Sports are cool but I was not trained in the art of figuring out if one enormous man hit another enormous man in the right or wrong way. I do, however, have years of experience dissecting the wack-ass behavior of celebrities.

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Our celebrity referee match today is between D’Angelo Russell, who was born in 1996 and makes a lot more money than you, and Nick Young, a 30 year-old man who finds nothing wrong with using the word “Swagy” in his Twitter handle.

Players, do you have anything to say for yourselves before the game begins?

Hm, kinda weird because you literally play a game for a living and I once heard you complimenting Iggy Azalea’s music.

If she’s really your girlfriend, she’ll probably just send you those pictures herself, boo. Is she actually your girlfriend, D’Angelo? Best honest.

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FLAG ON THE ICE FIELD.

I just been informed that the judges have thrown down A FLAG ON THE ICE FIELD. They are asking for an immediate disqualification due to the fact that Nick Young calls himself “Swaggy” while not working as a Justin Bieber impersonator.

My ruling is: Whatever.

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Hit ‘em with it, Whit:

Play golf!


First Inning

As part of a “prank war,” D’angelo Russell films his teammate Nick Young discussing a fictional world where he has a chance with Amber Rose. He also talks about cheating on his fiancé, rapping garbage disposal, Iggy Azalea.

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Pretty weak prank from where I’m standing. It might have been funnier if Russell had spliced the footage into an episode of “Bad Boys” or something. This is the big leagues, Russell. Next time, be inspired by a really good prank, like when David Stern and his Oklahoma cowboy friend made an NBA franchise disappear.

Ruling: Chipped it in from twenty yard line


Second Hole

Somehow, the tape is leaked to the entire world and now we know the personal business of people we are all actively trying not to give a shit about. D’Angelo Russell claim he has no idea how the tape leaked.

My guess is, he was trying to impress his Instagram model “girlfriend” by showing her the video and then homegirl sold it, paid her rent for three months and threw in a new pair of red bottoms.

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Do not disparage the participant, disparage the competition as a whole.

Ruling: Goalie catches the ball


Third Set

When the Lakers (a professional basketball team) catch wind of all this, they ice out Russell and are, like super mean to him.

At a recent breakfast meeting, one source said, no Laker would sit with Russell at his table. The source added that, in another instance, Russell came into the locker room and sat next to guard Lou Williams, who got up and walked away.

“It’s bad,” one team source told ESPN.com’s Ramona Shelburne. “It’s about as bad as it can get. There were trust issues already. Now there’s no trust.”

Oooh good move guys. They are fighting like eight grade girls which is brilliant because you ain’t shit until you’ve weathered your first middle school girl fight.

Ruling: Hufflepuff is ahead in the quidditch match


Fourth Hurdle

Swaggy P has yet to make an appearance in this fight but he sent in his designated hitter: A 5' 10" blonde straight outta the Australian barbie whose special skills include speaking in tongues.

In case it wasn’t clear, Iggy is trying to be clever. The problem is, she is not a clever woman.

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Perhaps if she had left out the “Thanks bro” this would have at least been a double hit. But even with the implied sarcasm, thanking him for making you look a damn fool is not a strong move.

Iggy should have just kept her ass on the bench.

Ruling: Nothing but (tennis) net


Is anyone else feeling sluggish? FIFTH INNING STRETCH


Fifth Quarter

At a March 30th game, the Lakers home crowd boos D’angelo Russell.

Lol.

Ruling: Bases loaded triple


Sixth Lap

D’Angelo Russell apologizes in a post-game press conference and looks very sad the entire time.

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This apology was boring as hell but it does include the sentence: “That was just an incident of playing too much,” which almost makes it worth it.

In case you were wondering, Swaggy P does not accept the apology.

Ruling: Single axle


Seventh Inning

Oooh we got a pinch hitter down here in River City, guys! Kobe Bryan speaks about talking to Russell:

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“I had a chance to talk to him earlier today. All I can do is just do my best Yoda impersonations and give him that kind of sage advice, I guess. One day pass, this shall — or something like that.”

All you can do is your best Yoda impersonations? That’s it? Like, ever? Kobe, do you always try to cheer people up with Yoda impersonations? Who told you people like that? Kobe, my man, what? When did you arrive at the conclusion that being spoken to by an elderly green troll is comforting to people? You know most of that advice only really lands when its coming from Yoda, right?

Sir.

Ruling: DeAndre Jordan gets fouled at the 3-point line and only makes one free throw


Eighth Down:

Iggy Azalea is back in the game because OH MY GOD THIS IS EXHAUSTING SOMEBODY THROW ME A GATORADE PLEASE.

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In the midst of this battle royale, Iggy drops a video for her new single, “Team,” and the irony almost makes you feel like none of this can possibly be real.

No wanting to just chill in the dugout, Iggy turns to Twitter. In response to questions about a woman who claims to have proof of Swaggy P’s cheating:

Hm.

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Look, I do feel bad for Iggy here but it needs to be said (and I think this is information we can all take to heart), anyone who voluntarily refers to him or herself as “Swaggy” is almost certainly going to embarrass you somewhere along the road.

Still, Iggy is picking up her game. She shouldn’t have said anything at all, but now that she’s opened her mouth, she’s at least keeping things civilized.

Although, nobody actually believes her indifference .

Girl, I guess.

Ruling: Pop fly that you catch with your face


Ninth Checkpoint

Swaggy P pulls out the ol’ old tweet-and-delete move to express his deep confusion with the world around him.

My oh my salami sandwich. I know it’s a lot, Swaggy. I wouldn’t eat a breakfast bowl from McDonald’s either.

Ruling:


Post-Game Press Conference

Picking a winner here is tough because, truly, all these people are annoying as hell. However, I suppose if it has to be someone, that dishonor goes to Swaggy P. Iggy Azalea still seems interested in marrying him. He’s got his tweet-and-delete move down. Plus, pretty much everyone has taken his side in all this, largely due to our low expectations for NBA players and fidelity. Congrats, Swaggy. I hate you all.


Images via Getty. Gif via Bobby Finger.