levon Helm can't overcome him in the anchor slot. Only your weird uncle likes The Band.
10:59pm: Now Zac Brown is playing "The Weight" in front of what appears to be that "God made a farmer" ad from the Super Bowl. Told you farmers were hot. Before the song, Elton John also came on and briefly mentioned Newtown. This is a lot to process all in one sitting.
11:00pm: Mumford & Sons also take the stage, along with T-Bone Burnett, who looks like James Cameron if James Cameron were dead. This is Mumford's second time on stage tonight. I have to think that Taylor Swift is eye-murdering them and Rihanna right now for getting extra performance spots. She ain't taking that shit lying down.
11:03pm: If they're gonna spend this much time paying tribute to Levon Helm, does that mean Jack White will come back on stage to play "Sabotage"? I would watch that.
11:07pm Turns out "Rules of Engagement" was NOT cancelled ten years ago.
11:12pm: And here's Frank Ocean to make the Internet happy. His lower body has ALSO been turned into a projection screen. Let's hope that butterflies don't come streaming out of his ballsack.
11:16pm: Adele is here to give the Album of the Year Grammy to Mumford & Sons. AND HEAD MUMFORD GUY OWES A QUARTER TO THE CBS SWEAR JAR.
11:20pm: No one's been forced to play in the parking lot yet like Foo Fighters had to last year, but I'm betting this thing involving the Blink-182 guy coming up is as sure a bet for it as anything.
11:22pm: If you're concerned about running time, please note that if this were the Oscars, we'd still have nine awards left to go right now, including Best Animated Short.
11:25pm: I was wrong. Apparently, LL Cool J is gonna get to close out the show. Watch as they cram a twelve-song medley into a frantic final three minutes!
11:27pm: Did you know Tom Morello went to Harvard? He's the Ryan Fitzpatrick of hard rock.
11:28pm: And that's it. LL and Chuck D got cut off by, like, a Delta ad. Way to go out in a blaze of glory, Grammys. Have a good night everyone.