Help! My Boyfriend Follows Too Many Porn Stars On Instagram!S

Time for your weekly edition of the Deadspin Funbag. Got something on your mind? Email the Funbag. Today, we’re covering cheerleading, smelly roommates, milk, cocaine, and more.

Your letters:

Bridget:

My boyfriend follows 50 or so porn stars and "models" on Instagram (the kind of "model" that is not known for selling clothes). He is worried I'm too insecure and trying to control him. While we can't rule that out, I find this public activity a bit unsettling. Would it hurt to leave these desires to an anonymous Google Chrome browser?

I love his reaction. "Baby, I'm just publicly salivating over 50 girls that I'd like to fuck more than you. WHY YOU GOTTA BE SO INSECURE?!"

We live in a digital age where, as a guy, your eye can wander quite a bit. You're not just looking at some hot girl walking by while you and your wife sit at a cafe ("Baby, I was just looking at that car! That's one crazy car!"). Your eye can go online and wander right into bedrooms and titty bars and underground fuck dens, and so I think we're still trying to figure out what you, if you happen to be in a committed relationship, can and cannot see. Can you look at porn? Can you look at really fucking weird porn? Can you be a PornHub commenter? Why would you comment on PornHub? (Link SFW.) What the fuck is wrong with you? "gawd id love to cum on those titz,,,"

Anyway, it's perfectly fair to bring it up with him if you find his Instagramming to be emotionally hurtful. This is why I have a SECRET Twitter account so that I can collect all the latest Coco butt shots. No one will ever know that I am @CheekLuvr69.

Cam:

Do you think any US presidents have a sex tape floating around? I mean, Clinton is the obvious answer, with JFK probably second in line with a slew of celebrities and college tail.

I say no. Most US Presidents served in office well before it became easy to videotape yourself getting blown. Back in Kennedy's day, you would have had to set up lighting and hold a 5,000-lb. Panovision camera over your shoulder and it would have been a whole THING. And then you would have had to carefully preserve the film reels in a humidified wine cellar. I'm sure Kennedy was dying to try it, but was too busy rigging elections to bother with it.

The most viable candidates, obviously, are the past three Presidents: Obama, W., and Clinton. I think Bush had a team behind him that would have burned any sex tape he made as a coke-snorting youth and killed all relevant participants. And I think Obama has been too politically ambitious for too long to do something that reckless. That leaves Clinton, and the only reason I don't think there's a sex tape floating around of Clinton is that we would have seen it by now. Nobody liked having sex with loose-lipped women more than that guy. I'm surprised he managed to get a blowjob in edgewise.

Brian:

If Jesus was to return to earth, would he conform to the current day's fashion trends? I'm thinking the old robe and sandals getup wouldn't last long in 2013. If I'm correct, what do you suppose Jesus wears during his Second Coming?

Well, he was a carpenter. What does the average carpenter wear these days? White t-shirt, Wrangler jeans, Timberland boots... OMG JESUS WILL DRESS LIKE BRETT FAVRE NOOOOOO. And he'll drive a Ford pickup, too. I think that's the subtext of every American pickup truck ad: "Jesus would drive this."

Patrick:

If you're graphing players from Hernandez to Tebow on the X and Leaf to Manning on the Y, who sits at the origin?

Michael Crabtree. TMQ SAYS YOUR GRAPH IS NOW CURSED (pronounce the word "curs-ed" and not "curst" for this exercise).

Scurf:

How do fathers handle explaining cheerleaders to their kids? They're essentially useless and clearly there for solely for T&A purposes at this point. Obviously, you don't discuss them until the kid brings them up, but when he finally ask "Who are they?", what's the best answer?

You can just say they're there to help the crowd cheer for the home team. I mean, that IS the stated job function of a cheerleader. They are the human equivalent of a scoreboard that flashes the words GET LOUD!!!! in blinking letters. And some cheerleaders are really into the job. If you go to a high school football game, you'll always see one cheerleader—male or female—who is wayyyy too bossy to the crowd, yelling COME ON, YOU GUYS! LET'S GET BEHIND OUR GUYS WOOOOOO!!! Easy there, kid. Why don't you go do a flip behind the end zone or something while I enjoy this fifth of whiskey that I smuggled into the bleachers?

Rob:

My wife and I just found out she is pregnant for the first time. I find myself constantly freaking out that the kid is going to be born with some malady or disability. It terrifies me.

Is this normal? Did you have these feelings? What's the best way to deal with the constant worrying/freaking the fuck out?

It's perfectly normal to worry about whether or not the baby will be born with a tail or half a brain, particularly if it's your first kid. If you're waiting on the first kid, there's nothing to do except sit around and freak out that it will come out of the womb carrying a trident and speaking Mephistopholish. That doesn't happen if you already have a couple of kids because A) Those kids probably turned out okay, and B) You're too busy dealing with all their horseshit to worry about the next one.

When my first kid was born, I was terrified that she would die of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS), which can kill any child under the age of one for no reason at all. Just SURPRISE! DEAD BABY! When the kid turned one, I did a little fist pump. I also did a fist pump when the kid turned three, because I had heard that autism symptoms show up before the kid turns three but not afterward. So once we crossed the Autism Line I was like FUCK YEAH.

Anyway, you should take comfort in the fact that most kids are born perfectly healthy. Your worries will eventually subside, especially if you do a shot of Jameson. Even when scary shit does pop up, and there's a real fear that your child may be in danger, most people eventually adjust. You withstand the initial shock and waves of grief, and you get into a routine that eventually becomes normal to you. It's like people who live in New York. They live on top of one other and have to fight for room on crowded subways and are under constant financial duress, and yet they manage to adjust to the lifestyle. What I'm saying is that living in New York is like having your baby die.

Danny:

Is Peyton Manning the best unathletic athlete ever?

Oh, he's athletic. He just doesn't LOOK athletic. Peyton ran the forty in 4.8 seconds. And watch him lift these super huge dumbbells while another dude kinda helps him! That's an athlete. He may look all slow and goofy with a bunch of jacked defenders flying all around him, but he's still a world class athlete. You hear this all the time when some old white QB makes a run or some really ugly guy makes a decent play. DON'T BE FOOLED! the announcers will tell you. And that's because we have preconceived notions of what athleticism LOOKS like: cut abs, good facial bone structure, hot girlfriend, etc. I have a fantasy in my mind of what I would look like as an All-Pro QB, and that fantasy doesn't involve me being as ugly as Peyton Manning.

The best unathletic athletes don't play football. To be a successful unathletic athlete, you have to have a special physical skill—a trick—that you can perform regardless of your conditioning. In other words, you have to play golf or baseball. Babe Ruth, John Daly, Cecil Fielder, etc. Now THOSE are some great unathletic athletes. Daly will always be the ideal poster boy because he fulfills my personal desire to be great at sports without having to do ANY work to be great at them.

John:

I live in a diverse neighborhood. Several of my neighbors are Asian. Everyone of them mows the lawn wearing gloves. Explain, please.

If you've ever started a lawnmower, you know that it can get black grease all over your hands. So it makes sense to wear gloves if you want to keep your hands clean (not me though; I leave the grease there so that people know I'm a GAMER). Also, you can find anti-vibration yard work gloves over at Amazon, to reduce rattling and make your lawn-mowing experience a bit less jittery. Again, I wouldn't use these because I prefer to FEEL THE POWER OF THAT KICKASS SIX HP ENGINE BABY OH YEAHHHHH. Your neighbors also might have allergies and would want to keep their hands free of ragweed dust and pollen, lest they rub it in their eyes and spend the rest of the day in agony. Those are all of my guesses. ANCIENT CHINESE SECRET, HUH?!

Ryan:

I’ve been married to my wife for 5 years (together 7) and during our time together she has jokingly hit/tapped/flicked me in my boys on AT LEAST 15 occasions. After each incident I’ve impressed upon her how sensitive this area is and how much even the slightest glance could result in extreme pain/nausea. She honestly doesn’t believe that it hurts as much as I claim. Do most women not completely understand this concept or is my wife an outlier?

Time to kick her in the boobs to teach her a lesson! (NOTE: Do not kick her in the boobs.)

I think that your wife is something of an anomaly. Most women don't participate in bagtagging because most women are not Bam Margera. And if you ask a lady to not hit you in the nuts, she's usually courteous enough to stop. Your wife should be kind enough to listen to you and, like, not do that.

All that said, no woman believes that getting hit in the nuts hurts as much as men claim it does. Every time you bring up nut sensitivity with a woman, you always get YEAH WELL I HAD TO GIVE BIRTH AND I HAVE TO HAVE MY PERIOD thrown right back in your face. And you know what, ladies? Screw you. You don't have to play the OW-AH PAIN HURTS MORE-AH THAN YOUR-AH PAIN card. It ALL hurts. No need to compare. It's not as if the pain of childbirth—which I'm sure is extreme—somehow renders the pain of being hit in the nuts an imaginary construct. It hurts quite a bit.

Men know pain. They have been tortured and mutilated and stranded in the freezing cold and had their limbs severed and have suffered from unimaginable diseases. Those are all painful things and some men have survived them (not me though, I would go screaming to the grave). Don't use childbirth to paint my entire gender as a league of pussies.

HALFTIME!


Kevin:

How about the first guy to drank milk? I CRUSH milk, but how did it become socially acceptable to drink a cow’s bodily fluids?

Out of necessity. Back when early man was busy hunting and gathering and listening to the lamentations of the woman, he would derive as much sustenance from an animal as humanly possible. You ate its balls and stewed its eyes and drank its milk because who the fuck knows when you would get to kill your next cow. So that's likely how milk began: an early human gave it shot out of necessity, liked it, found out you could make butter and cheese with it, and we've been off and running ever since.

I also doubt that early man had as many hangups about food as we do in modern times. I know that I have a list of food items that I personally consider revolting because I am a fat spoiled American and I have access to nature's bounty anytime I drop by the supermarket. I can afford to be choosy. But if I were clad in a loincloth and forced to spear my dinner nightly, I probably wouldn't complain as much about having to eat mayonnaise pie.

Drinking milk is an odd thing, when you think about it. Here you have the poor cow, who's got a swollen udder that was designed to feed her little babies, and a bunch of humans suddenly surround her, attach pumps to her, feed her hormones so that she never stops giving milk, and then start GUZZLING the shit. If I were the cow, I'd feel violated.

Steve:

What non-super superpower would you like to have? I was thinking the other day it sure would be nice to be comfortable no matter the temperature. You could dress however you wanted, pants in 100 degree heat or shorts in 40 degrees and rain. You would always be "just right."

You mean I'd never have to dress in layers again? Good, because layers are horseshit. I leave layers behind me everywhere I go, like a trail of bread crumbs. Just follow the unbuttoned shirts and you WILL find me.

I have a ranked list of non-super superpowers that I would like to have, and here they are:

  1. The ability to say the exact right thing in any situation. Whether it's dealing with an angry child or some asshole who cut me off in the preschool parking lot, I would always like to have the right combination of words at the ready so that the situation can be instantly defused and I can go right back to staring at my phone.
  2. The ability to know where I am and where everything else is without GPS. I took a trip to Los Angeles a while back. On the fifth day there, I was able to go from the office I was working at to the place I was staying at without consulting the GPS. I felt like a god.
  3. The ability to remain clean at all times. Dog shit on your shoe? NOT SO FAST. My mild superpower causes that shit to bounce right off.
  4. The ability to make great time on any trip. No airport delays. No traffic. No waiting in the sucker toll booth line because I forgot my EZ Pass. Just a lifetime of unfettered traveling. LUXURY.
  5. The ability to blow myself.

Patrick:

I'm watching the Cowboys/Vikings game and as the clock is winding down to the two minute warning, Tony Romo starts walking to the sidelines while the rest of the offense is lining up getting ready to snap the ball. You see this shit all the time when QBs just start walking away and don't bother telling the rest of the offense they are letting the clock run down to the end of a quarter or the two minute warning. They just look like a bunch of schmucks squatting there pointing at the "Mike" and getting ready for the play. Is this the QB showing his general cool guy/douchiness making his O-line squat there for an extra 20 seconds for no good reason? Of course, Payton Manning is the best at this. Is this a part of the Manning QB camp every summer?

The best part is that every QB looks all pouty when they have to call that timeout. Like, "Ugh, this fucking center again. CAN'T YOU PEOPLE DO ANYTHING RIGHT?!" That little look of disgust lets the crowd know that the quarterback is not at all pleased with his offense's lack of readiness. It's a real leader move.

I bet Dan Marino was the best ever at this. Dan Marino fucking hated his teammates.

Stephen:

I've been meaning to drive by this place in central NC and snap a picture for years, and finally did so on the way home last week. What is a domestic violence thrift shop? Were the consignment clothes all part of brutal cases of domestic violence that the women can no longer stand the sight of? Are they for domestic violence victims? I DEMAND ANSWERS.

Help! My Boyfriend Follows Too Many Porn Stars On Instagram!

It's a thrift store whose proceeds go directly to helping victims of domestic violence. They have a lot of them in Florida, because Florida. It's a good idea and the money obviously goes to a worthy cause, but there is something strange about peeking into what looks to be a fine boutique and seeing the phrase DOMESTIC VIOLENCE painted on the window. These are the clothes you're gonna want to be battered in! Anyway, rest easy. It's not a sordid enterprise.

Mike:

My roommate smells like shit. A 5-10, 295, occasionally mobile floating landmass of rank body-odor crop-dusts his silhouette everywhere he goes, sticking to inanimate objects like our futon, the chairs and equipment at the college radio station we work for, and likely even our living room walls.

How I could possibly coerce him into being a respectable, 23-year-old human being? And will his scent stick to me? If so, at what adherence level?

First of all, leave. I know it's a complete pain in the ass to find a new joint and move all of your shit, but it's what you have to do. The longer you stay, the more likely it is that his fetid stench will become imbued in the fibers of your clothing and your furniture upholstery. No 23-year-old guy is gonna listen to you when you tell him he needs to clean up his act. Guys that age are DICKS. They're not gonna listen to anyone except a girlfriend. What's the upside of listening to you? It's not like you can withhold sex from him.

You gotta move. It's annoying and horrible and hurts your back, but you'll be happier for it. Sometimes I'll get stuck in some shitty train seat next to someone who smells or near the shitter and I won't have the courage to just get up and switch seats because I'm lazy and/or don't want to offend anyone. But sometimes, I work up the fortitude to switch and I never end up regretting it. Get the fuck out of there. If you move and practice good hygiene, his smell should come off of you.

Joe:

What song/album has been played for the greatest amount of cocaine usage? I think Donna Summer is probably way up there due to her popularity in America and Europe beginning in the mid-1970s and the music seemed particularly popular among what I imagine to be the coke-demographic, i.e. disco folks and whatnot.

According to this graph, the number of people who have used cocaine is greater right now than it's ever been. This makes sense because the longer the drug has been around, the more people will have tried it. What you're really looking for is frequency. The graph only goes back to 1979, which appears to be the time when the most people said they had used coke within the past month. And wouldn't you know it, it turns out that Donna Summer had THREE of the 12 biggest hits from that year. Not a bad guess! I also assume that any song by Chic ranks up there because the fuck club scene in Summer of Sam was scored to "Everybody Dance." Real disturbing shit.

The other obvious choice is "Cocaine" by Eric Clapton, but I don't think it takes the top spot because A) I don't like that song, B) It sounds like the least coke-fueled recording in world history; he should have named the song "Glass of Cabernet", and C) Only an asshole would do cocaine TO "Cocaine." That's a tourist move.

Special mention to Huey Lewis and the News too!

Joe:

Whenever it finally happens, how will The Simpsons end? 500+ episodes in and BAM it ends in a half hour series finale, followed by another half hour behind the scenes wrap up thing with the writers/producers/voices etc?

That sounds about right, although I'm sure FOX will give the finale a full night of compatible programming: a clip show before the finale, the finale, an hourlong episode of TALKING SIMP hosted by Chris Hardwick, etc.

There's no good way to wrap the show up because it hasn't been at its peak for a long time, and because they've lost cast members along the way (Marcia Wallace died last week and Phil Hartman died 15 years ago. Fifteen years HOLY SHIT). I would watch it strictly because I felt obligated to the show. ("They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them.") I hope they just make it a relatively normal episode and go out the way they came in. I don't want the family to, like, move. I don't want Homer to die of cancer. And I don't want some end montage that shows Maggie all grown up and working for a hedge fund. Comedies always do big events poorly ("IT'S A VERY SPECIAL BLOSSOM WEDDING!"). Just leave things the way they are and let me mourn.

Andy:

Who is on your FUPA Mt. Rushmore? I gotta think Bill Parcells and Charlie Weis are shoe-ins. Rex was a lock until he got that lap band surgery. RIP.

I'd go with Parcells, Chris Christie, Rick Ross, and at least one woman for the sake of gender diversity. Either Aretha Franklin or the lady who played Ginny Sack.

Email of the week!

Kyle:

What if every time someone fantasized about you, you felt a small percentage of his or her pleasure? Not enough to incapacitate you, but definitely enough to be distracting. Let's say that the effect does multiply, so that if several people are thinking about you, then the sensation intensifies.

Celebrity as we know it would change. Any attractive woman in the public eye would be permanently debilitated by unseen perverts the world over. Can you imagine what 4chan could do with such power? Political events would be a nightmare. Every presidential candidate would have to pay Sting an exorbitant fee to learn to subdue their bodily responses.

Would we establish a certain daily time period where it's okay to attack one's body so as not to interfere with the workweek? The Spunking Hour. Beyond the wide-reaching social implications, there's also the personal ones. What if you never felt the itch of another reaching out to you? That would be demoralizing.

I think the only response that would save both our society and everyone's feelings is mandatory veiling of both men and women. How would you handle this terrifying alternate universe?

Doesn't this happen with identical twins? No? It should.

Drew Magary writes for Deadspin. He's also a correspondent for GQ. Follow him on Twitter @drewmagary and email him at drew@deadspin.com. You can also buy Drew's book, Someone Could Get Hurt, through his homepage.

Art by Jim Cooke