Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: the since-removed "Crazy drunk redneck street fight with brass knuckles knockout" and "Redneck lady thrown in Dumpster." Tonight's commentator: occasional Deadspin contributor Rodney Anonymous of the Dead Milkmen. (Coming next week: Lax bruhs wear helmets to the field of "battle.")
In much the same manner that feudal Japan's rigid social hierarchy gave rise to that land's elite warriors, The Samurai, thirty-plus years of "trickle-down economics" has allowed America's own fighting caste, The Redneck, to thrive and multiple unchecked by their natural enemies: universities, scientists, and your local PBS affiliate.
And while our nation can boast of having the finest professional fighting force the world has seen ever since the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling was canceled back in the 90s, even the most dedicated Green Beret or Navy Seal has to take their uniform off at some point. Whereas being a Redneck is a 24/7/364 (they get Charlie Daniels' birthday off) gig.
With that in mind, gentle reader, let us bask in the glory of not one, but TWO, examples of Lady Liberty's red-headed stepchildren taking the "comb" out of "combat."
Our first foray into the world of chewing tobacco, tractor pulls, and hog-rape is the curiously titled "Don't Drink & Fight Part 1." As the video unfolds, a brass-knuckle sporting member of the Lollipop Guild mumbles something that makes the lyrics to "Louie Louie" look like Henry V's St. Crispin's Day speech by comparison, while, to the right, we see the words "He's Drunk As Fuck? You Aren't?" No. As a matter of fact, we're perfectly sober; but this is only because we have to get up early tomorrow and go to our big-people jobs. Also, we've found that the "Drunk As Fuck?" often have great difficulty in selecting the proper "power tie" for those important meetings.
Do not be hypnotized by the action (or lack thereof) in the foreground, because it's off in the distance where the story is actually unfolding. Keep your eye on the shirtless gentleman in the jeans, henceforth known as "Chippendales Dancer Number One"; he's the real star of the Comedy of Extra Chromosomes.
Thanks to the miracle of bad editing, we watch in amazement as the shirtless man in the Little Lord Fauntleroy pants, "Chippendales Dancer Number Two," is magically transported against a garage door. And to think, these are the people who want to ban Harry Potter books. Chippendales Dancer Number One then manages to shove and topple the video's two other main protagonists, thereby commenting multiple acts of pushing dope.
The Greek chorus suddenly informs us that "SHIT BOUT 2 GO DOWN" without taking the courtesy of prefacing that statement with "SPOILER ALERT."
Accusations of "Agging it on" are hurled about like cans of Bud Light at a Toby Keith concert. Another mysterious edit adds to the Rashomon (emphasis on "rash") feel of the footage as we suddenly find ourselves confronted by the image of the Mayor of Munchkinville and Chippendales Dancer Number Two on the ground and locked in each other's arms. In a futile attempt to dispel the homoerotic qualities of the scene, the words "Just Huggin, Nooo Wait For It" appear. Riveted by the Wagnerian nature of the drama, we promise to wait for as long as it takes.
Tragically, our patience is rewarded with yet another spoiler: "After This He Gets KO'D." The Bond villain behind these cryptic and semi-literate messages is almost certainly the same person who tweeted about Lady Sybil's death on Downton Abbey two hours before that episode aired.
The combatants are then restrained, and the męlée halted. And Teddy Roosevelt is quoted saying goodnight to his children: "Go To Sleep! BULLY."
But then, well, it's "Once more into the breach!" We end the video with the hope that the "Fly-Over States" will never become the "Land-the-Plane-Here-so-We-Can-Use-That-Gas-Station's-Restroom states."
The next time you're craving a Brandy Alexander, and XIX at the Bellevue is closed, you'd be better off making your own libations out of and Glade and Formula 409 before ever even considering drinking in this place, as it appears that stray dog also doubles as the bartender.
By now, unless you're Stevie Wonder, you've noticed the woman with the whip. That's right, like the setup for a joke at an S&M comedy club, a woman with a whip walks into a bar … and Indiana Joan she is definitely not. In what might possibly be the GREATEST VISUAL METAPHOR OF THIS OR ANY ERA, she is scooped up and deposited in a dumpster.
Before she can say "Oh, that's where I left my IUD", she reemerges and fails, once again, to hit a target that's less than a yard way, as a local Meals-on-Wheels volunteer looks on, and somewhere, in a remote corner the FBI's headquarters, the statistics for goober-on-goober crime are quietly incremented.
And now the rest of the Tuesday Night Fights:
• Let's start this week's cavalcade off with an homage to Tyson/Spinks, shall we? (Start of violence, 0:03)
• Pure resilience. Don't EVER count Blue out. (SoV, 0:04)
• Pretty, oh so pretty, at the bus stop, in pink, wailing on an outmatched foe. (SoV, 0:08)
• Your "Vomit Comet" Fight Live Look-In:
• Intent on determining whether these gentlemen in yellow were Le Sanitation de Paris, I google translated the summary of this fracas. It did not answer my question. Rather, it said, "Morsay the bulk of net pd takes wanked by a eboueur the city of paris." Make of that what you will. (SoV, 0:27)
• Welcome to Skee County, Fla., yo. (SoV, instantly)
• From the oldies but goodies file, Anthony shared some rough-housing in Chicago's Wicker Park this summer that he felt like sharing with a wider audience. He captioned said video, "Fight til your butt wants its pants back." (SoV, instantly)
• You're A Hoser, No You're A Hoser Street Brawl Intermezzo:
• Just days before Valentine's love was exchanged, shit got real outside a beauty supply store in Sacramento. The passerby, she's what holds the room together. Check it at 46 seconds. (SoV, instantly)
• Those who were lucky enough to have caught a few minutes of the "ociepe street fight" seemed to really have enjoyed themselves. (SoV, instantly.)
• This is a trailer-park fight in which one witness decries the lack of musical accompaniment while another urges a lady combatant to "teabag" another female combatant. (SoV, 0:21)
• Adam S.'s "Funny Hotel Lobby Fight, Drunk Guy Fights For His Life!" TNF-Viewer Submission:
• This here brawl at Albany High School comes complete with a warning that utes under the age of 13 should not watch without parent/guardian supervision. So, if you're under 13, go getcha pappy or mammy before you click this one. (SoV, 0:12)
• The kids get off the bus, throw punch and punch, punch and punch, punch and punch. (SoV, 0:29)
• And I quote: "'I know it's a pride thing between Muslims and black people,' student Symone Glasker said. 'They want their pride back for something. I don't know.'" Symone Glasker everyone. (SoV, from a distance, throughout)
• Disco Stu's "Archbishop Ryan (Philly) Class of '15 Cafeteria Brawl" TNF-Viewer Submission:
• In your all-too-regular battle scorecard from the 215 (and beyond), we have "Can You Name This Philadelphia High School Which Resembles Thunderdome?" (SoV, instantly). Bonus Coverage: "North philly fight 2013" which features a lass from an archdiocese academy of some sort (SoV, 0:28). Bonus Coverage II: Jaz went ahead and done fucked Barbara up, yo (SoV, instantly).
• TNF's Beijing Correspondent Anthony Tao provides a "Year In Fights: Blogger Throwdown At Chaoyang Park, Sanlitun Madness, Rapist…" collection. (SoV, varies vid-to-vid)
• Someone seems to have taken to uploading videos of bikini brawls these past few weeks. Who are we to question why? (SoV, instantly)
• The Scantily Clad Hair-Drag Heard Round the Fight-Watchin' Internet Recap:
• You just got face-slapped, bruh. (SoV, 0:03)
• From Perth, Australia comes this "Irish fight in drunken brawl" footage. (SoV, instantly)
• Others: "Crazy Ass highschool fight at Wolfchase mall." "Big woodys bar fight allentown." "Brawl breaks out after Club!!" "two mexican guys fight." "Rush Hour Feud - Altercation in Street." "High School Girl Fight Brawl In Bathroom 2013." "Skating Rink Brawl." "12 Year Old School Girl Gets Beat Down By 2 Ignorant Grown Women "Kick That N In The Head." "Fight between bus drivers."School Girl Fight! DAYUM." "Girl Gets Patched By Friend & Her Pregnant Sister After Catching The Chick Smashing In Her Bed!" "Girl starts fight and then gets her ass handed to her on a silver plate."
• The Ladies (aka "Girl" and "Mistress") Brawl In Front Of Screaming Child Coda: