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Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go. More »
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People ... this video. THIS VIDEO. I don't even know what to say. Reader Kenneth attempts to provide context: More »
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When we last left the Ginger Hammer, he was sending Gregg Williams to the bad corner and proving, once and for all, that violence has no place in football. And today, Roger Goodell has yet taken yet another step in showing the world that HE MEANS GINGER BUSINESS when it comes to player safety. Pending NFLPA approval, the league will now mandate that all players wear leg and thigh pads, something Goodell has long been pushing for. Back in January 2011, he got one of his meat puppets, Chris Mortensen, to frame the initiative precisely as he wanted it phrased: More »
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Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're covering Skittles, sex offenders, cockroaches, and more. More »
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Do me a favor right now: Drive out to your local exurb. Now, find the nearest Cheesecake Factory in that exurb, walk up to the bar, and try and spot the 40-year-old fellow wearing pleated chinos, loafers, and a button-down shirt with his real-estate company's logo on it. You see that guy? THAT is Rick Reilly's audience. THAT is the kind of bland, formless American male who falls right in ESPN's comedic sweet spot. Do you like shitty golf jokes? If you're that guy, you do. And oh, does Reilly have shitty golf jokes for you. This is his new column. An editor in 2012 read this column and approved it for publication: More »
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Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go. More »
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I have a newborn son. He needs to be fed eight times a day. Each session of feeding him takes roughly 30 minutes, 20 if I'm lucky. I am usually not lucky. That's four hours of the day dedicated to sitting in a chair with a bottle, begging the baby to drink faster. A newborn's life is dedicated to sleeping and eating, but you would be shocked at how incompetent they can be when it comes to both those tasks. Here now is brief guide to everything you need to know about feeding a newborn. More »
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I got this letter from Funbag reader Anthony, which seemed rather timely: More »
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I interviewed Justin Bieber for GQ—Bieber had just turned 18, so they sent me to Los Angeles to try to make a man out of him—and one of the strange things about his life is that he seems to be surrounded by adults at all times. He arrived at the studio surrounded by adults. His two closest friends are much older than him. This is not normal for an 18-year-old. When you're 18, you're usually hanging out with your peers, either at school or smoking weed in the alley behind the Red Lobster. The adults you encounter are usually authority figures: parents, teachers, your boss at Dick's Sporting Goods, etc. And most of them are assholes to you. More »
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Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're covering mauling deaths, banana salad, immortal quarterbacks, and more. More »
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Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase four heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go. More »
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I had a long drive home the night that I found out my son was in grave danger of being born too early. Not long in the sense of distance, but long in an existential way, the way that a minute spent waiting in a dentist's office is far longer than a minute spent hooking up with someone for the first time (SO EXCITING). I had no choice but to leave my wife's bedside in the hospital; we had two other children at home, and my wife said that if I had stayed at the hospital, we would have just made each other cry all night long because we feared for our son's life. So I got in my car, cried into the steering wheel for a few minutes, and then turned the ignition and started the drive home. More »
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Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're covering pie sex, musical terrorists, death hawks, and more. More »
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Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase four heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go. More »
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We're getting close to graduation time, which means that it's time for America's college students and freeloading grad students to undertake the ultimately fruitless quest of begging corporate America for gainful employment. If you've ever searched for a job, you know what a mortifying experience this can be, and Funbag reader Max took issue with one particular aspect of it: More »
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If you've hung out around this site in the past, you know that we consider ESPN fartsniffer Gregg Easterbrook to be a haughty dipshit. When Easterbrook isn't spending inches of column space attacking the plot holes in an episode of Human Target (He does just that this week, which is timely!), he's indulging in his favorite activity: Namely, sussing out the "glory boys" in life from their scrappy, gritty, third-string counterparts. More »
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Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're covering paper towels, EMT poops, double penises, and more. More »
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Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase four heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go. More »
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Drew Magary's Thursday Afternoon NFL Dick Joke Jamboroo runs every Thursday during the NFL season. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Find more of his stuff at his Twitter feed. More »
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Last month, I got an email from a guy who works Lightning games at the Tampa Bay Times Forum. Our informant was piss drunk and looking for a place to vent about his job. It will shock and stun you to learn that stadium arenas do not operate like they did on that one Matthew Perry sitcom. I'll let our anonymous stadium guide provide the details. More »
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Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're covering audio books, murder weapons, heel clicking, and more. More »
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I went to get my hair cut the other day. I meant to get it cut a month earlier, but my wife went into early labor and had a kid and the kid had to stay in the NICU forever and there's no good time in the middle of all that to be like, "Excuse me, guys. Daddy needs some time for Daddy at the beauty parlor." As a result, my hair got big, and I passed that murky threshold where you go from wanting a haircut to saying FUCK IT and seeing how long your gorgeous, flowing locks can grow. I wish I had the balls to grow my hair out for a period of, like, two full years. I always get images in my head of what my gruff biker hair would look like, with random women walking by wanting to stroke it. But then I remember that growing your hair long results in dandruff. Endless, repulsive dandruff, as I quickly found. You could have staged a nativity scene with my flakes. It was terrifying. More »
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I was one of those Internet people who participated in the rebranding of Ron Artest when he arrived in L.A. a couple years ago. I wrote a sidebar to this Maxim article that branded Artest as the NBA's most lovable goofball, an article included bullshit quotes like this one from Phil Jackson: More »
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Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase four heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go. More »
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Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're covering cannibalism, old internet porn, free refills, and more. More »
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When the baby cried, I knew it wasn't gonna die. They had just pulled my son out of my wife and whisked him over to one of those fancy hotel pans that you put newborns in, and there was a brief moment when he said nothing, which you don't want. You want the baby to cry. You want confirmation that the child can take air in its lungs and then blow it back out. You want the baby to cry the first time. After that, you want it to be quiet so you can get some goddamn sleep, but the first cry matters. The first cry means it's gonna live. So it cried, and then I did. I cried and cried until it felt like my face was gonna split open. I yelled out, "He's crying!" to my wife, and after that everything was all right. More »
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I've had a bad week. Not just a normal bad week, where you stub your toe and your DVR forgets to record Best Sex Ever or something like that. I mean, a legitimate bad week, where your loved ones are hospitalized and you crash your car into an illegal immigrant while going TO the hospital to visit your loved ones. That kind of bad week: the kind that stays with you for a very, very long time. More »
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Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go. More »
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Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're covering celebrity sex lives, Whoopi Goldberg's vagina, and more. More »
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Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go. More »
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Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're covering flying, alien sex, field goals, and more. More »
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I was hanging out with a friend yesterday, and at some point during our conversation, we both agreed that the epidemic of American brosephs "crushing" and "killing" things has gotten way out of hand. More »
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Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go. More »
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Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're covering warts, human ratings, dead kids, and more. More »
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I took the SAT a grand total of one time when I was in dipshit prep school. This was 1993. Like any other kid, I wanted to do well on the test, primarily so that I would NEVER have to take it again, but also because kids at my school were real dicks about their SAT scores. You'd hear through the grapevine about other kids who aced the test, and all that test gossip resulted in an great deal of fear and paranoia about your own performance. It was horrible. If you can, avoid going to high school altogether. More »
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Whether or not you agree with an NFL team handing a potential $60 million in guarantees to a guy who has neck leprosy, I think that we can come to a consensus on one thing: John Elway has really big balls. HUGE balls. Balls the size of light bulbs. His balls are so big, you could harvest stem cells from them and plant them inside Peyton Manning's cervical vertebrae to facilitate the healing process. More »
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Welcome to Great Moments in Drunken Hookup Failure, where we showcase three heartwarming true stories of drunken love gone horribly awry. Off we go. More »
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I hate Euro Decals. HATE THEM. They are the fucking scourge of the highways: one goddamn SUV after another with some precious OBX circle sticker planted somewhere above the trunk handle. People like slapping Euro decals on their car because they like letting you know where they spend their leisure time. Oh, do you not summer in KPT? What a pity. Muffy McLuffyburger threw a grand clambake for us all there last weekend! What fun! What joy! DIE. DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE. More »
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By now, you may have already heard of Greg Smith, an executive director at Goldman Sachs who resigned his post today, and did so the way all filthy rich people do: via New York Times op-ed. And the greatest thing about Smith's editorial is that he manages to tuck his entire resume into the column: More »
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Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Find more of Drew's stuff at KSK or on Twitter. Buy Drew's book, The Postmortal, through here. Email the Funbag here. Today, we're covering RGIII, poop, daylight savings, and more. More »
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