Erik Spoelstra, with his hat to the back, took a moment at the Heat's championship celebration to say that Miami "parties better than any other city in the world." Sometimes, that includes Pat Riley dancing. Or "dancing." Maybe malfunctioning?
Dwyane Wade was the only one of the Heat's players to wear a tank top — typical Floridian attire for June, or March, or November — to the Heat's parade and celebration, and he also remembered to wear deodorant, and to accessorize with a cigar and a pair of sunglasses that he kept on inside American Airlines Arena. He is as Floridian as any Carl Hiaasen character now.
In truth, though, this team is so, so Floridian: Ray Allen cited the Heat's "Harlem Shake" video as one of the most fun things the team did this year; Frederica Wilson, Florida Congresswoman and "avid wearer of hats," showed up in a white cowboy hat; Juwan Howard, who played 51 minutes in this 2012-13 season, bellowed "We shocked the WOOOOOOOOOORLD!"; the Heat showed a series of PhotoShopped pictures of celebrities with high-top fades while interviewing Norris Cole; Chris Bosh spoke a bit of fluent Spanish ("Me siento bien. Muy bien."), and he grinned as the Heat showed a montage of his "Bosh-bombing."
Hundreds of thousands of fans turned up for the parade and celebration in 90-degree heat, and ensnarled traffic for miles and miles. There was "Seven Nation Army," which Heat players danced to behind a curtain, Pilobolus-style, and there was Macklemore, and there was a LeBron highlight film set to dubstep, and there was a pot banged with a spoon by a Heat employee on stage, and there was Birdman, calling himself a "crazy-ass white boy."
And there was also Udonis Haslem, Liberty City native, saying "I been known to kick a little ass," shrugging off the $2,000 fine he received for a technical foul against the Pacers by explaining that he never thought he'd be making millions, reminiscing on seeing a Heat game from the nosebleeds in his youth, and getting rousing cheers from the crowd.
There is no less an authority on obnoxious Florida teams than Joakim Noah, and he's never spoken more truth than when he called the Heat "Hollywood as hell." There's a Hollywood, Florida in Broward County, and the Heat would fit in there, too.