Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: "Lax Locker Boxing." Tonight's commentator: Deadspin bro Dom Cosentino. (Coming next week: TBA.)
K, bruh. We got our gloves and our helmets on, which is totally badass. We can, like, hit each other as hard as we fuckin' WANT, bro. It's gonna be so rad, bro. And check this, check this. We can film that shit on our phones and put that shit on YouTube, bro. It'll be, like, our own fuckin' fight club, bro.
Watch, now. Ready, bro? First round, no chillaxin. I mean, Wellington and Colby go right at it, bro. They both get in a couple of gnarly whacks after they get hold of one another's jerseys, and before long Wellington gets the best of Colby at the end of the round.
Colby lands a fucking great shot pretty early on in round two, but—SHIT. I think I'm losing battery on my phone and I left the charger in my mom's Range Rover 'cause I was so running late this morning. Colby wins this round, but—yo bro!—check out that wicked right Wellington lands in round three. Good thing someone stepped in to stop that shit because it would, like, totally suck if one of these dudes really got hurt, you know, bro? Yeah bro. Bro.
Next up arre Roland and Nils. I mean, Nils, makes a pretty sweet grab for Roland's helmet, but there weren't any real solid punches landed, you know, bro?
Last but not least are Parrish and Beckett. I think Beckett lands a fuckin' good shot there, since it looks like Parrish went down, but it might have been one of those phantom jobs, you know, bro? Before long, Beckett just kinda toys with Parrish, making him miss and just duckin' and shit. That's how lax bros, throw down, you know, bro?
And now the rest of the Tuesday Night Fights:
• Shit got real outside the Bull and Buddha Restaurant and Orient Nightclub in Poughkeepsie the other night, apparently. Namaste, y'all. Namaste. (Start of Violence, 0:08)
• BRO MIGHTA GOT HIT IN THE DOME WITH A FORTY BOTTLE YO. (SoV, instantly)
• When Turkish practical-joke gag shows go wrong. (SoV, 0:13)
• Ayo, Tyia Symone a badass, yo. (SoV, instantly)
• The Sweet Lord Almighty This Really Is "BeastModeCity" Intermission (H/T @Sponsoredbyv8 and another tipster who shall remain nameless at his/her request):
• Roomy, angry third-world visions of femininity in tight purple: they're just like us. (SoV, 0:09)
• The sin of this fight video is that on account of said postgame basketbrawl, suspensions meted out against Indian Hills players meant the team would play shorthanded in their next game. Woe. What way in that to decide the community-college division title? (SoV, instantly)
• Phil1180 took such offense to this battle between Colby and Alex that he commented, "Your a fucking pussy ass bitch bullying someone half your size than you thinking your tough." Phil1180 is morality's beacon in a no-dodgeball, participation-trophy age. (SoV, instantly)
• This is the Brittney beatdown. Don't bother chiming in unless you know the rules, bitches. (SoV, 0:11)
• Your Cobblestones and Exposed Breastuses Live Look-In:
• Per YouTuber 1rvc1, "i missed the worst part of the fight which was the end when the girl tries to kick the other and loses her footing and bashes her head on the ground, you can hear the sound though." Thank God for that, camera-fuckin' homie. (SoV, hard to tell)
• Bottle brawlin' in Nicaragua! (SoV, 0:12)
• Brotastic parking-lot extravaganza something something something Kent Races. (SoV, 0:18)
• If but not for the school security guard, this here Leak St. fight might could've resulted in a Jersey curb sandwich. (SoV, 0:02)
• The "D-niggerdick Vs. Assqueef" Post-Fight Recap:
• In your weekly update from the 215 area code, Philly suburbanite Bam Margera posts video of a fracas in Bali (SoV, instantly). Bonus Coverage: "ASIAN AND LITTLE BLACK KID RUMBLE IN PHILLY - REAL FIGHT, FUNNY AS SHIT" (SoV, instantly). Bonus Coverage II: "Let's Watch Yet-Another Ratchet Fight in Old City" (SoV, instantly). Bonus Coverage III: A North Philly fight in which one participant wears a 'Merican shirt, so that's the one for whom we should root (SoV, 0:10).
• TNF Beijing Correspondent Anthony Tao invites you to "Watch A Cop Almost Do Something About This Fight." (SoV, instantly)
• Shavis vs. White Boy. Who ya got? (SoV, 0:02)
• Oh, just another pedestrian vs. driver street fight in Mother Russia. (SoV, 0:23)
• Your Miss America Returns to Atlantic City Sneak Preview (minus Atlantic City or Miss America, so it's kind of just ladies brawling in a back yard):
• So here's a fight involving a stabbing. (SoV, instantly)
• This is what happens when fights spill out of Langtons Pub in Kilkenny, Ireland. (SoV, 0:22)
• Others: "K.O." "REAL FIGHT ; Colorado street fight knockout 2013!" "Gang Fight Caught On Security Camera." "girl fight!" "The fight in the underground." "pants dropped but continued to fight :)" "2 girls fight in a burger bar." "paynes park beatdown." "bloods vs surenos scrap knocked out by blood." "RUSSIA KID FUCKS UP A BLACK MAN!_MUST WATCH."
• Your "EXTREM" Street-Assault Defense Recommendations #OneToGrowOn Coda: