Let's start with the opening paragraph of the National Enquirer's "WORLD EXCLUSIVE" report:
AFTER nearly five years behind bars, O.J. SIMPSON's bizarre behavior has some of his close friends worried that the former football great has gone gay!
God bless the Enquirer.
This very well may not be true but the world is a happier place if we all collectively choose to believe it, believe it as hard as we possibly can. According to the report, O.J. was really into the Super Bowl:
"He couldn't stop talking about Baltimore Ravens receiver Anquan Boldin," noted the source. He said, ‘Anquan is my man! What a great looking guy!'
OK, what else?
"He's like a God to the other inmates," said the insider. "He prances around flexing his muscles, wearing only a pair of gym shorts.
Yup, this is getting better.
Perhaps the biggest tip-off that O.J. may now be playing for the other side is his choice of prison companions, according to the source. He says the former ladies' man hangs out with a group of openly homosexual men known as "The Girls."
"WHENEVER HE'S LET out into the prison yard, he stays with them," revealed the insider. "He says, ‘The Girls treat me like I was a king!'
"He claims they flirt with him and even give him massages. Some even call him ‘DJ' – short for ‘Daddy Juice.' "
Daddy Juice. The story ends with a sort of sympathetic note about how everyone turns gay in prison so it's cool if it's true and also how OJ had a thing for a drag queen once. So, yes, let's just lap it all right up because it's Tuesday and we need a boost and this is all too great.