Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: "Chicago Wrigleyville Bacci Brawl." Tonight's commentator: Jamie Ramsay aka Varla Vendetta of the Windy City Rollers. (Coming next week: Steve "ESPO" Powers breaks down an arts-related street battle.)
So, despite the fantasies of many who have misconceptions about it, modern women's roller derby involves none of the planned cat-fighting made popular by our predecessors. In fact, there are strict penalties for even swearing at the wrong person these days. We bring the fight to our opponents with well-timed hits and relentless pursuit.
For modern derby athletes, it is the scoreboard the reveals who reigns at the end of a bout. During a game that involves simultaneous defense and offense, retaliation requires too narrow a scope of the in flux action.
Those who get distracted by their own anger during a game, generally find themselves unsuccessful or in the penalty box.
With that in mind, let's take a look at "Chicago Wrigleyville Bacci Brawl."
Here we have a melee - a restaurant fight that misses all the perks of staging a brawl in an eating or drinking establishment.
Where are beer bottles being cracked over heads in provocation? No hurled slice of pizza to ignite a raucous food fight in which the instigators make their escape, ducking flying morsels, a la Nicolas Cage and Deborah Foreman in Valley Girl?
Instead, our participants have completely wasted their opportune milieu.
Green-coat-lady does not understand that chair shots are to be done with folding chairs so that the recipient can make a satisfying dent in the seat and sound the accompanying clang, upon impact.
The assaulted man reciprocates with an equally feeble, one-handed chair toss, neglecting his initial target.
Evidenced is the inefficacy of retaliation. If chair-assaulted-man's intent was to confront hoodie guy, well, hoodie guy gets a shot in and then bolts, as soon as chair-assaulted-guy is diverted.
Creativity points go to the hoodie guy on the bench who, at our introduction to this brawl, hunkers down his dead weight in effort not to engage chair-assualted-guy, who was pulling on him.
He reminds me of how kittens look when their mothers grab them by the scruff of the neck. The freeze, while it does not save him from being unseated, is a clever tactic in the scuffle. Fool them into thinking you've submitted, then jet.
If the 80s taught us anything, wasn't it that food fights = peace and forgiveness? This mess could have collapsed into a reconciliatory pile by just grabbing a ketchup bottle or a cream pie.
Focus, people, focus.
And now the rest of the Tuesday Night Fights:
• Dissension outside the Starlight in Orlando, starring man in jorts. (Start of Violence, 0:12)
• From the good folks over at Busted Coverage, observe Tigers fans in their opening-day element. (SoV, instantly)
• Guns don't kill people. Neither do bros who pull guns out after two young boys whoop up on 'im in a driveway in front of a lady dressed like a real-estate agent from the early 90s. (SoV, 0:02)
• There were just too many fightin' white dudes for those two chaps in light-blue "security" shirts to deflect aggressions. (SoV, 0:41)
• The "Teach a Lesson That We Don't Need To Sort To Fighting To Resolve Conflicts In Life" Intermission:
• STICK FIGHT! HEADS BROKEN! (SoV, instantly)
• Bros battle on Park Street in Bristol, Ct. (SoV, 0:07)
• This brawl "among men and women" was prompted by "an unknown issue." Deadspin I-Team, assemble. (SoV, instantly)
• BROS, WE GOTTA UNITE INSTEAD OF TEAR ONE ANOTHER DOWN, BROS!!! (SoV, 0:09)
• Here's hoping Michael Stipe sees this "wild land whale" intervention in an Athens, Ga. street battle and gets the band back together. (SoV, instantly)
• Aussie road rage, complete with skateboard-embiggened swings. (SoV, 0:02)
• The Lil Penny vs. Some Guy Who Made Lil Penny Dry Heave Intermezzo:
• From America's birthplace comes this little view of "Young Ladies Tradin' Punches at South Philly High" (SoV, instantly).
• TNF's Beijing correspondent Anthony Tao maintains that "as long as people fight, people will watch." So, watch this one. (SoV, 0:02)
• Shit got real at Palm Beach Gardens High last Wednesday, and raycess, yo. (SoV, 0:30)
• Shit also got real between Lamaiyah and Aaliyah at Baltimore's Academy for College and Career Exploration, yo. (SoV, 0:43)
• Live Look-In At A Manute Bol Tribute Artists Restoring Order In Arima, Trinidad and Tobago:
• BC and LB were having one of those days where everyone's on their cases from teachers all the way down to their best girlfriends. So, for release, they got to fightin' in the boys room, and everything worked itself out. (SoV, instantly)
• "She white! She can't fight! ... Just 'cause you white, that don't mean shit!" And more! (SoV 0:02)
• All these Russian gang wars start to look the same after a while, don't they? (SoV, 1:16)
• Others: "Wichita Falls street fight." "2 bums street fight in Brazil." "Samoans vs. Tongans Islander Street Fight." "Russian Street Fight." "girl fight - Chastity vs. Jasmine." "Brawl inside Mcds." "street fight kaleb vs. Antwaun." "Fight in Front of PLAYHOUSE Hollywood." "BRONX CRAZY STREET FIGHT." "Today I Saw Crazy street fight WhiCh I camered it !" "street fight." "Summit fight !"
• The "BAR FIGHT SPANISH AND ASIANS LANCASTER PA BOTTLES SMAHSED ON HEAD" Coda: