Listen, can you hear it? A faint whisper grows louder. “The Cubbies could use another bat on the bench.” it says. “Why not trade for Andrew McCutchen?”

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That’s right, my friends, it is almost Unbearable Trade Rumor Season, the time of year when baseball fans, radio callers, and hometown columnists go about inventing increasingly ridiculous trade rumors. I have a feeling this season is going to be especially bad, because the Chicago Cubs represent a fresh canvas on which these inanities can be splattered.

We’ve seen some dink at the Boston Globe posit that the Red Sox are about to raid every team in the league of at least two All-Stars a thousand times already, but now that the Cubs are finally good, there’s a whole fresh crop of pundits and fans who can finally get in on the action. There is a direct correlation between a team’s performance and the insufferability of the rumors that get floated. The Cubs are very, very good, which is how we get former Chicago Tribune and current MLB.com columnist Phil Rogers telling us that “the rumors are true,” and that Cubs want to acquire Aroldis Chapman and Andrew Miller from the Yankees.

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What a crazy trade, right? Miller and Chapman are two of the best relief pitchers in the game, and it would be pretty wild for the Yanks to ship both of them out as part of the same deal. But Rogers insists that the rumors are true! He must have some top-notch sources:

Or how about this? Both Miller and Chapman, in the same deal.

Yes, Miller and Chapman in the same deal. I’d guarantee you that the Cubs will at least explore that, assuming the Yankees get to the point where they are willing to make them available.

Hoooold on a goddamn second. It sure sounds like you just invented the possibility of that trade in your head, Phil! Or maybe you got the idea from the New York Post?

With MLB’s First-Year Player Draft completed, the trade market will gather some momentum — and the Cubs created a buzz this week.

Scout Jason Parks was at Yankee Stadium, and according to industry sources, he was looking at the trio of Dellin Betances, Andrew Miller and Aroldis Chapman.

Right. So the Post reports a Cubs scout was spotted at a Yankees game, and now Chicago is totally ready to trade for two blue-chip relief pitchers. (Or three!) If any sports radio hosts would like someone to come on the air and discuss this impending blockbuster, hit me up.

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Photo via AP