Homeowners’ Email Chain Goes From Snippy To Crazy In A HurryS

Oh look, we've got more homeowners' association members sending each other overwrought emails. Whereas our last installment dealt with the scourge of unsightly dog poop, today's dive into suburban madness brings something much more sinister to light: people parking across the street from other people's driveways. Let's get right to it (names have been changed at the request of our tipster).

Things begin innocuously enough, with one couple in the neighborhood sending a mass email out to the rest of the residents, asking them if they would please refrain from parking across the street from the couple's driveway.

Dear Neighbors-

Please do not park directly in front of the exit to our driveway. I almost smashed into a Lexus this morning backing out of my driveway. There is often times a blue Buick or a Lexus parked directly in front of our driveway exit. There is not enough room to back out.

Thanks,
Bob

So, yeah, that's a pretty dumb thing to ask for. Either the streets in Bob's neighborhood are uncommonly narrow, or he's just a terrible driver. Chris, the HOA president, responds:

All,

Let's please be clear....cars can park legally on the street.

I would bet that if someone backs into a car that is legally parked on the street...it is the fault of the driver not the parked car.

16 of the 22 houses on Sonoma Ct have the exact same issue where cars can legally park on the opposite side of the street directly accross from their respective driveway.

Therefore, ALL drivers should be careful when backing out of their driveways and cars can park legally on the street.

Kind Regards,
Chris

But Bob wasn't about to let that be the end of the matter:

Hey Chris,

I agree it is legal to park on the street. I’m not calling into question Ohio state laws. Nor am I trying to place blame on anyone should a collision occur. If I hit a parked car with my car, it’s probably my fault in any state. My previous email was not meant to call into question laws or who’s fault a collision would be. It was merely meant to let people know as a neighbor that it is very difficult backing out of my driveway with someone parked on the street directly across from my driveway. As neighbors, I would hope that we could try to be considerate of each other. There is plenty of space one car length to the left or right directly across from my driveway. It would be a big help to me if the people who park directly across from my driveway could recognize that and park to the side instead. It’s a free country and people are allowed to park anywhere on the street they can. I’m just asking people to do me a solid and try not to park directly across from my driveway if there is just as good of a spot 10 or 12 feet down the street. As far as the 16 of 22 other people who deal with that problem, I can’t speak for them. Lets just try to be courteous with each other. Until then, I will continue to be as safe of driver as I can be.

Thanks,
Bob

Poor Chris appears to be running out of patience at this point, and addresses the next email to both Bob and his wife, Sally. This will pay off (for us) in the long run.

Sally/Bob,

I am only stating that as residents of the neighborhood we cannot impose parking restrictions in legal parking spots.

Your request is noted but if neighbors or visitors do or do not park there, we cannot have mass email requests or other requests to move cars. It is a public street.

If people can accommodate great, if not, so be it. I'd recommend trying to drive out forward.

We cannot have emails to the entire neighborhood related to anyones personal preferences. The intent of this distribution list is for items that effect the whole neighborhood.

This email closes this topic, if anyone has additional comments, please contact me directly at [redacted]

Kind Regards,
Chris

And back comes Bob! Because trying to reason with Bob is like trying to reason with a fucking brick wall.

Chris-

I am not imposing parking restrictions on anybody. I am asking for a neighbor favor. As HOA President it is your responsibility to represent all residents and their concerns not just matters you agree with. I sent out a mass email because I did not know who those cars belong to. If those cars don’t belong to you let this matter be figured out amongst the adults and neighbors. If you have other issues you want to discuss with me we can talk privately. I am well within my rights to address my concerns for the safety of myself, my guests and my neighbors. My guests have commented to me how they have almost hit the parked cars on the street. Nobody wins when a parked car in the street gets hit. Matters of safety do affect the entire neighborhood. Thanks for your recommendation on driving out forward but that is impossible when we have guests on our parking pad. If you are the owner of those vehicles please feel free to contact me. I am currently working the night shift but am available on Saturday’s during the day.

Thanks, Bob

OK, we're starting to get bored. Someone else needs to get in here and spice this dispute up a bit. Maybe Sally would be up to the task. Care to help us out with that, Chris?

Sally,

I am representing all of the neighborhood on this topic.

Again, this email closes this topic, if anyone has additional comments please contact only me directly at [redacted]

Kind Regards,
Chris

Excellent. Here we go!

Chris- Bob is the one writing you (from the hospital while he is managing dying patients who need emergency surgery). I have bigger fish to fry getting my kids to sleep and preparing for tomorrow. Quit dragging me into issues that involve my husband. You are being incredibly rude and I don't appreciate it. I'm on my own with the dog and girls tonight. Leave me alone.

Take the gloves off, Chris!

Wow. That was really rude...and you keep replying to all ...which no one likes. People are emailing me saying how Ridiculous this thread and the initial request was. It's BS.

Sally, I apologize if you feel like you are pulled in. Bob, I really hate to think patient lives are in the balance. Sorry you haven't noticed before, but The various cars have been out there for 3+ years.

Please stop emailing all and be considerate of others email.

This is not me against you. I have the "privilege" of representing the neighborhood.

Kind Regards,
Chris

We are this close to this whole ordeal turning into an all-out suburban nightmare. Please, bring us home, Sally.

Chris-

I now consider your communication harassment. You are being hostile and the authorities will be notified. Do not contact us any further and leave us alone until there is formal mediation in place. Barbara the same goes for you. We do not want to have any contact with either of you. Lives are in the balance and Bob spends an average of 50 hours a week at home much of that sleeping time. Your behavior is despicable.

Sally

Anyway, Bob and Sally seem like a lot of fun.