Welcome to Tuesday Night Fights, a weekly celebration and analysis of street-fight videos found on YouTube. Tonight's fisticuffs: "Man vs. Car: The Saddest Fight Of All Time." Tonight's commentator: Gary, who fought the car. (Coming next week: A Quezon City ladyfight.)
Gary lives in a pocket of lower-northeast Philadelphia walking distance from the neighborhood in which boxer Danny Garcia was raised.
But this video, shot Sept. 10 in front of the rowhome that Gary and his bride share, is proof that the pugilistic gene did not take that stroll from Juniata Park to Fairhill.
Had it done so, Gary would not have gotten KTFO'd by his wife's Chevy. You'll have to review the fight itself, and reach conclusions, on your own. This, because Gary neither was responsible for any of the 750K+ views on World Star Hip Hop nor does he remember what happened.
As his wife — who was wearing a nightgown around 2 p.m. last Friday — talked to a few neighbors on their adjacent stoop, Gary agreed to review, for a few minutes, his newly found "fame" with the caveat that his last name be withheld.
Oh, he was wearing a T-shirt featuring the slogan "Warning: Might Do Stupid Things At Any Time." And, we didn't broach the topic of his employment situation. Just felt gratuitous, nahmean?
Gary: "Man, it was just one of those nights."
Hickey: "It was bright daylight, Gary."
Gary: "Well, I got an early start."
"Like, what time?"
"10:30. What day of the week was this, a Friday?"
Gary: "Nah. Wednesday. It was Wednesday." (Ed note: It was, per the Philadelphia Police 'hospital call' report.)
"What were you drinking?"
Gary: "Maaaaaaaan, anything and everything. Anything."
"You were yelling about unemployment and other stuff. What was your beef with the car?"
Gary: "I don't even know."
"Fair enough. Looked like you hit your head hard on that concrete. You went to the hospital, right?"
Gary: "Yeah. Went to Temple for a couple hours. They said I had one of those things that football players get."
Gary: "Yeah, a concussion. They had to stitch the back of my head up. Don't know how many stitches."
"You realize this was on World Star Hip Hop and all. Like, a LOT of people saw it."
Gary: "Oh shit. Oh no. No no no no. Oh Jesus."
(points at house across the street): "Them neighbors talking to your wife right now said people over there took the video."
Gary (points at neighbors talking to his wife, who are all laughing throughout the interview from afar): "I think they did." (Ed note: The camera angle speaks to the veracity of Gary's suspicions; the neighbors' voices, however, did not. Supposition: Neighbors across the street crossed over and shot footage from that stoop.)
"Were you knocked out when your head hit the ground?"
Gary: "Out cold. Cold. Unconscious."
"Ah, that sucks. Anyway, what's your message to all the people who seen this video? What do you want them to know?"
Gary: "Leave alcohol alone. Leave. It. Alone. This is all just unbelievable. Unbelievable. Oh Lord no."
"Say Gary, you mind standing next to the car so I can take a picture of you two together?"
Gary: "No, no, no. Don't want anymore of this. Enough is enough."
"No worries, man. Thanks for talking." (Walks over to talk to neighbors and wife)
Gary's wife (walks over to car) "He didn't break the window or anything, but he screwed up the mirror." (points to screwed up mirror; her stance, confirmed)
"Yeah, he's lucky he ain't hurt worse than he is."
Gary's wife: "If I'd have been here when it happened, I'd have killed him! My boss called me the other day, asked, 'You look at YouTube? Your husband's on there. Man fights car.' That's when I saw it. I just hope my son don't see it. He's in Wisconsin."
"Me too, [name redacted], but a lot of people have seen it. Anyway, thanks for talking. Would've been easy just to tell me to get lost."
Gary's wife (laughs, shaking her head): "I gotta get back inside, talk to him."
"I'm just going to take these pictures of your car and head home. Have a great weekend!"
And now, the rest of the Tuesday Night Fights:
• White-On-White Violence Enterlude (Via Norman, Okla.):
• This one is titled "Straight Man Can't Handle Tranny In Tube Top & Dukes!" For once, exclamation points are warranted. World! Star! (Start of Violence, 0:18)
• Presenting "Street fight knocks guy into retardation," a classy title for a classy fight. (SoV, instantly)
• Nina seems to be a fan favorite at this Hollywood and Locust St. dust-up, while hairpulling is clearly frowned upon. (SoV, instantly)
• YouTube uploader writes, "guy gets punched, knocked down, lifted up, slammed back down, kicked in the head twice, knocked out cold. Douchebag onlookers really enjoy the sight and the violence, really get off on it, sickening." YouTube uploader misspells Fremont Street in title; opinions negated. (SoV, 0:08)
• Western Kentucky Rugby Fight Club Intermission:
• Down goes Ponytail via sucka punch. Down goes Ponytail via sucka punch. (SoV, 0:38)
• White girl, you cray. (SoV, 0:52)
• TNF Tipster Justin D. maintains that this here "Fight 6 guys vs 2 in Street fight Downtown Austin Texas" video has never appeared in this space before. Ergo, he'd appreciate its inclusion this week, and he will be obliged. (SoV, 0:07)
• When will the Rancho Girls learn that divided they fall? smdh (SoV, instantly)
• Your "Evidence For Assault" Intermezzo:
• White boys resort to violence in Chicago. One is said to "hate freedom." Hope he got his ass kicked. Freedom fucking rules. (SoV, 0:45)
• Campbellton Road, ATL, Gawguh. Battles. Bring ID for smokes or booze. (SoV, instantly)
• Not sure where El Cero Bar is, but it looks like a warm, friendly place. (SoV, instantly)
• South Pittsburg, Ohio. Represent. (SoV, instantly)
• The Hollywood Blvd. Ladybrawl Live Look-In:
• We start today's look at America's birthplace with a Philly-lady brawl in North Philadelphia coupled with a similar event down in Southwest Philly. (SoV, instantly for both)
• Can't even listen to tunes at the High Street Bar in peace. What kind of world are we living in? (SoV, 0:07)
• Fightin' on the guard rail. Fightin' on the guard rail. (SoV, instantly)
• The Cop Gets Suspended For Laissez Faire Approach To Canal Street Fisticuffs Live Look-In:
• Forgive me if we've seen this swordplay before. Forgive me if we haven't. (SoV, instantly)
• "Russian Horse mating 2013." (SoV, 0:16)
• Just trawling for some brawling, and successfully so. (SoV, 2:22)
• Others: "Fight girl in the room." "Another Montbello Fight." "delaware fight at bar." "Girl Fight East High School." "Girls Fight In Memphis iHOP While One Girl Pretends To Be Dead" (because this one can't be linked often enough). "Streetfight Demo in Italia Salento @ Calidovsky Beach." "Brutal street fight." "Вот это прикольная драка! Драка в Казахстане." "2 Bully Get Knocked Out in this Street Fight." "Fastest Knockout Street Fight."
• The All 11 Minutes Of The Fat's Bar (Stockton, Cal, WOOT!) Parking-Lot Brawl And Post-Fight Smack-Talk Post-Fight Show Coda: