It's finally here! Oscar Night! Speeches! Safe wardrobe choices! Four million references to "old Hollywood glamour"! Diet Pepsi commercials! Tap dance montages! THE WHOLE SHEBANG. I can't wait. I hope you've had as much Chardonnay as I've had, because I am feeling BITCHAY.
If you need a proper introduction to the evening, please consult Friday's hater's guide. Your host tonight is Seth McFarlane, because ... wait, why is he hosting? Aren't Conan O'Brien and Jimmy Kimmel available and close by? Bizarre. Your Best Picture nominees are: