A Coach Live Blog? You're Goddamned Right A Coach Live Blog

Welcome back to the much-anticipated second chapter of our occasionally continuing coverage of the late-80s-mid-90s classic sitcom Coach. It's on Netflix. You can stream it and watch it with me and the other six or seven degenerates still hanging around.

When last we met, Coach Hayden T. Fox was at his wits end with his daughter and girlfriend and quest for gridiron glory. His daughter just matriculated at his school and his girlfriend is kind of weird, what with her finding Coach "sexy" and is also risking her career schtupping the guy she is supposed to cover as a serious journalist.

Also, Luther and Dauber are dumb.


Our next episode is Season 1, Episode 4: "I'm In Love With A Boy Named Stuart"

11:47 p.m.

Dauber is wearing a helmet. (He is dumb.)

11:48 p.m.

Dauber has his head slammed in a door while wearing the helmet. He does not feel it though because he is dumb. The helmet is just a coincidence.

11:49 p.m.

Jokes at the expense of the band geek. Band geeks are the worst.

11:51 p.m.

Band Geek Guy is also in charge of the mascot, re: the mascot, who Coach's meathead players have antagonized: "...five young men who flapped the feathers for Minnesota State."

11:51 p.m.

Band Geek Guy is threatening to go to the admins unless Coach gets him a new mascot. Brains vs. Brauns, etc.

11:53 p.m.

Kelly, the daughter, now wants to bring a guy to dinner. Fer crissakes, the band geek, my daughter bringing some new guy around? Whatsa Coach gotta do to get some peace around here?

11:54 p.m.

Riley Pringle. That is the Band Geek Guy's name. (He drinks daiquiris. Daiquiris!)

11:56 p.m.

Holyyyyyy shit the outfit this guy Stuart is wearing. Appears to be a green sweater underneath a green blazer. Also, three of the four people at the table have red hair.

Coach drinks beer, Stuart drinks herbal tea and is a mime.

11:57 p.m.

They are miming at the dinner table. Sort of don't know what else to say right now.

11:58 p.m.

The fucking waiter has red hair. What in the hell is going on here?

11:59 p.m.

"If you say 'Stu' you take the 'art' out of my name.'

12:01 a.m.

Coach does not go in for all this tranquility and salad bullshit. Stuart is in trouble.

12:03 a.m.

Stuart has feelings and picked up on the bad vibes from Coach. The 800 lb. gorilla in the room: "Compared to Stu-art, I'm stu-pid?!" Well played, Coach.

12:05 a.m.

"Well what the hell does that mean?" Will be on Coach's tombstone.

12:06 a.m.

Coach is meeting with Stuart in his office before the big game. He (Stuart, natch) is crying. Coach is juggling the high stakes gridiron glory ambitions with his personal relations very poorly at this point.

12:07 a.m.

Luther update: still a menace to himself.

12:08 a.m.

"Maybe I'm just more in touch with my female side." Absolute sports-sitcom gold.

12:09 a.m.

Coach, you magnificent bastard! Kills two birds with one stone and has Stu-art fill in as the mascot! He's a mime!

Next Episode! Episode 5, The Loss Weekend

12:10 a.m.

Our cold open is in the locker room. Pep talk is kinda heavy. Wonder what gives.

12:11 a.m.

Coach is a master motivator. He is convincing his team it doesn't need a pre-game peptalk while giving it a pre-game peptalk. You don't get to be head coach at Minnesota State without having a few books in your library.

12:13 a.m.

Dauber status check: ate plastic toys off a cake, is still dumb.

12:14 a.m.

Hair was so weird back in the late 80s/early 90s.

12:15 a.m.

It seems MSU (UMS?) lost their home-opener. Coach is weeping in a corner.

12:16 a.m.

Kelly brings her friends to meet Coach, they did not care about losing the game. They had dates.

12:18 a.m.

Sitcoms move pretty fast without commercials.

12:19 a.m.

Coach is begging for sex. He lost the game for having too few men on the field.

12:20 p.m.

Coach begs for sex a lot. Probably because he is a loser.

(Dauber and Luther, still dumb FYI.)

12:21 a.m.

Holy shit the gay friend from Sex and the City is in this briefly. [Gets made fun of by Coach for watching Sex and the City.]

12:24 a.m.

Dauber still does not seem to know the difference between windows and doors.

12:26 a.m.

Coach, the stupid oaf, is ignoring Christine so she's talking about getting naked in front of cameras and he doesn't even notice. There is a lot of sex that never happens in this show.

12:28 a.m.

Coach is once again balancing gridiron glory and personal relations very poorly. But he has a sweet leather jacket.

12:31 a.m.

Coach is listing all the goals of his life in order, but he started with #2. WHAT IS NUMBER ONE?

12:32 a.m.

Oh, good. It's Christine (and his daughter).

Episode 6 is called Gambling For Meat. So, there you go.

12:35 a.m.

I think Chewbacca wearing an Iowa uniform just knocked on Coach's door. They will probably lose another game.

12:37 a.m.

Huge blowout loss for the Minnesota Staters. 44-3. They are back at the steakhouse. There is an entire table full of redheads behind them. And a redhead at the bar. This is seriously very weird. I am officially obsessed.

12:38 a.m.

a random photographer: also a redhead!

12:39 a.m.

Luther bet against the team and he is not fired. Mr. Roger's might be on to something here.

12:40 a.m.

Nevermind, stupid NCAA is gonna come down hard on them. BECAUSE OF THE FUCKING REDHEADED PHOTOG!

12:41 a.m.

Luther is definitely the kind of guy who you break bad news to over an ice cream sundae. "Luther you're suspended 30 days, but here is a chocolate fudge sundae." [smiles]

12:43 a.m.

There was a joke about the noise created by a typewriter. It's like the Seinfeld theory that half the eps wouldn't exist with cellphones, only much older.

12:45 a.m.

Coach does this thing, where he acts like a jerk but says nice things. The characters seem to appreciate it.

12:48 a.m.

Dauber is teaching Coach something about general anxiety disorder. They think Luther has general anxiety disorder. Dauber takes psychology. So, you know, that's definitely a real science.

12:50 a.m.

Seriously this steakhouse. What is with all the redheads? I need answers and I need them now.

12:53 a.m.

Coach is all disheveled, walking around all messed-up like, I think he might be drunk.

12:54 a.m.

He just quit because he can't unsuspend Luther. He's definitely drunk.

(Luther is dumb.)

12:57 a.m

Oh that Hayden, he is sly. Cooked up a little scheme with the AD to get Luther back in the fold. OK, so sly might be overselling it a bit. Getting Luther to do what you want is like the opposite of taking candy from a baby. It is giving candy to a baby.

Alright, that's a good place to call it a night. Hopefully when all these stupid playoff sports are over we can find a regular schedule for this. We've got a lot of work to do to get through all nine seasons.