This Ridiculous Érik Lamela Goal Will Make You Feel Things

OK. Forget the stakes for a second. Forget that these are two bored teams playing in a second-tier tournament. Forget that Érik Lamela has gone his whole career without developing anything resembling a right foot, and still probably makes more money in a week than you do in a year. Is this the sexiest Rabona goal… » 10/23/14 4:14pm 25 minutes ago

The Hater’s Guide To Your Local Halloween Store

Every year, when October rolls around, some enterprising fellow in my area rents out an abandoned Dollar Tree and turns it into a pop-up Halloween Megastore, resplendent with costumes and decorations and fitting rooms that almost certainly now house the Ebola virus. Almost everything in these stores costs $30 or… » 10/23/14 3:04pm Today 3:04pm

Kevin Kolb Is Still Messed Up From Concussions

Former NFL quarterback Kevin Kolb gives The MMQB an as-told-to today, and it's weird to think of him as a "former" anything already. But a series of concussions ended his career and righteously fucked with his body and his brain, and it sounds like a good thing he called it quits when he did. » 10/23/14 2:54pm Today 2:54pm

The Best Rechargeable Batteries

Unsurprisingly, Eneloops dominated the best rechargeable battery voting, taking almost 80% of the vote as of this writing. The Eneloop line has an incredible reputation, and garnered huge numbers of positive anecdotes from our readers. In addition to the winning AAs, Eneloop offers AAAs, chargers, and C and D spacers. » 10/23/14 2:45pm Today 2:45pm

What In The Damn Hell, Paula Deen

Above, via Eater, is a recent advertisement for Paula Deen's Lady & Sons restaurant. It features a black employee of Deen's restaurant, whose job, in our estimation, is to pretend to be a slave. This is her job because Paula Deen wants to sell food to people who will take pleasure from playacting the fantasy that… » 10/23/14 2:35pm Today 2:35pm

Great Divide Oatmeal Yeti Is A Neat, Sweet Beast Indeed

Big, boozy stouts tend to be expensive, and a lot of drinkers regard them as seasonal treats, so they're not among the most popular beers from a straight sales perspective. But if you brew a stout with an alcohol-by-volume percentage over eight and give it a price tag north of $7 per 22-ounce bottle, you've virtually… » 10/23/14 2:19pm Today 2:19pm

Jeanie Buss Goes In On "Losers" Who Don't Want To Play With Kobe

Things aren't going so great for the Los Angeles Lakers right now. Their head coach is dead set on implementing a caveman brand of basketball that may very well turn the Lakers into the worst team in the NBA, and a recent story by ESPN's Henry Abbott painted Kobe Bryant as a self-sabotaging sociopath whom nobody wants… » 10/23/14 1:54pm Today 1:54pm

My Friends, It Is Time To Send Brooklyn Beneath The Waves

One of the challenges of writing about things on the internet is having the discipline to contain yourself, for the sake of being able to call an item of work finished instead of knitting it into some mammoth all-encompassing rant about, like, American culture or capitalism or the human condition or whatever that will… » 10/23/14 1:35pm Today 1:35pm

Meet The Nearly Naked Calendar Boys Of Ohio State's Band

Back in July, Ohio State fired its band director after it discovered a raunchy band culture that included fake orgasms, explicit songs, and nicknames like "Pat Fenis." Now former band director Jonathan Waters has sued Ohio State. The university recently answered in court and, as part of the court filings, mention… » 10/23/14 1:20pm Today 1:20pm

In Defense of Button Mashing

The first time I played Tekken 3, I was hilariously bad. I was used to 2D fighting games, where the buttons corresponded with attack strength, and tapping 'Up' meant 'Jump.' This new, 3D genre, where each button corresponded with an attacking limb and tapping 'Up' meant 'Sidestep' (pressing 'Up' still meant 'Jump'),… » 10/23/14 1:18pm Today 1:18pm

Jet Li, Ass-Kicking Jerk: The Amazing Absurdity Of Fearless

There are early scenes in the 2006 martial-arts epic Fearless that require Jet Li to play an asshole. These are some pretty funny scenes. Assholism isn't, generally speaking, his thing—pained nobility is his thing. He is a legitimately world-renown ass-kicker, of course: Before he made a single movie, he was a… » 10/23/14 12:03pm Today 12:03pm