FIFA Investigating Costa Rica For Various Horseshit Moves

Costa Rica, a safe, verdant, progressive nation filled with a bunch of total assholes, did everything in its power to disrupt the USMNT before and during last week's World Cup qualifier. (Did you know we hate Costa Rica now? We do. Go soccer!) But now FIFA wants to know if things went too far.

Things for which FIFA is not investigating Costa Rica:

  • Denying the USMNT priority immigration at the airport, forcing them to walk through a hostile crowd.
  • Denying the USMNT access to recommended practice facilities.
  • Denying the USMNT access to the balls that would be used in a game.
  • Rumors of a city-wide plan to slow traffic, blocking the USMNT bus's route to the stadium.

Things FIFA is investigating, according to various Costa Rican reports collected by Soccer By Ives:

  • Whistling and booing during the U.S. National Anthem.
  • Shining laser pointers at American players.
  • Cutting off Clint Dempsey's microphone as he read a statement about fair play.
  • This dive, by noted Costa Rican Joel Campbell:

FIFA Investigating Costa Rica For Various Horseshit Moves

Because Costa Rica is the other best team in CONCACAF these days, we have no choice other than to wage a ferocious rivalry with them, and decry everything they and their fans stand for. It will end with spilled blood and pillaged isthmi, or at least, god willing, a rematch in Brazil.

A Costa Rican official said FIFA could potentially force Los Ticos to play their next home qualifier, against Mexico, in an empty stadium. Which would be bad for the U.S., because our true rival Mexico badly needs three points to have a shot at the World Cup. We are conflicted.