Photo credit: David J. Phillip/AP

The Deadspin staff convened in our staff chatroom last night to discuss and coordinate our coverage of Super Bowl 51 while we all watched it from our various homes and/or Super Bowl parties. As the game unfolded, staffers suggested various headlines for our postgame story; I’ve compiled them into a grimly illuminating timeline below.

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8:53 PM: “A Children’s Treasury Of Sad Patriots”
10:01 PM: “Patriots Lose Greatest Super Bowl Ever Played In Humiliating Fashion”
10:19 PM: “Patriots Stage Greatest-Ever Super Bowl Comeback In Proof This Is The Darkest Timeline”
10:20 PM: “Tom Brady Seals Status As Greatest Player To Ever Live As Nation Mourns”
10:20 PM: “Tom Brady And Bill Belichick Kick America In The Crotch”
10:21 PM: “Patriots Erase 25-Point Deficit, Defeat Hope”
10:22 PM: “Tom Brady Pisses In America’s Wounds”
10:23 PM: “Patriots Turn Biggest-Ever Super Bowl Comeback Into Grinding Hopeless Win”
10:23 PM: “Tom Brady Joylessly Pisses In America’s Wounds With Blank Expression In Dead Eyes”
10:24 PM: “Dead-Eyed Tom Brady Takes Joyless Piss In America’s Wounds”
10:24 PM: “Patriots Complete Unprecedented, Joyless Comeback”
10:25 PM: “Golden State Warriors Off Hook”
10:25 PM: “Golden State Warriors Blow 25-Point Super Bowl Lead”
10:26 PM: “America Was A Lie”
10:31 PM: “Patriots Rally To Deny Falcons’ 25-Point Lead, God’s Existence”
10:33 PM: “Tom Brady Seals Status As Greatest Player Ever As Nation Mourns