•Tony Gonzalez (and a strategically placed Mrs. Gonzalez) go naked for a PETA ad. Think it's ironic someone on the Hawks, of all teams, to do an anti-fur ad? Well, it's not; Michael Vick never wore fur.

•The Raiders are actively cooperating with the NFL of Tom Cable's Punch-Out!! because they hope to be able to fire Cable "with cause," and not have to pay him. Or they could keep him on staff, and not have to pay any assistants whose careers he ends.

•A Notre Dame assistant called out Navy's head coach for his postgame comments and repeated chop blocks. Never mind the fact that it was Veterans Day; any team who tries to cripple the Fighting Irish will always have the public's sympathy.

•Jimmy Rollins and Shane Victorino win Gold Gloves. They're obviously not talking about batting gloves.

•In a battle of teams named after primary colors, the Red Wings demolish the Blue Jackets 9-1. But if they could somehow combine forces, they would blend into the Purple Parrots, the absolute best team on Legends Of The Hidden Temple.

•Jim Riggleman "wins" the hotly contested Nationals manager sweepstakes, and will sign a one-year contract. Second prize, obviously, was a two-year deal.

•Finally, we've got Duke recruit Kyrie Irving starring in his high school production of High School Musical:

Pete was in Houston doing a radio interview, because that's where he and his as-yet-unnamed girlfriend met with a Playboy talent scout. But lest you think the young lass is nothing more than a pair of freakish fake breasts,

[M]y girl's a real educated girl - she graduated from Arizona State. She had a very prestigious job several years ago when she was a flight attendant for Korean Airlines, which is really a big deal in Korea, and she's Korean."

Pete also laid the sole blame for his ban on Bud Selig, but let's be honest. You only clicked on this post to make that photo bigger. You haven't read this far down.

Pete Rose Goes To Bat For His Lady! [Sports Radio Interviews]

There hasn't been a serious competitor to the Madden franchise since NFL 2K5. That's because EA signed a deal to license the NFL's intellectual properties, meaning real teams and players could be used in Madden — and nowhere else.

That means the only other options for gamers are failures like All-Pro Football 2K8 and Blitz: The League II, both with fictional teams and players. And who wants fictional players?

No one, says a judge. And that could mean that EA's deal with the NFL is exclusionary, and therefore a possible antitrust violation. So, if you're one of the millions of people who bought a Madden game since 2005, keep your eyes peeled. As this moves through the courts, you could have the opportunity to pretend like you were personally hurt by this, and make a little money.

Video Game Buyers Seek Class Cert. In EA Suit (Subscription required) [Law360]

Chad Hampton won the South Carolina boys Class A cross-country championship, wearing stock Air Jordans, the type you'd buy off the shelves — to play basketball. While not high tops, I can't overemphasize how uncomfortable that has to be. With solid ankle support, and weighing at least twice as much as normal track and field shoes, Hampton should have a minute shaved off his time for sheer badassery.

Oh, and his shoes were untied.

But maybe running's not your thing. Maybe you're a club whore who can't live without your 4-inch heels, but can't bear the thought of wearing shoes without a Jumpman logo. Well you're in luck, because we we found the perfect footwear for the woman who's a lady on the court but a freak in the sheets.

While the heels are Chinese knockoffs, there's an untapped market here. Imagine: AIr Jordan penny loafers, Air Jordan combat boots, AIr Jordan ballet slippers. If only MJ was the sort of person who'd put his name on just anything to make a quick buck.

Starters Courtney Fortson (pictured) and Stefan Welsh are out indefinitely. Also suspended were Marcus Britt, Glenn Bryant and Nick Mason, each of whom attended a frat party in August where a freshman claimed she had been raped by three unnamed basketball players. (No charges were filed.) Let us now recall the Twittery words of Fortson, shortly after news of the rape investigation broke:

Im gettin it at workouts like a dude who doesnt understand the word no from a drunk girl lol

Today, he sounds chastened, like a man who's learned the hard way that rape is no LOLing matter.

There's always hardships u go through wit life but as long as u have control of yourself I'm sure u will find a way. C fortson

U will, Courtney. U will.

Arkansas will be down a man, or five [Searching for Billy Edelin]
Pelphrey suspends five players [ESPN]

* * * * *

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Barry Petchesky will be around tonight to print some more lies.

Just three games into their inaugural season in the Southern Professional Hockey League, head coach Ron Handy abruptly quit to "focus on community relations and off-ice operations." Apparently, losing the team's first three games didn't fall under that rubric. Caught in a bind, general manager and team president Brent Sapergia put himself behind the bench for last week's two game series against Pensacola. It did not go well. He received a game misconduct in both games and has been banned from coaching by the league after responding to penalty call by taking anything not nailed down to his bench and hurling it on the ice.

Is Sapergia crazy ... or crazy like a fox? Is it too cynical to think that the Bill Veeck of Southeastern Minor League hockey cooked up this rant to draw some attention to his floundering expansion team? The IceGators—a non-indigenous species, obviously—were resurrected in 2009 after a previous incarnation of the franchise folded four years ago. And before this moment, were you aware that there was a hockey team in Lafayette, Louisiana? Didn't think so.

Or maybe he's just a really, really bad coach. Eh, I'll just go with that one.

[Video: AP, via Busted Coverage]
Struggling IceGators get new coach [The Independent]
The Official IceGators Website [Icegators.com]
Ice Flyers open at home with win [Pensacola News Journal]

Sosa told Univision's "Primer Impacto" his spooky pallor is a result from aggressive rejuvenation treatment that's backfired a bit. "It's a cream that I have, that I use to soften [my skin], but has bleached me some. I'm not a racist, I live my life happily."

Sammy wouldn't reveal the name of the cream (only that he purchased it in Europe) but he said his over-usage and the bright lights were the culprit.

After doing some half-assed Google research, it appears Sosa probably used a skin care product containing an enormous amount of Hydroquinone, a skin bleaching agent which, if used improperly could cause someone's skin to turn the color of old dog shit. Super White Sammy turns 41 tomorrow, by the way.

Sosa: Facial Cream Caused Lightening Of Skin [ESPN]

Give them credit. When baseball's "leaders" stick their head in the sand, they really stick it in there. No outside noise will ever affect their judgment. The 2009 postseason was the most embarrassing display by the umpires in recent memory. It wasn't that they missed a lot of close plays—the calls they botched were glaringly obvious mistakes. Even the most ardent anti-replay sticklers had to admit that it probably would have come in handy more than a few times this October. The time was ripe! So, of course, baseball's GMs said "No, thanks."

"Right now, the commissioner doesn't see any reason to consider it."

Really? No reason at all? I guess they just want to spare baseball fans from 10-minute replay reviews on Sony Watchmans (mens?). On the other hand, they can't even figure out how to announce the league MVPs within two months of the actual season taking place, so when has speed ever been a concern? The sport's "old fogey" reputation remains solidly intact.

Trail to instant replay must be laid with dollar signs [CBS Sports]
What controversy? Baseball's GMs bypass instant replay debate for umpires' calls [Cleveland Plain Dealer]

It's ridiculous to blame Drew for "not vetting" this story as thoroughly as possible given that he's doing a series that's built on first-hand accounts about supposedly asshole coaches. Drew came to me with this story and suggested this one was unique enough to stand on its own outside of the series. I agreed. It was amusing and given Murphy's reputation as a hot-head and the other details of the event that were clearly true, it seemed completely plausible.

Obviously, that was wrong. When you run one-sided versions of stories, which we often do here, the goal is just that — to show one person's side. That's it. It's been my experience, more often than not, that putting these first-person accounts on items reveal a larger truth or open the door to finding out the bigger story. This is how we've successfully done many things on this site over the years from "You're With Me Leather" to Josh Hamilton.

Of course, this is not how traditional media outlets do things. Most people read Deadspin for various reasons but I don't think any readers come here with the idea that what they'll find will be something they'd find in magazines, newspapers, or websites that they'd find elsewhere. This site has been built employing both traditional journalism practices and non-traditional ones, which has tremendous benefits but plenty of risks as well. I don't think it's that difficult to distinguish between when we're practicing journalism and, especially, when we don't. But when facts are wrong, they get corrected, as they should. And unlike other traditional publications, I think we draw a lot more attention to our mistakes than just a 10 word correction buried on page A12.

We've already run the correction on the story and Drew did his best to rectify that situation. This is simply me underlining that fact that he was doing what he was told to do by me and he's not the bad guy in this situation. The real culprit is the misguided fellow who emailed the bullshit story to begin with and, of course, the very elastic editorial policy employed here by Deadspin which is championed by me.

Regardless of this unfortunate incident, I'm confident that we're doing the right thing most of the time. When we don't, well, it has to be addressed. This is me addressing it.

'Til the next episode.

Look, I get that Raider fans are super dedicated to their team and the elaborate costumes that are cooked up by the citizens of the "Black Hole" are part of the fun and spirit of football (and maybe the only reason anyone even attends their games.) But ... and I'm just spitballing here, I'm no expert really ... have you considered taking the shoulder pads off before you get in the port-a-potty? Just a thought. I would just hate to see you lose one of those skulls down the other "black hole."

This picture was taken by photographer Mark Lutzker and you should really check out his whole gallery of shots from the Oakland parking lot, because Raider fans sure are, um ... interesting.

Oakland Raiders [Mark Lutzker]

* * * * *

It's Veteran's Day, so if you know someone who was in the military, today would be a good day to not spit on them.

Did you know that this song was made famous by the movie Rush Hour 3!? (Come on, YouTube. You're better than that.)

•Not only do SEC replay booths not use HD screens, but they say it's not worth making the switch. Also, that play where Patrick Peterson clearly stayed in bounds? They accidentally DVR'd The Mentalist over it.

•Want to know what makes Sidney Crosby so good? Evgeni Malkin. In the sixth game without the real MVP in the lineup, Sid The Kid extended his point-less streak to five games, and the Pens fell to Boston.

•A four-minute replay review overturned Brad Miller's buzzer-almost-beater, and Denver hung on to top Chicago. Imagine that! The length of the game was extended in order to make the right call, and no one's calling for David Stern's head! You listening, Selig? Of course you're not. You fell asleep halfway through Leno.

•What's Larry Johnson worth? Not moving to the bottom of the waiver wire. No one claimed the, um, expressive RB, and he's free to sign anywhere. Except with the Chiefs. My sources tell me they have no plans of signing him.

•If Mauer, Jeter and Teixeira were hoping their defense would set them apart in the MVP race, well...all three won Gold Gloves. Also, Placido Polanco emerges as a dark horse candidate.

•A judge has blocked North Dakota from changing their nickname from the Fighting Sioux. In these trying times, with two wars being fought, it's just insensitive to name a team the Fighting anythings.

•The Tribune's Rick Morrissey said Joakim Noah would never be a useful player, and promised to eat the column if he was proven wrong. Well...

Corey Clark of the Tallahassee Democrat knew he would ruffle some feathers when he posted a partial transcript of Bowden's postgame remarks after a comeback loss to Clemson; he even apologized in advance. But Bowden's supporters do no one any good by pretending this sort of thing isn't going on.

Bowden: "Both of us made errors. We probably scored on some of their errors — I didn't keep up with it. But we'd turn the ball over and they'd go down and score. Then we'd turn it over and they didn't score. They'd turn it over back. And the game kind of went that way. We felt very comfortable. We knew it was a battle.

"How late was it 24-21 in our favor? How late did it get? Did that get into the fourth quarter?"

Reporter: "Nine and a half minutes left."

Bowden: "Left in the game?"

Reporter: "Yes."

Bowden: "So you're feeling comfortable, but you know that it ain't won yet. Then of course the dam broke."

A few minutes later, Bowden was asked this question by another reporter.

Reporter: "In the second half, when it seemed like momentum started to switch, how hard was it to try to reverse that?"

Bowden: "You mean when they got it (momentum)? Well, actually … you know, they had to kick off to us. We had a what? A three-point ….? Did we have the lead at the half?"

(Reporter nods).

Bowden: "We had a three-point lead at the half, I think. Then they had to kick off to us. We needed to take it down and win the darn game right there. We didn't do it. They stopped us. Then we kicked it to them and then they probably scored."

Reporter: "They went ahead and then you guys came back."

Bowden: "Huh?"

Reporter: "They went ahead and then you guys came back again."

Bowden: "Did we get ahead of them again after that?"

Reporter: "Yeah."

Bowden: "Then we got back ahead, huh? Umm, it was going that way, you know it? I felt very comfortable that if they could score, we could score. That's the way I felt, you know it? We've done it all year. But then we started turning the ball over."

I'm not saying this is any worse than the senior moments we all have from time to time. I'm not saying Seminole backers should be terrified that he'll forget the score, or the down, in the middle of a game. I'm not saying Bowden's too old to be coaching football.

Oh wait. I am saying that.

What Are We To Think Of Bowden's Postgame Comments? [Tallahassee Democrat]

Jimmy Tucker, better known to the rest of the country as "that guy with the beard who really likes Kansas athletics," has been a fixture on KU's quad since time immemorial, but students have noticed his recent absence.

Seems Tucker, 62, has repeatedly violated a restraining order taken out by his 23-year-old ex-fiancée, and was arrested last week for failing to show up for a court date.

That's not the only run-in with the law Tucker has had. He's scheduled to appear in court on a theft charge after stealing three books from the student library, and has yet another court appearance for a marijuana possession charge.

I wouldn't expect anything less from a man who named himself after a blunt.

‘White Owl' Held In Jail In Connection With Protective Order Case [Lawrence Journal-World]

I've removed the story in question, because the guy who sent it in emailed me later on to tell me that, in fact, Murphy never threatened to kick his ass. Instead, I'm going to run this version of the story from ASU assistant SID Randy Policar. What we're left with is the rather sad story of an autograph hound stopping at nothing to get a signature from a very frail and vulnerable boxing legend. A brief warning: the bolded sentence below may cause spontaneous bouts of weeping.

Let me start by saying that there was no "security" at this event, per se. It was all volunteers. It wasn't an ASU event, so I was there as a volunteer as well. When Ali arrived at 6:45, a group of volunteers (myself included) helped get him to the golf cart that he was to ride in. His wife and sister-in-law were with him. There was a group of 10-15 people with items to be signed, and Ali's wife and sister made it clear that A. he was not physically able to really sign and B. he would not be signing anything tonight due to an exclusive memorabilia contract that he had.

Ali was brought up to a suite at Scottsdale Stadium for him, his wife and his sister-in-law. While it is true that Coach Murphy was one of the first to greet him, I can promise you, in no uncertain terms, Pat Murphy DID NOT have Muhammad Ali sign anything for him. I was in there the entire time Coach was, and Murph went in there to welcome him and to thank him for lending his name to the charity event. He asked Ali if it would be ok if he could take a picture with him and his wife, and if his daughter could get a picture. He also asked if Ali would like to meet Dustin Pedroia and Andre Ethier, MLB players who were also in attendance. Ethier and his 18-month old son were brought in and spent a few minutes with him, then Pedroia and his three-month old came in. Ali was very excited to see the little boys and held them on his lap while posing for some photos.

After the players left, fans starting pouring into the suite. Ali's wife became concerned about the number of people in there, but was still very gracious and allowed most of them to shake Ali's hand and pose for a photo. The person who wrote the email, and I know exactly who it is, came into the suite with a giant poster and other items to be signed. He shoved past the other people in the suite and basically pushed a pen and the poster into Ali's face. Ali's wife told the gentleman that Muhammad could not sign, because of contractual issues and because he was doing a private signing the following week. The man started to protest and Mrs. Ali offered to take his name and phone number down and told him she would call him and try and work something out so he could get something signed. He gave her the information and she put it in her purse. She was clearly frustrated at how pushy he was, but she handled it well and no one raised their voice. The man then got a photo with Ali and left the booth. During this time, Murphy was not in the Ali suite, but next door with Pedroia and Ethier.

After Ali was taken down to the field on his cart, they sang the national anthem and woman performed a song to honor Ali. He stood up and waved to the crowd and then greeted some young baseball players who participate in a little league that was founded and originally funded by Coach Murphy. After that, Ali got back in his cart to leave.

At this point, the people on the field at Scottsdale Stadium were either participants in the home run derby, Sandlot All-Star (little league) players and parents, volunteers or media members. During the song to Ali, I saw the emailer jump the fence and come on to the field. Once Ali got onto his cart, this guy once again shoved a pen and a Sports Illustrated into Ali's face. He was told again by Ali's wife and sister-in-law no autographs, but he kept pushing, begging and pleading with Muhammad to sign. Ali's wife reminded him that she had taken his number and was going to call him, but he completely dismissed her. The crowd was all over the guy, yelling at him to show some respect and heed his wishes, but he didn't care at all. Eventually, Ali relented (and honestly, at that point, what choice did he have, the guy was not going to move) and began to sign the magazine.

I swear to you, it took Ali around three or four minutes to sign his name, because of his physical condition. He had to be held up, because he could not stand on his own. Ali did thumb through the magazine, and eventually got into the cart. The emailer's claim that he was thrown into the backstop by ASU security is a patently ridiculous statement. First off, it was not an ASU event, so there was no ASU security or any other type of security, just the volunteers. Second off, I saw it, he was asked to back off and refused. There was no physical assault of any kind. When Ali's cart drove off, one of the volunteers who helped set up the event escorted him off the field and out of the stadium.

I can also tell you that I spoke to Ali's wife prior to the whole incident, and they were planning on staying at the event to watch the home run derby. We already had begun preparations to bring Ali back up to the suite. But after the stunt that the emailer pulled, they decided to leave and not subject Ali to anything else like that. I thought Ali handled the whole situation well, as did his family. This guy was told no by numerous people, was given special treatment by Ali's wife to try and accommodate him, and still didn't like the answer he got. So he decided that the rules didn't apply to him and did whatever he had to in order to get what he wanted. It was a selfish act by this guy, who had already gotten a photo with Ali, something more valuable than a signature if you truly are a big fan. He got his moment with The Champ, but it wasn't enough for him.

To call a guy "the biggest asshole he ever met", the same guy who was putting on a Charity Event is just stupid. This guy clearly didn't care about the charity, or where the money was going, or the point of the event, he wanted Ali's autograph and felt he was entitled to it because he spent $99 to get in. Coach Murphy worked really hard to get Ali to come to the event, in the hopes that having his name attached would help raise money for a good cause, and this guy disrespects Ali and his family all because he wanted an autograph. Pat Murphy put on a charity event to raise money for an organization, The Crossroads, that is near and dear to his heart. He didn't put on an autograph show. Coach has donated thousands of dollars to charities throughout the country, he just doesn't advertise it.

He saved old game balls that were used once and tossed and donated them to inner city schools who couldn't afford baseballs, he donated sporting goods to Boys Town in Omaha so they could have new equipment to use. He's donated over $100,000 back to ASU for facility improvements and to help get his assistant coaches more money, and he started his own little league for kids who couldn't afford to join. He paid for uniforms and equipment and let them use a field for free, just so he could let underprivileged kids enjoy baseball. If those are the acts of the "biggest asshole", then maybe the world needs more assholes like Pat Murphy.

Coach doesn't know I sent this, and I was not directed by my superiors to defend him. I just wanted to set the record straight because I know Coach Murphy and his family and I know what kind of person he is. He can get mad and get heated, but he has a heart of gold, I promise you. It was a great event for a great cause, and I would hate to see his name dragged through the mud and the event tarnished because of half-truths from one person, who ultimately, got what he wanted, regardless of how it was obtained.

Sorry I got a little long winded, but I wanted you to hear what happened from my perspective.

I followed up with the reader (we'll call him Asshole) who sent in the original story for a clarification of what happened. Here is our exchange.

ME: Did you lie when you wrote this, Asshole?

ASSHOLE: I did not, but the details are distorted enough to cause issues. It was a funny story that has gone too far.

(19 minutes later)

ASSHOLE: Some information may be false…

(43 minutes later)

ASSHOLE: Drew, Murphy did not say those things to me...

Well, thanks. I'm glad we cleared that up. You asshole. I hope you get beaten like a redheaded stepchild.

UPDATE: The Pat Murphy Home Run Derby was established to benefit The Crossroads. You can learn more about that charity here. And, of course, my deepest apologies to Pat Murphy an the ASU athletic department.

A quick recap for that majority of you who couldn't give a toss about baseball until springtime: as part of the collective bargaining agreement, MLB and the Players Association agree to let the Elias Sports Bureau use a formula to rank the free agents as either Type A, Type B and unclassified. If a team fails to re-sign a Type A player, they receive the first round pick of the team who does, and a supplemental pick on top of that. A Type B player is worth only a supplemental pick.

It's simple, but that's the only part of this sordid business that is. Elias defines a Type A player as within the top 20 percent at his position, and a Type B as within the next 20 percent. But where does this formula come from?

It's a tightly guarded secret, but much of it has leaked out over the years (Here's a good rundown). There's a ton of things wrong with the stats, but we'll highlight a few.

•Stolen bases aren't taken into account. That's the most glaring, since a player who can single, then steal second 95 percent of the time, is unquestionably valuable. That extra base is akin to a huge jump in slugging percentage. Which reminds us...
•Slugging percentage isn't taken into account either. If two players have identical averages, and one is a slap singles hitter and the other consistently doubles and triples, which is more valuable? According to Elias, they're equal.
•Defense doesn't matter for half the players. Fielding percentage doesn't factor in to the valuations for outfielders and first basemen. As if a cannon arm and great first step for a center fielder don't save as many runs as they do for a third baseman.
•Control doesn't matter for starting pitchers. While relievers have their hits per inning, and K/BB ratios factored in, there's nothing similar for starters.

It's ludicrous that Elias, home to more obscure stats than anyone else, doesn't even use now-common measures like OPS and WHIP in their valuations. (Though it's impossible to blame them; this was the formula agreed upon by baseball and the MLBPA.) This gives us major inconsistencies, like these chronicled at Lookout Landing:

Among the potential free agents, there are 26 Type A's, 52 Type B's, and 102 unranked. The average 08/09 WAR (Wins Above Replacement) of the Type A's is 4.6. The average 08/09 WAR of the top 26 Type B's is 4.9.

The average 08/09 WAR of the bottom 26 Type B's is 1.5. The average 08/09 WAR of the top 26 unranked is 2.9.

21 unranked potential free agents posted a combined 08/09 WAR of 2+. Nine Type A's and 16 Type B's were below 2.

Guillermo Mota and David Weathers are Type B's despite posting WARs below zero.

Garret Anderson is a Type B despite being one of the least valuable players in the Major Leagues last year.

But the most egregious variable in the ratings is that they are determined by performance over the past two years. This minimizes breakout players, and ignores those who have broken down completely and suddenly.

Billy Wagner is a Type A; Joel Piniero is a Type B. Bengie Molina is a Type A; Carl Crawford is a Type B. Jason Kendall is worth compensation; Hideki Matsui is not. You get the idea.

Do I have a better plan? I do not. I am a blogger, and my job is to complain and not to be constructive. But something needs to be done, because this is a system that is good for no one.

The players lose because the added cost of losing a pick scares some bidders off, keeping offers lower. Half the teams lose because in order to qualify for compensatory picks, they have to offer arbitration to players they'd otherwise let go without a fuss. The other half lose because they have to surrender draft picks to sign players. So who does win?

Just like with the luxury tax, it's the teams that can't or won't spend money. Too cheap to hang on to your home grown superstars? No worries, they're a Type A and you'll receive another potential star just for being stingy. It's an incentive to break your fanbase's heart. You can almost picture Robert Nutting counting the draft picks for when he inevitably lets Andrew McCutchen go.

But, hey, once all the problems with steroids, TV revenue sharing, a salary cap, a salary floor, stadium financing, the USA's poor showings in the WBC, the lack of African-Americans in the game, verifying the ages of Latin American players, the MLB Network, and instant replay get sorted out, I'm sure baseball will get right on fixing this one.

Baseball's general managers, meeting in Chicago right now, chose not to vote on replay. From the Associated Press:

"We talked about the mechanics behind instant replay. We talked about the structure. We talked about where it's housed, the umpires' procedure," said Jimmie Lee Solomon, executive vice president of baseball operations in the commissioner's office. "But it was all confined to the current instant replay system that we have."

Commissioner Bud Selig opposes widening the use of video review.

"I know there are some who have talked off line about the expansion of instant replay," Solomon said. "Right now, the commissioner doesn't see any reason to consider it."

Selig's in the wrong, of course, as he often is. One day, rest assured, baseball will clean up its umpiring. But unfortunately that won't happen until the game first rids itself of the human element known as Bud Selig.

GMs pass on expanding instant replay [AP]

You might have seen this earlier today:

Here's Courtney's own fawning-but-meaningful tribute to the Sports Guy's literary achievement:

One of my favorite Espn men is doing a book signing today. Bill Simmons, he is their MOST talented sports writer. I am a big fan of his and have heard he may be a fan of mine. I have some DVDs that I am going to bring him. A little gift for him. I want to buy some of his books and have him autograph them. I thought they would be good gifts for my brother and dad. What do you guys think from a guy's point of view? Is this a good gift? I thought so; I am going to take pics with him also. Can't wait! This is why I need to go get my nails fixed. I can't show up looking busted! Lol.

I was so nervous standing in line. I had butterflies in my stomach. I wanted to make sure he liked my gifts that I brought. He was so happy to see me. He hugged me and rubbed up against my titties. My pussy was so wet! I wanted to do him right there!! He was so sweet as he asked me who my favorite sports teams are. I can't wait to read his book. I bought four total!!

Or... he made the culture cum to him.

****

Thanks for your continued support of Deadspin. Barry P rocks the party that rocks the body electric or something in a little while.

Shawnee Mission Northwest High School actually posted the best score at the Girls State Gymnastics Championships (103.950) which should have given them a victory of less one half point over rivals Lawrence Free State and Newton (who were tied at 103.525). However, their head coach "inquired about her team's scores on the balance beam after the 5-minute window in which coaches are allowed to do so from the time scores reach the judge's table after a rotation." The coach says "she gave verbal intent to inquire within the 5-minute window," which makes even less sense than the rule that she allegedly broke. Shouldn't the window really be 3 minutes and 14 seconds? That's just common sense, people!

This whole thing probably makes sense to some gymnastics expert out there, but will sound pretty pointless and arbitrary to dummies like me who don't get why teams with the highest score don't always win. Losing—and winning—on a rule violation that has nothing to do with the actual competition cheapens the game and drives reasonable people bonkers. But it does give old people (me again) something to gripe about so keep them coming.

Railer gymnasts tie for title [Pic via The Newton Kansan]
SM Northwest gymnasts lose state title amid controversy [Varsity Sports]
Surprise! Firebirds share state gymnastics crown [Lawrence Journal World]
Previous: Thread Color On Running Shorts Is The Most Important Sporting Issue Of Our Age

An hour ago, in fact, "bill simmons wife picture" was the No. 4 hot trend:

Huh. So people are more interested in a woman they know only through her occasional cameos in her husband's popular Internet sports column than they are in a mousy character actor. Go figure.

Still via this Sports Guy cartoon

Google Trends: bill simmons wife picture, Nov. 10, 2009 [Google]

Even worse, what could have been just an amusing case of mistaken identity has turned into a full fledged SCANDAL since two different Department of Public Safety employees accused Martin of "assaulting" them after he tried to enter the special VIP area at Michigan Stadium without a pass. The first incident happened at the Notre Dame game back in September:

Just before halftime, [sophomore Jackie] Turner was in charge of opening doors to let patrons out of the area when three males wearing University of Michigan polo shirts attempted to come through the doors, according to the report.

Turner told DPS she stepped in front of the doorway and told the man in the front of the group that she needed to see his pass to let him in. In response, the man, Martin, put his hand on her shoulder and said "Honey, I'm the athletic director," pushing her just enough so she would get out of his way.

Turner didn't report the incident until she heard that it happened at the Delaware State game last month:

Arif Kahn [an Eastern Michigan student and DPS employee] said he put his hand on the door and asked to see their passes. In response, the man "forcibly grabbed" Kahn's windbreaker and pushed him slightly.

The man then said, "I am the athletic director, I can go in," according to the report.

After Kahn refused to allow the man into the area without the proper credentials, the man grabbed Kahn's identification badge and asked to know his name. Kahn told DPS that a University Development Events staff member then identified the man as the athletic director and let him into the area.

Did you read that? He grabbed his windbreaker! Bill Martin is a monster who clearly belongs in prison, but only if he is not allowed to retire from his current job. (It would be more entertaining that way.)

Bill Martin apologizes for incidents [Detroit News]
AD Bill Martin accused of shoving two DPS staffers at Notre Dame and Delaware State games [Michigan Daily]
Michigan AD Bill Martin's Favorite Pastime–Shoving Students [Last Angry Fan]
[Photo via Michigan Daily/Clif Reeder]

Tebow was sacked four times on Saturday, bringing His season total to 21. (He was sacked 15 times in 2008 and 13 times in 2007.) At His Monday press conference, He addressed the matter of His health.

Witness: Tim Tebow, via The Florida Times-Union's Michael DiRocco

Testimony: "Body feels good. I feel refreshed."

Pertinent Scripture: Acts 1:3

After his suffering, he showed himself to these men and gave many convincing proofs that he was alive.

Please submit any evidence that Tim Tebow is our Redeemer to tips@deadspin.com.

Gators' Tebow refreshed and ready for stretch run [Florida Times-Union]

Before we get to the questions this week, a little rumor about Dan Snyder. I heard this story on LaVar Arrington's 106.7 FM radio show here in DC last week. A fan called in to tell Arrington and co-host Chad Dukes about an exterminator he knew. The exterminator was called to Snyder's house to spray for pests. When the exterminator arrived, the housekeeper instructed him where to go spray. But the exterminator found no signs of pests in the space. He came down to tell the housekeeper there was no need to spray, and he didn't want to take Snyder's money for a service the Redskins owner didn't need performed (clearly, this man was honest to a fault).

The housekeeper insisted the exterminator spray the area anyway, telling the man that Snyder hated to be told he was wrong, and that it would be better for everyone if he simply sprayed the area, took his money, and went about his business. But, he explained, there's nothing there. There's no need to spray. She insisted. Apparently, you REALLY do not want to tell Dan Snyder there are no pests in his house if he believes otherwise. So the man sprayed the area for no reason, took Snyder's money, and left.

And now you know why the Redskins are considering signing Larry Johnson.

Emails away!

Barb-A-Rod:

I'm a 27 year old guy, married for just over a year. We do not have a kid, yet. I smoke some good nugs daily, after I get home from work, and sometimes the wife will imbibe as well. Now, we're going to start trying for a child in the next month or two (she wants the baby to be born around October. Why, I have no idea) so clearly she has to quit smoking for the time being. Does that mean I have to quit smoking too? Can I just cut back? Do I need to get my spermies checked? Does that shit really lower your swimmer count? Do I ask too many unnecessary questions?

And reader JonnyDakota with a companion email:

Any babymaking tips? I've never made one on purpose before. Been trying for a couple months, didn't know it would be a challenge. Wife wants me to quit drinking while we try, but that hasn't and will not happen, certainly not during football season.

It's a law of nature that successful procreation is eighty times more difficult to achieve when you are intentionally trying to make a child. If you were banging a hooker in an alleyway instead, your chances of conception would rise an astonishing 370%. Your wife will do a lot of reading about fertility in the coming weeks and months (and will demand you do likewise), and somewhere along the line she will come across some bullshit advice from a doctor telling her that married couples need to behave like fucking Mormons in order to conceive a child and ensure that child doesn't come out retarded. No pot. No booze. No sushi (something about mercury). No cold cuts. For real. No cold cuts. She WILL force you to stop smoking the weed. It's all but inevitable. I bargained with Mrs. Drew for the right to drink, but she watched my intake like a fucking hawk.

HER: How many beers is that?

ME: Two.

HER: There are eight cans in the recycling bin.

ME: FUCK.

Anyway, I suggest you put up with all these restrictions for now. Once you finally hit paydirt (and that process itself is quite enjoyable), you have a designated driver for nine months. Not a bad payoff.

One other thing: I saw a doctor once while trying to have our second kid, and he told me I needed to cut out masturbation and attempt conceiving with the Mrs. Once every THREE days, and not more frequently. This increases your payload and floods your lady's reproductive system with manpaint. And it worked. But holding out for three days was fucking AGONY. It was horrible. Like being in Nam. I can't do it again, or I will fucking die.

Travis:

If there was a scale of tastiness, what food would have the largest extremes between its "fresh" version and its "leftovers" version? My vote is French Fries. The least extreme? I think it's pizza.

It can't be pizza. Pizza fresh out of the oven is fantastic. Jack Donaghy says preferring cold pizza over hot is CRAZY. Gotta be chili. Chili's even better the more you reheat it. Lasagna, too. But I agree on French fries. Ever get delivery French fries? They're always terrible.

Adam:

What is the proper portocol for taking a giant 12 hours of drinking and eating fried-food type of shit, when you reach for some tp, and you are denied. There's none in the cabinet-fuck my retarded roommate…

FLOYD! FLOYD, YOU USED UP ALL THE TOILET PAPER!

…There is some paper towels, but that's a good 25 foot walk, fuck. So what to do, hop in the shower and let water and gravity do there work and clean the shit out of it later, or make a slow ass clinched walk into the kitchen with hopes of no drips? Or just use your asshole roommate's bed sheets?

No, you gotta hit the kitchen and do that clenched asswalk. If there are paper products to be used, you are, by law, mandated to use them first before any cloth substitutes.

Emily:

Any thoughts on the Final Three of Project Runway? I agree that the cast wasn't as strong this season, but you must have some thoughts. At the very least, don't you think Irina is such a bitch?

Total bitch. It's the worst season in the history of the show. Kors and Garcia are never fucking there. (Imagine if Simon Cowell missed 70% of every Idol episode. If you liked that show, you'd be fucking pissed.) The move to LA was pointless and stupid. The challenges are terrible. The Gawker reviewers are right: they just tell the designers to go to Mood and make some shit. There's no, "Make a dress out of medical waste" type challenges that are cool. And the contestants are shit. How the fuck did Christopher last this long? They take this asshole to the Getty Museum, and he's inspired by algae on the rocks outside of the place? He may as well have been inspired by a fucking parking spot. What a crybaby asshole. He should have been out the first day.

The final three are all underwhelming. Irina's a bitch. Althea has Kirsten Dunst's teeth and makes the same floppy clothes every week. And Carol Hannah totally looks like this one dude I know. No lie. Slap a shitlaod of eyeliner on him, toss on a wig, and you got Carol Hannah. It's unnerving. All of them would get crushed if this were any other season. I think they're all allergic to actual colors. I say Irina wins handily, and then they'll pretend as if this season never existed. Next season, they're back in New York and Kors and Garcia are on for every episode. I think it'll be back to normal.

(Also, Irina is the hottest of the final three. I think. But she looks like the type of person that would lie there and smoke during intercourse.)

John:

If you have a 3-day weekend, is it better to have Friday or Monday off?

Friday. Not even close. More people take Friday off, so there are more people to drink with. You can go out on Thursday, best night of the week, and not worry about work. If you take Monday off, the weekend still feels like it's over come Monday morning anyway. You feel aimless.

Pedro:

My only real goal in life is to clog a toilet with only poop (i.e., no toilet paper). A friend of mine says he's done this, but he's a lying sack of shit. Have you done it?

Nope. Poop is ergonomically designed for easy flushing, with its snakelike contours. I say it's not possible.

Brad:

I bought a $5 footlong and gave my roommate half of it as soon as I opened it up. He took two bites and put it in the fridge. 6 hours later, I'm hungry and it's still there, he's napping. Do I have legit rights to it or would it be a dick move?

Fuck and yes, you do. You paid for it, and that asshole couldn't even be bothered to sit and eat it with you like a proper friend? It's yours. Eat it and then belch in his ungrateful face.

Matt:

What are your thoughts on jerking off while your driving? I am a huge fan of doing said action, but my friends always bust my balls (pun intended). They say it's real sketchy and that other motorists will see me. The thing is, whenever a driver passes me, I just pretend like I'm looking for something in my pocket and nobody gets wise. Please let me know how you feel.

I have done this while driving a handful of times, but only when out on the highway, with no traffic blockages. You're going one speed, there's constant passing, etc. Doing it in the middle of urban traffic? That's fucking repugnant and you should be jailed.

I feel very proud of myself after a highway jerk. Very productive.

Chester Chodums:

Looking at that brazilian tumblr site gave me an idea: Can you rank the varying degrees of NSFW content? NSFW where? What if I work on the set of a porn movie? What if I teach kindergarten? What if I have my own office? What if 23 people can see my computer at any given moment? What's pretty safe for work unless you have an uptight boss. What's kind of safe for work? What's risky but worth it, as long as you time it right? What's brazen and bold and could get you in some trouble? And what's absolutely, positively not to be viewed except in the privacy of your own closet at 3 a.m.?

NSFW just doesn't cut it, and everyone seems to have a different idea of what that is. Movies have ratings. Links to content need more shading and definition as well.

I concur. You'll notice a lot of guys toss in the EXTREMELY NSFW warning when it's hardcore porn you're about to click on. That helps. But otherwise, I suggest we make like the TV ratings and add suffixes that indicate content.

NSFWL – NSFW language. Believe it or not, some offices frown on even bad language on sites. Fucking commies.

NSFWSN – NSFW soft nudity

NSFWHN – NSFW hard nudity

NSFWT – NSFW thong

NSFWCC – NSFW cheesecake (not nudity, but bikinis and lingerie and what not)

NSFWF – NSFW fisting

Parker:

I may be the only person who was happy to have the Favre cam Sunday, as I was stuck in the university library, but was stil able to pull the Favre cam up and get Fox's live game audio at no charge. It was the only thing that saved me from my personal hell of studying all goddamn day.

Fair enough.

Eric:

You're wrong about Randy Lerner. He wants people to think he gives a shit about the Browns, but he really doesn't. He cares more about how people see him as the owner of the team. Given Dan Snyder's nationwide humiliation, it's easy to see Lerner trying to escape the same fate even though his team is by a wide margin shittier.

He probably paid Mike Randall to say nice things about him and BS that he was paying attention to his ideas to give fans the false idea that the franchise is doing OK (and so they continue to pay to see a 1-15 team).

Fair enough again. I was out of turn being nice to Randy Lerner, given what the Browns have done to you over the past decade. He says he wants to bring in Ernie Accorsi, Mike Holmgren, or Ron wolf to fix this thing. If he fails to get any of those men, then I think you're right to go poop on his lawn.

Greg:

I have a question about Thanksgiving etiquette. This year, I'm going to a large gathering of my girlfriend's family - we've been together over a year and I've been to a few gatherings before so I'm not concerned with the "new boyfriend" awkwardness. What I am concerned with is the availability of dark meat and skin at the serving table.

As you know, these are precious commodities and could possibly end up in short supply. In past years, when I've either been at home or a small gathering with my own family and/or friends, I have no reservations about filling my plate with as many of these juicy delicious pieces as possible (Aside: Ever "accidentally" drop a piece into the moat of grease surrounding the turkey before delivering to your plate? I highly recommend it.). (Ed note: Yup.) Anyway, my question is, what's my best strategy for loading up on these wonderful pieces of turkey flesh without looking like a fucking douchebag?

I too agree that there's never enough dark meat and skin. And I've noticed, over the years, that more and more of my family members have grown wise to the fact that the dark meat tastes incredible and the white meat tastes boring as shit. Thus, the scramble becomes even more fierce. We need to breed turkeys that have triple-sized legs and thighs for this reason. They already bioengineer the living shit out of these things, so I say we go even further in making these Frankenbirds as much of an affront to God as possible.

For now, I suggest simply waiting until your girlfriend's mom tells you to fill your plate (and she will insist you do this at some point). "Oh, Greg! Greg, get some food!" Then, load up all you like. I suggest keeping all your food within the boundaries of the plate rim. That way, it appears modest. Also, load up on meat before anything else. If you need to sacrifice taking extra stuffing for now, do so. You can always go back to come out even later.

Dave:

Ever take a piss with khaki pants on, and you try and get the last few dribbles out, but then you zip up only to realize its bled through your brown pants? Now everyone can see you clearly just pissed and you have to try to cover it up with your hand when you see a co-worker in the hall. Annoying.

Yep. Happens ALL THE FUCKING TIME to me. Usually before a job interview. Then you gotta do that thing where you take your hand and rub the shit out of the spot until it's hand-dried. Brutal. I'm a terrible dribbler. Sometimes I'll finish pissing and half a pint leaks right out and down into the grundle of my boxers. No warning. Just BOOM. Instant wetness. It's the worst thing ever. I am broken. I need a cock cinch.

Chris:

I went to the University of Arizona for undergrad and we had a Chipotle right off campus that my friends and I would frequent at least once a day.

Back when we were freshman in 2002, for $5 you could get an overstuffed burrito with unlimited hot sauce and it would fill you up from lunch until it was time to drink. I had a pretty solid system for getting the most out of my buck too - when the person behind the aisle would ask what kind of meat I'd like, I'd say Chicken, and then as he was scooping a gratuitous amount of supple bird onto my tortilla, I'd quickly change my mind and say Steak, forcing him to just say fuck it cuz he's a Chipotle worker and just go ahead and double meat that baby free of charge. Then I'd ask for every veggie available, which would force the tortilla roller lady to use two tortillas to encase my entire meal. So when I'd sit down, I'd unwrap my meats and veggies, equally dispersing the ingredients into two tortillers, and voila, I'd have 2 burritos for the price of one.

Chris, you sir, are a genius. Everyone take notes. We have much to learn from this very fat and thrifty young man.

Anonymous:

Has their ever been anyone more perverted in sports than mascots? I don't know if you've ever heard these fuckers talk, but I'm pretty sure that they feel dressing up like an animal is THE SHIT, and therefore gives them an excuse to talk dirty in public. I can't how many times I've heard Testudo (University of Maryland), tell a girl he'll only take a picture with them because they've got such a fine ass, and then squeeze it. The worst part? He gets away with it! They giggle! Any explanations?

They're like animated programming. You get away with murder when you look cartoonish. Also, you have more license to act like a filthy lech when you're willing to dress up in a ridiculous outfit. Girls immediately label you as extroverted and fun if you're an asshole in am ascot suit. Is the Maryland mascot really named Testudo? Jesus. Patting asses is nothing. He should be dry humping spectators with a name like that.

Kevin:

How many times do you read over an important email to proof-read it? Isn't there always that one error you want to take back after getting a reply or re-reading it after sending? You can read it 4503 times and still find that error after you hit the send button.

Yep. I can look at a document 700 times and still miss at least five glaring typos. But I hardly think it matters in this day and age. Sometimes I see typos in my email now and just leave them, because I know no one gives a shit. And that is why this world is GOING TO HECK IN A HANDBASKET.

Krampus:

Follow up question to Shane's story about rooting against your school: How do you feel about people who obsess about a college team when they never even went to college? I'm sure this is rampant in SEC country, but my personal experience is with people from Connecticut who won't shut up about UConn basketball - men's or women's. Calm down, fuck face, you have no stake in these proceedings. (Confession: I went to a Catholic school with no football team, and thus casually root for Notre Dame. But I don't get emotional about it.)

Yeah. That is weird. I guess it makes some sense in Connecticut, which has no professional team representation. But if you're firing up the RV and heading out to a Tennessee game with giant orange banners flying from your roof, and you went to Marist, that's a little weird. But what if you were too stupid to get into one of those schools? Or what if you got a scholarship to Harvard despite loving Tennessee your whole life? I guess it's okay. Or something. I dunno. All I know is that you're a douche if you root for Notre Dame, no matter what. FUCK YOU BUDDY.

Dan:

I absolutely love jalapenos on my food, but the fire shits that follow cause me to avoid them whenever possible. Is there some trick to easing the discomfort/pain of crapping molten lava or do I just have to keep denying myself sweet jalepeno goodness whenever possible?

I think taking a Zantac or Pepcid before you eat may help. I too wrestle with the choice between delicious spicy food and knowing my asshole will bear the brunt of punishment for it. And you know what? My asshole loses that argument every time. Every time. It doesn't matter how vehement its argument is. DON'T DO IT, MAN! I'LL BE VOMITING UP BROWN FILTH ALL DAY LONG! No matter. Must… have… chili cheesesteak…

Timmy:

You're completely right about the waterless urinals, they fucking suck. The one exception is the visitor's center on Assateague Island in Virginia. Your piss makes interesting little designs there, and it is mesmerizing and beautiful.

Not unlike the brook trout described at the end of "The Road". Maps and mazes. Of a piss that could not be made right again.

Prosecutors have vowed to proceed anyway. The San Francisco Chronicle explains:

Villalona, 19 - who three years ago became the most expensive minor-leaguer ever signed by the Giants, at $2.1 million - still faces a charge that he shot a man to death in September in a wild bar fight in his hometown of La Romana, Dominican Republic. But the no-bail hold he had been under was relaxed because the family and prosecutor have not been able to pin a motive for the shooting on Villalona, Cedano [Jose Arturo Cevallos Cedano, Villalona's lawyer] said.

"Angel was just there with a friend," Cedano said. "There was no evidence that he did the shooting."

Prosecutor Jose Antonio Polanco, however, told The Chronicle the only thing that has changed in the case is that the victim's family signed a waiver saying it will not file civil charges against Villalona.

"We are continuing the prosecution," he said. "The agreement is only on civil charges, not criminal."

The Chronicle, incidentally, puts the figure at 5 million pesos, which is closer to $140,000. Diario Libre says 2 million. With the family bought off, it's not clear how much of a case prosecutors will have left if this ever comes to trial. Nor is it clear how the Giants will handle Villalona in the seemingly likely event that he's exonerated. Fellow Giants farmhand Garrett Broshuis isn't too comfortable with the situation:

I wanted to believe my teammate was innocent. I wanted something to come forward to exonerate him. I wanted to see him walk out of prison a free man. But not like this. This just smells like rotten sushi, and nobody likes rotten sushi.

Unseemly though it may be, a payoff like this one is fairly common. It's happened with another ballplayer, in fact. Perhaps you recall the precedent established in Juan Uribe v. Two Dudes Who Got Way Too Close to Juan Uribe's Jeep?

Giants' prospect makes bail [San Francisco Chronicle]
Libertan a Villalona tras compensar madre joven muerto con RD$2.0 millones [Diario Libre]
Villalona: paying off a family? [Life in the Minors]

Daulerio will never admit this, and I probably shouldn't, but on January 23, 2003, we, along with fellow Black Table editor Eric Gillin, a Boston guy, stayed up to watch the debut of "The Jimmy Kimmel Show." We did this solely because Bill Simmons was a writer for the show. I'm not sure what we were expecting to see: Late-night talk shows aren't in the habit of giving guest appearances to lower-tier writers in their first episodes. (The show was a mess: This is back when they were openly drinking on set, and it was chaos. I think at one point, Kimmel tried to deep fat fry a ventriloquist dummy while "guest" Adam Corolla plaintively attempted to remind a piss-drunk Kimmel that "YOU ARE ON TELEVISION RIGHT NOW.") But it felt important somehow. A television show smart enough to hire Bill Simmons to write for them, well, that was something we couldn't miss. We felt like we knew him.

It's easy to forget this now, now that sports blogs are everywhere, now that Simmons is as much of an establishment figure as Chris Berman, now that the man produces his own television show, but back when he first came to ESPN, in 2001, he seemed like a revolutionary figure. I remember working in a doctor's office in May 2001 and reading his Is Roger Clemens the Antichrist? column. (I was not familiar with his Boston Sports Guy work.) I couldn't believe someone was getting away with this. Today, phrases like "kicked in the gonads," "this was the musical equivalent of U2 asking for a contract extension from their record company on the heels of "Zooropa" and "Pop")" and "looking like he was auditioning for the 'Chris Farley Story'" are familiar Simmons tropes: Everyone writes like that now. But not in 2001. In 2001, Skip Bayless was the "hip" columnist at Page 2. The other column I vividly remember from the period was Simmons' guide to the Atlanta Gold Club trial, which featured graphic descriptions of Patrick Ewing receiving oral sex from two women and this immortal aside:

During [Andruw] Jones's susbsequent testimony, the prosecutor asked which of the women Jones had sex with, and Jones answered, "Both of them," adding, "to tell you the truth, I wouldn't remember one of their faces right now." One of my personal favorite quotes from the trial.

What Simmons was doing was so different from what anyone else was doing that it didn't even seem to be the same medium. They were letting him do this? (Eventually, they would stop, somewhat: That Gold Club column got a solid scrubbing from ESPN back in 2007.) Other sportswriters hated Simmons immediately, ostensibly because of those tired Doesn't Sit In The Press Box arguments, but mostly because he was connecting with people, he was proving that the empty Verse Chorus Verse of the inverted pyramid and Fire The Manager! wasn't going to cut it anymore. Simmons was talking about sports the way people actually talked about sports. It's no wonder he was so disliked by the insiders and so embraced — tentatively at first, like a viral meme that spread, have you seen this guy? — by the masses. He gave hope for a lot of people — including, yeah, me, and Daulerio, and Gillin — that maybe the landscape for this shit, maybe it existed.

That turned, of course. It always does. Eventually the obsessives began carping — I think the Red Sox winning the World Series in 2004 was when the minor Bill Simmons Is A Douche! movement began — and the mainstream folks, unable to deny his success any longer, began meeting him halfway, featuring him above everyone else on the site and encouraging their own writers to impersonate him. (That Rick Reilly sits next to Simmons on ESPN.com's front page today is wonderfully surreal: No one's reputation as Sports Wit suffered more from Simmons' ascendance than Reilly. He morphed from Jim Murray to Henny Youngman, seemingly in a matter of weeks.) Sports blogs blew up, including this one, sites that put the Establishment (whatever that was) in their crosshairs and started firing, ultimately blasting in every possible direction, no matter what got hit. Inevitably, Simmons would become a target. He was the biggest name — to us, anyway. But even in those attacks, sometimes justified, sometimes not, there was always a little bit held back. After all, everyone still read Simmons: No matter how many Karate Kid and Teen Wolf references there were, you still always read him. You still took him seriously, even if it were to trash him. Nobody does that with Jay Mariotti, or Bayless, or Reilly. (Honestly, when's the last time you seriously read anything by those guys?) They're easily dismissed. They've been mailing in their work for a decade. No one has ever accused Simmons of that.

A large part of Simmons' appeal has always been that sense that you knew him, that somehow you were invested in his success. Malcolm Gladwell and Chuck Klosterman will sell more books in their lifetime than Simmons, but people don't wait in lines spanning around the block just to have them sign their book like they do for Simmons. (A search for photos of Simmons brings up hundreds of shots of him posing with fans.) People want to know what his wife's like — type "Bill Simmons" into Google, and the second hit is "Bill Simmons wife," and the fourth is "Bill Simmons wife picture" — and what his kids are like and whether he's different in Los Angeles than he was in Boston. This is all absurd, of course. The guy types into a computer at a coffee shop all day. But it's what fans have always done with Simmons, even those who purport to hate him. Simmons turned into an indie rock band from the early '90s. "He's hanging out with Jimmy Kimmel and Matt Damon now? SELLOUT!" We treated Simmons like he was a guy from our neighborhood who made it big, like it was important that he remember the little people who got him there. In a way, he kind of was.

Now there he is, atop the New York Times Bestseller list, as establishment a pedestal as one can imagine. Simmons did something incredibly rare, particularly in our fractured, niche media world: He made the culture come to him. His triumph is his own, but, in a strange way, it feels like a victory for all of us. The sports culture needed changing, and Simmons is walking evidence that it can, and did. Somewhere out there, there's a college student with a viewpoint different than everyone else, and he/she will show up and change everything too, exposing Simmons (and the rest of us) the way he did to Reilly. That'll happen again. Thank heavens. Good ideas win out. Perseverance and new perspectives break through. The old rots and washes away. Sometimes the good guys win.

(Photo via this outstanding Flickr set.)

Safin told L'Equipe that if Agassi is trying to clear his conscience because he lied to the ATP to get out of a failed drug test, then wouldn't it make more sense to give back the money that the ATP allowed him to win by not banning him from the sport? And maybe all of his Grand Slam titles? Or, alternatively, he could just go on selling his books.

"I won't write my biography. I do not need any money. The question is: why did he do it?" Safin said. "What's done is done. He hopes to sell more books. But he is completely stupid!"

"I do not defend the ATP (Association of Tennis Professionals) but what he said put them in a bad position. ATP allowed him to win a lot of tournaments, to make a lot of money. They kept his secret so why be so cruel with them? There are times you need to be able to shut up."

Give Safin credit for not pretending that crystal meth helped Agassi win anything and for correctly pointing out that this "confession" does come a little too late to serve anyone accept Agassi's publisher. On the other hand, it's not his fault that the ATP bought the lamest excuse in the history of drug testing. Forget Grand Slams. Agassi deserves an Oscar for pulling that one off.

Safin latest to criticize Agassi [CBC]
Feeling guilty? Give the money back, Safin tells Agassi [Reuters]