Deadspin: Balls Deep

The Sad Story Of The Sorority Girl, The Scrappy Guard, And The Law That Came Between Them

Drew Magary — Fri, 10 Feb 2012 14:52:06 EST

Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go. More »

The Beauty Of The Post-Coital Super Bowl Afterglow

Drew Magary — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 14:20:04 EST

Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed. Photo illustration by Jim Cooke. Photo by Kzenon/Shutterstock. More »

Rodney Harrison Is An Idiot. Let Rob Gronkowski Dance!

Drew Magary — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 13:41:40 EST

You may have seen this video of Pats tight end Rob Gronkowski and tackle Matt Light, fresh off of losing the Super Bowl, doing what I would be probably be doing if I just lost the biggest game of my life: getting shitfaced, dancing shirtless, and trying to get laid. But of course, Rodney Harrison doesn't approve of such nonsense: More »

I Hung Out With Dukebags And Discovered The Greatest Value In The History Of Drunken Eating

Drew Magary — Thu, 09 Feb 2012 12:20:36 EST

I went down to the Research Triangle area of North Carolina last week. This is the area comprising Durham, Chapel Hill, and Raleigh. It's a very pretty area, surrounded by tall trees that are so perfectly spaced out it's almost as if the entire forest were landscaped. And the forest floor itself is pristine, with barely any underbrush cluttering up the place. You can walk right into the woods and start smoking weed any time you like. It's the perfect spot for getting stoned in the woods. It's also the perfect spot for getting shitfaced and drinking milkshakes. More »

Can Farts Be Recreated?

Drew Magary — Tue, 07 Feb 2012 14:20:00 EST

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're covering unwanted blowjobs, bestiality, homeless fapping, and more. More »

Eli Manning: Stop Wearing T-Shirts Over Your Shoulder Pads

Drew Magary — Mon, 06 Feb 2012 15:59:18 EST

I'm really happy for Eli Manning and all, especially since he just beat America's Most Dominant Sports City for the second time and sent Shank into his usual round of rectal self-examination. But someone needs to explain to this man that he'll never stop being treated like a 12-year-old from a Sunny D commercial if he keeps rocking the t-shirt-over-pads combo every time he wins a title. More »

Cockblocked By Blood!

Drew Magary — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 15:50:00 EST

Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go. More »

How To Care For A Bleeding Child

Drew Magary — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 14:50:21 EST

I have two children, and they are remarkably adept at hurting themselves. They bash into tables, chairs, doors, shelves, bedposts, pits filled with poisonous spikes, etc. One time my daughter was running around with a mirror, tripped, fell, and put her head through the mirror, shattering it to pieces. I probably shouldn't have let her run around with a mirror. That may have been unwise. More »

Twitter Is Now The Most Important Part Of The NFL Viewing Experience

Drew Magary — Thu, 02 Feb 2012 14:20:00 EST

Coming To Grips With Your Sexless Adulthood

Drew Magary — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 14:20:00 EST

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're covering fap taxes, GNR, Joe Paterno's sex life, and more. More »

Cockblocked By Racial Stereotypes!

Drew Magary — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 14:30:53 EST

Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go. More »

A Treasure Trove Of Bat-Killing Stories For Your Super Bowl Bye Week

Drew Magary — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 14:20:39 EST

Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed. More »

Parents: Don't Put Any Goddamn Candy In The Goodie Bag

Drew Magary — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 16:00:52 EST

I go to a lot of children's birthday parties. These parties are virtually identical. You go to a gym, you take off your kid's shoes, you hand your kid over to the 19-year-old girl making $6 an hour and wearing a bright red or blue shirt with the name of the gym on it (PLAY ZONE! GYMTASTIC! BALLS AND SHIT!), then you get the hell out of there to shop for liquor and come back 90 minutes later to retrieve your child. You get your hour and a half of quiet shopping time, and the birthday girl's parents get to pay $200 for the privilege of not having to clean up after 22 unruly children. No muss, no fuss. Unless there's candy in the goodie bag. More »

How To Lose Weight Without Wanting To Kill Yourself

Drew Magary — Tue, 24 Jan 2012 14:20:26 EST

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're covering spiders, memory erasing, headaches, and more. More »

Cockblocked By Gum!

Drew Magary — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 14:20:57 EST

Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go. More »

The Patriot Way Is Now A Load Of Shit

Drew Magary — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 14:20:00 EST

Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed. More »

9 Things I Learned In The Parent Encouragement Program, AKA Shitty Parents Anonymous

Drew Magary — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 14:20:15 EST

The Parent Encouragement Program is a series of classes and workshops that are available to parents living in the D.C. area. The introductory class is free, and so I went a couple of weeks ago, because it didn't cost anything and because I need all the help I can get. The title of the workshop was "Why Don't My Kids Listen To Me?" On that premise alone, I'd say roughly three billion people could have stood to attend. I grabbed a pen and a big legal pad for taking notes, and I went to go learn how to not be a terrible father. More »

Could A Barefoot QB Succeed In The NFL?

Drew Magary — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 14:20:38 EST

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're covering revenge, more Presidential sexiness, and more. More »

Joe Paterno Wants Us To Believe He Has Never Heard Of "Rape And A Man." Joe Paterno Is Full Of Shit.

Drew Magary — Mon, 16 Jan 2012 10:38:20 EST

Sally Jenkins of the Washington Post scored a precious exclusive interview with Joe Paterno last week and summarily pissed away the opportunity by deploying every tired Paterno cliche that gives Joe Posnanski an erection. He's lived in the same house for dickety-two years! He turned down the Pats because he loved Penn State! His mom didn't want him marrying a German broad! MAMMA MIA, THAT'S A SPICY MEATBALL! More »

Great Moment In Naked Condom Runs

Drew Magary — Fri, 13 Jan 2012 16:50:46 EST

Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go. More »

Does The Cialis Couple Bang On That Ferris Wheel? (And Other Matters)

Drew Magary — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 14:20:00 EST

Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed. More »

What If Tim Tebow Were Gay? Your Hypothetical Tebow Questions, Answered

Drew Magary — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 14:20:00 EST

We get a lot of questions at the Deadspin Funbag, but the question we were asked most often during this NFL season was some variation of the following: More »

Can You Abandon A Comatose Girlfriend Or Boyfriend?

Drew Magary — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 14:20:38 EST

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're covering colors, ticker withdrawal, radios, and more. More »

Cockblocked By Cam Newton!

Drew Magary — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 14:20:00 EST

Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go. More »

If You Don't Like Bacon On Your Hamburger, Then Screw You

Drew Magary — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 13:00:10 EST

Let's talk about hamburgers for moment, because they're delicious. They're big and moist, and when that little mixture of beefy juices and ketchup runoff goes sliding down your hand and you quickly lick it up like a porn star—well now that's quite a moment. And you know what makes a hamburger even better? BACON. Which is why I'm consistently baffled as to why two of the three most-acclaimed burger chains in America today (Five Guys, In-N-Out, Shake Shack) don't offer bacon on your hamburger. More »

The Entire NFL Challenge System Needs To Be Destroyed

Drew Magary — Thu, 05 Jan 2012 14:20:40 EST

Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed. More »

We Simulated The NFL White Vs. Black Race Bowl On Madden So You Don't Have To

Drew Magary — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 16:31:55 EST

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Earlier this week, reader Dustin asked who would win between an all-white NFL All-Pro team and an all-black NFL All-Pro team. Mind you, this question was asked without ANY ROOTING INTEREST, and without any hint of RAYCESSNESS. Are we clear on that? Good. BECAUSE WE TOTALLY SIMULATED THAT RACE WAR ON MADDEN TO SEE WHO WOULD WIN. More »

All-White NFL All-Star Team Vs. All-Black NFL All-Star Team: WHO YA GOT?!

Drew Magary — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 14:20:23 EST

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're covering shower sex, doing laundry, polygamy, and more. More »

2011: The Year We Became The United States Of Trolling

Drew Magary — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 14:30:00 EST

Well, that about wraps up yet another shitty year of the new millennium. I don't know about you, but I personally can't wait to see what future shitty years have in store: rising water prices, a sharp growth in armed RoHoWa militias, a new Pitbull album ... everything shitty is on the table, people. More »

Never Hook Up In A Bunk Bed

Drew Magary — Fri, 30 Dec 2011 13:15:05 EST

Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase four heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go. More »

A Holiday Public-Urination Story To Warm Your Heart

Drew Magary — Thu, 29 Dec 2011 14:20:00 EST

Fuck You, Charlie Brown

Drew Magary — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 14:05:45 EST

Every year you watch A Charlie Brown Christmas, and every year you come away depressed. You're a real asshole, Charlie Brown. Originally published Dec. 9, 2010. Read Tom Scocca's counterpoint: "Charlie Brown Is Bigger Than Jesus." More »

Christmas Hype Will Drive Your Children To Insanity

Drew Magary — Wed, 21 Dec 2011 10:00:24 EST

Christmas is four days away. I know this because my kids have been counting down the days since, I dunno, LAST goddamn Christmas. Children have boring lives. They have to go to school all day. They have to listen to adults tell them what to do. They can't watch porn. It blows. Christmas is one of the few bright spots in a child's existence, and waiting for it essentially destroys their brain. More »

White People Should Never Do Hip-Hop Karaoke

Drew Magary — Tue, 20 Dec 2011 14:50:30 EST

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's new book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're covering bargains, pooping in thongs, hip hop karaoke, and more. More »

Lovesick College Kid Turns Down Historic Lay

Drew Magary — Fri, 16 Dec 2011 14:20:20 EST

Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go. More »

Why People Who Hate Tim Tebow Hate Tim Tebow

Drew Magary — Thu, 15 Dec 2011 14:20:15 EST

Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Buy Drew's new book, The Postmortal, through here. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed. More »

The Postmortal Live Holiday Funbag

Drew Magary — Tue, 13 Dec 2011 13:00:00 EST

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Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's new book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're doing it live. More »

Cockblocked By Peanut Butter Cups!

Drew Magary — Fri, 09 Dec 2011 15:40:39 EST

Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go. More »

The Great NFL Migration Is About To Begin

Drew Magary — Thu, 08 Dec 2011 14:20:49 EST

Confessions Of A Terrible Father; Or, How To Fight That Urge To Put Your Kid Through A Wall

Drew Magary — Wed, 07 Dec 2011 10:25:32 EST

I got an email this week from a reader named Chris that made me think about the times when parenthood can leave you a shriveled-up, emotional wreck of a human being. This was his email. More »