A List Of People You May Cross The Street To Avoid

You are walking down the street. Someone is coming at you. Will they hurt you? Kill you? Throw you into a van and molest you? They might! But are you worried enough about it to flee?

There's no better barometer of your internal racism than just which folks you will cross a street to avoid. Mavs owner Mark Cuban spoke openly about this scenario this week, and about how he struggles with his own prejudice. But who's to say it's WRONG to cross the street from a suspicious looking fella? Perhaps you're actually using good judgment! I, for one, don't really give a shit if you're wearing a hoodie when I walk past you. (I wear hoodies and no one has ever accused me of being intimidating.) But if you've got the hood down real tight? And you have your fists balled up in your pockets? And the back of your hoodie says I LIKE TO KILL PEOPLE? I cross. I'm fine with that decision.

Crossing a street takes effort. I'm not crossing the street just for ANY black guy. There needs to be a menacing accessory involved that makes me scared for my precious white body. So, with that in mind, here now is a list of people you can cross the street to avoid without worrying about anyone judging you:

  • Shouting homeless person
  • Homeless person with noticeable poop aroma
  • Biker gang
  • Group of teenagers shouting out WOOT WOOT! and laughing for no reason
  • Scientologists
  • '80s-style soccer hooligans
  • Crust punks with dogs
  • Kids selling candy "for the basketball team"
  • Bachelorette party group
  • Skateboarders (I feel like they will skateboard directly into me at any time)
  • Group of high school kids in varsity jackets
  • Any teenager, really—they all fucking suck
  • Any old man in open-toed shoes with gross feet
  • Methheads
  • Crackheads
  • Baseheads
  • At Halloween, anyone who went ALL OUT to have a really scary, ornate costume
  • Anyone with a face tattoo
  • Massholes
  • SantaCon attendees
  • Hunchbacked old man shambling out of bar
  • Raiders fans
  • Greenpeace volunteers handing out flyers—no, I do not have a minute to save the world
  • Jews For Jesus
  • Police officers (if you are black)
  • Anyone wearing a Guy Fawkes mask
  • Protesters
  • Anyone riding a Rascal scooter that has bumper stickers on it
  • Group of men you saw just making audible catcalls to a woman passing by like it's 1952
  • Yankees fans
  • Anyone coming out of a major sporting event, really
  • Ray Rice

Photo via Getty