If you got what you wanted for Christmas, that’s probably in part because you didn’t ask for, say, “A little thing that can turn into anything at anytime.” This would set you apart from the authors of the lists below, some of whom got some of what they wanted, some of whom just couldn’t possibly have, and all of whom made us very happy.
“A little thing that can turn into anything at anytime.” The fuck is this? What am I, Galactus? Do you understand the catastrophic universal implications of possessing a shape-shifting, time-traveling device? Even Rob Gronkowski knows that isn’t to be toyed with. You could turn it into a separate moon any time you like and then the Earth would be fucking DESTROYED by the additional gravitation. You cannot be trusted with this at age 7. If such a thing existed and were affordable, I wouldn’t have children. I would have a SPACE BROTHEL. There’s a reason that we have the laws of physics in place. And you expect this thing to be portable as well? You cannot have this.
Will, fourth grade: “Rob Gronkowski” (Note from his dad: “What exactly is his ranking system? I see Geno Smith has the same number of stars as Brady, Brees and Manning?”)
It contains items seemingly chosen to fulfill every bro stereotype—Entourage, polo shirts, Cohibas, a flask—and it was sent to his parents. Lest you think it’s too perfect to be genuine, the person who forwards it along says “the only thing more obnoxious than the list is his personality.”
We were forwarded this year’s edition, printed in full below, and cannot decide which part is the most insufferable. Is it her taste in music and movies? The fact that she wants “anything by Hunter S Thompson or Mitch Albom?” The incredible level of detail to make sure people don’t get her slightly different gifts than the ones she wants? The fact that she breaks her list down into “stocking stuffers,” “smaller grade items,” and “larger more expensive items?”