Dead Letters: Sick Burn, Pete Prisco. Sick Burn.S

Welcome back to Dead Letters, the feature in which we reprint our favorite reader mail. We should take this moment to remind you that all emails to Deadspin and its editors are on the record unless otherwise specified. Now for your letters.

Subject: How To Make A Pimento Cheese Sandwich: A Recipe Unlike Any Other/Article

From: Philip Junus McMichael
To: Tommy Craggs
CC: Albert Burneko

Deadspin:

I don't know who "Deadspin" is and I certainly don't know who Albert Burneko is, or thinks he is, or wishes he were - but if you're going to write an article about how to make a pimento cheese sandwich I think the majority of anybody's readers would like to see a list of ingredients and their quantities. That seems a pretty basic request for a recipe column.

In his very poor attempt at writing cuteness, Mr. Burneko so obfuscated the simple job of helping one to obtain a recipe for a pimento cheese spread that is was the most ridiculous example of "chewing the scenery" I've ever witnessed. As an author of thousands of content articles I try and make it a point to establish an objective I'd like to achieve in a piece and then write toward that point - hopefully successfully delivering said point along the way. Maybe Mr. Burneko should have named his article How to write an article unlike any other.

I would rather wade through four-foot high muck in heavy rubber mudders for an hour than try to decipher the incoherent ramblings of the over-the-top pseudo cleverness perpetrated on any poor schmuck who actually wanted to know how to make a pimento cheese sandwich.

Maybe that's the point of your business model (deadspin.com). Maybe that's why neither I nor any of my other writer-type friends have never heard of you.

Good luck in your continued endeavors. I hope there's a silver lining somewhere in there for you and I'm just too dumb to see it.

Philip Junus McMichael

From: Tommy Craggs
To: Philip Junus McMichael
CC: Albert Burneko

"Content articles"! This is pitch-perfect satire, Philip. Kudos.

From: Albert Burneko
To: Tommy Craggs, Philip Junus McMichael

It reads even better in its original lipstick-on-a-public-restroom-mirror format.

From: Philip Junus McMichael
To: Albert Burneko

Even though many of my contacts give "lip service" to "we don't really care how good it is - it just needs to be x long and say these 7 key words, my half a century as a professional published writer and current newspaper photo/journalist just won't permit my conscience to do a less than a job I consider worthy of print. I'm even told, after the fact, how many hits my articles brought to the site blah blah blah. But I guess I have been schooled today. What they've been saying all along I guess is true. I won't change how I do things one whit but it perhaps gives me a "mulligan" if I'm having a not up-to-par day to let it slide a bit. Thanks for the repartee. I just finished editing a new novelist, pub date probably within the next two-three months - title: A Darkness From Beyond Universe / sub: The Birth of Hell.

Happy Contenting.

Subject: Commentariat

From: Ryan Healy
To: The Staff

Ban idiot burners and diseased commenters. I'll start with me: I'm Fidrych or Die Tryin'. The state of the comments bums me out.

Regards,

[blank]

Subject: Tip

From: Austin Jones
To: The Staff

Heres a tip,

your new format fucking sucks

sincerely,

your mom

Subject: vpn security

From: Eli Wiess
To: Gawker Help Desk

Read your idea / comment on open vpn etc...

I would like to talk to you please.

Eli

From: Steve Climaco
To: Eli Wiess

Hello,

If you have a question or tip for the editorial staff of your favorite blog, please send an email to the appropriate site’s tips inbox:

Gizmodo: tipbox@gizmodo.com
Jezebel: tips@jezebel.com
Gawker: tips@gawker.com
Kotaku: tips@kotaku.com
io9: tips@io9.com
Jalopnik: tips@jalopnik.com
Lifehacker: tips@lifehacker.com
Deadspin: tips@deadspin.com

Regards,

Steve Climaco

From: Eli Wiess
To: tipbox@gizmodo.com, tips@jezebel.com, tips@gawker.com, tips@kotaku.com, tips@io9.com, tips@jalopnik.com, tips@lifehacker.com, tips@deadspin.com

Gizmodo:
Jezebel:
Gawker:
Kotaku:
io9:
Jalopnik:
Lifehacker:
Deadspin:

Hello Friends,

Situation: Hacker consistently trying to get into my computer e mail etc...

All my doing is legal but he is trying to get into some formula I wrote.

Trying to protect my internet work what do you suggest I should do ?

Recently I read about VPN and tunneling, I have no idea what all this mean but I sense that if the communication between my computer and the VPN is encrypted then would that be a good solution ?

If this is true can a hacker that have the ip address and/or the mac address of the computer and/or the mac address of the router can get into the computer and install key logger or any other Trojan horse or just monitor the internet traffic ?

I need some help in contracting SAFE internet connection browsing I am not surfing nor download any illegal songs movies etc. all is legal just need to be safe secure encrypted and protected.

Regards,

Eli

Subject: deadspin.com

From: Yuri Barsuk
To: The Staff

I'm Yuri Barsuk from glassesonweb.com. We are working with a number of respected fashion, lifestyle, and sports including leading industry names. I have a suggestion which we hope will be useful for deadspin.com.

We may be able to offer you some free of charge content for deadspin.com in return for a link back to a glassesonweb.com. We have access to a substantial team of professional writers in fashion, travel, sports and lifestyle disciplines. We can have them (at our expense) research and write some content specifically for you to publish on deadspin.com. If it suits you, there is the potential to do this for more than one project.

You have complete control as to the subject and focus for each piece; the content will be unique to deadspin.com and there are definitely no costs or other commitments for you. All we would ask is that for each piece of content you agree with us, you allow us to include one simple text link to our site within the content.

Please let me know if this would potentially work for you and we can come back to you with further details.

Thanks and kind regards - Yuri Barsuk

Thanks!

Subject: Sup

From: Chris Kearns
To: Greg Howard

Spinnin the hottest hits from the 60's to the oneThree straight outta the emerald city DJ,dj,Indica.
That's right. I'm offering you my creative mind in the arts of DJing late night hits. No compensation necessary, no advertising...skrrrrt..LOL..timeout. Yeah I'm high (its legal in WA) but for real though 25 years old and I would never do anything to hurt you. And I really don't need your money or anything, just a huge fan and an odd request.

The day Sergei Federov's evil 2nd cousins bombed the boston marathon that night would have been dedicated to kendrick lamar - barbed wire off of Overly Dedicated, beautiful song.
When Johnny Manziel was being talked about all week on ESPN I would have played Pink Floyd - money having people think its about manziel but its really a slight at about the ncaa/espn's money hungry ways of gaining off of college athletes.
When Anthony Bennett went #1 I would have played black boy fly by kendrick lamar, it's fitting.
I'm playing a vine clip with the part in homeward bound where shadow falls and cant get up the mud hill for anything that A-Rod makes the news for, except I liked when shadow got out, I hope A-rod would have a harder time with a mud hill and now that I think about it with his bad hip and him not wanting to get his manicured nails dirty the situation would force him to have to live down there and eat his own semen, however, the oral consumption mixed with the amount of human growth hormone he has consumed, saturated, regardless.. it would create the most unusual crow that perch's on top of Yankee stadium for years to come. Cawww's allday..cawwwwww..caw..caw.
The day the ol' paternoster left or was fired whatever penn state decided on I would have gone directly to a nice subliminal slight with that fuckin song they played for every action movie in the early 2000's, don't wanna drop the email to look it up but "CLICK,CLICK,BOOM!!" should do it all the justice that song deserves, love the art but it got fucked out by the 4th fast and furious. The slight is directed by them removing his statue and blowing up everything the ol paternoster has done, "BOOM!!!" Clicksnap, gone. still wonder where they put removed statues..is there a removed statue museum, cause there is a hair museum in Kansas City my cousin went so it wouldn't surprise me. Hiiiipower.
I could do a late night mix for jalopnik, gizmodo...Green jacket, gold jacket, who gives a shit.
I will take my mind and all day put the thought of which song is most fitting for the day into it for whatever website. I don't have a degree and I barely passed highschool, I listen to a lot of music and the respect I have for deadspin and all related branches of news along with drive n' the dream to make deadspin a little more thought provoking, controversial without crossing the line on one late night page. I would prolly text all my friends right after creating a whole chain of people to visit deadspin and the buzz of DJ Indica who wrote this 'message in a bottle' type of email comes through in the clutch everynight to bring the people the cuts while everyone sits to discuss, or stand, whichever you prefer.

Chris C. Kearns

Subject: Hi There, we are a star seal garbage bag...

From: Brian Feng
To: The Staff

Hi There,

we are a star seal garbage bag manufacturer in china, are you looking for it? Order less than USD 3000.00 is welcome. Also we are producing barricade tape and plastic bags. Welocome any inquires.

Features

Plastic + starch
100% PLA
OXO-biodegradable

Subject: Im interested in buying hardware for nintendo 64.

From: P B
To: The Staff

hello
do you know where i can get booster pak/expansion pak for nintendo 64? im interested in a lot, same with the joystick for nintendo 64(gamecube style), check the pictures.
they are made in taiwan, if you can provide me with the manufactors name(i pay you) or know where to get it, i would be happy, i would buy many every month all year.

peter from sweden

Dead Letters: Sick Burn, Pete Prisco. Sick Burn.S

Dead Letters: Sick Burn, Pete Prisco. Sick Burn.S

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