Photo credit: Justin Sullivan/Getty

Getting exercise is good, allegedly, and there are good and bad people who enjoy every form of exercise. Some forms of exercise, however, collect far more bad, obnoxious, horrible, insufferable people than others. These are those forms.

27. Swimmers

Can’t talk much or they’ll drown.

Advertisement

26. Pilates

Pretty solid people at their core. (Sorry.)

25. Thighmasters

Sponsored

Not really a thing.

24. Hikers

Generally solitary and quiet-ish.

23. Kegel squeezers

Advertisement

I’m doing it right now.

22. Kayakers

Advertisement

Basically fine.

21. Pure Barre

Very butt-focused but pretty chill about it.

Advertisement

20. Rollerbladers

‘90s glory days-ers.

Advertisement

19. Climbers

Uncomfortable shoes + chalk + torn rotator cuffs = climbers

Advertisement

18. Surfers

Dipshit broiness somewhat offset by surfing’s inherent coolness.

17. Yogis

Advertisement

Something something prana something something ashtanga something Malkovich Malkovich.

16. Paddleboard yogis

Advertisement

As above but wet.

15. Jazzercisers

Advertisement

It’s just nice to see grandma out of her wheelchair.

14. Power walkers

Get out of the fucking bike lane.

Advertisement

13. MMA people

Aggressive.

Advertisement

12. Regular gym people

Good at picking things up and then putting them down again. Excel at hamster wheels. Smell like crotch.

Advertisement

11. P90Xers / Insanity-ers / Jillian Michaelsitas

At least they’re annoying from the privacy of their own rumpus rooms.

10. Runners

Advertisement

Very whiny when injured. Are always injured.

9. Zumba-ers

Advertisement

Let me guess, you’re having so much fun you forget you’re working out? Please die.

8. Stand-up paddleboarders

Advertisement

Middle-aged hazards to themselves and others.

7. Cyclists

ON YOUR LEFT ON YOUR LEFT ON YOUR LEFT ON YOUR LEEEEFFFFFFFTTTT

Advertisement

6. Triathletes

As the joke goes, “How do you know if someone does triathlons? Give them 30 seconds, they’ll tell you.” (The same joke works for people who went to Harvard and who have tech startups.)

Advertisement

5. SoulCycle victims

Soul Cycle’s dark, dank, ear-bleedingly loud rooms prove, once and for all, that the Stockholm Syndrome is real.

Advertisement

4. Hot yogis

Heatstroke is not the same thing as nirvana, you slippery assholes.

3. Juice cleansers / master cleansers

Advertisement

This is not actually exercise, but people do it instead of exercise, languidly lying around with splitting headings, dropping a few pounds of water weight (that they will immediately gain back), making nonsensical claims about “detoxifying,” and spending hundreds of dollars on 20 bucks worth of fruit and veggies. Will claim it changed their lives. Their lives will never change.

2. Fitbitters

Advertisement

Will not stop talking about how many steps they took that day. Jerking off will trick it into thinking you ran five miles. (I’ve tested this.) Just dig out your old Livestrong bracelet and make some shit up, okay?

1. Crossfitters

Advertisement

The worst. The absolute worst. The worst of all time. They work out in something that is literally called a Box. Eight out of 10 things Crossfitters post on social media are humblebrags (or regular brags) featuring photo or video of world’s most boring feats of strength. They speak in indecipherable combinations of words and numbers (“Yo Chaz! I did the Psycho MooseSpritzer in 1:58 today, bro! BEAT THAT!”), and they lap up all the dumbest diet fads (hello, Bulletproof Coffee) like aggro-kittens to Muscle Milk. A dear friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, came to Aspen with me this winter for a snowboarding trip. He elected to do a half day of boarding, then took the whole next day off so he could do his workout in a Box, then only had energy for another half day on the slopes after that. In Aspen. One of the most beautiful places in the country. He’d rather be shut up in a box smelling the asscracks of other likeminded cult members. This epitomizes the Crossfitter mentality. These people are out of their minds.

What did I miss? Send responses to the hospital where I’ll be convalescing after being pummeled by a bunch of furious Crossfitters.

Brent Rose is a freelance writer, actor, and filmmaker. You can follow his adventures on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook, at brentrose.com and connectedstates.com.

Advertisement

This is Gawker Media’s last week as an independent media operation, and while that shouldn’t affect you much one way or the other as a reader, we’re still going to take advantage of a pretext to run some especially fun and stupid posts.