Much of your human world continues to horrify and confuse me, most of all your bizarre construct of weekdays. The one you call Will has cast me into my Monday bondage by bludgeoning my mate to death with his advanced human weaponry. How ever did you concoct stick with a nail in it? Sadly, I am now in his thrall until Bubbles the Monkey God sees it right to call me home.

Until then, kindly amuse me by using your opposable thumbs to send tips to XmasApe@gmail.com. I promise not to fling them back at you covered in Sean Mahan's feces.